Over the Shock and GALing 5

[Thinker]

Strange how the mind works - you relax, change your perspective, and suddenly things that were obvious for a long time become clearly visible.

Today I (re)realized that my W is slightly abusive, and I am not going to tolerate it.

When my W is stressed or angry, and I do or don't do something that annoys her, she lashes out. She raises her voice, get's an ugly tone, uses swear words, etc. - usually over somthing trivial - ie "Why don't you turn of the F---ing light when you leave the room!!!" followed by several more sentences in the same vein. I think yelling was normal in her family growing up, and she has difficulty calmly expressing her negative emotions, so she goes from silent to angry with no transition. Yelling never happened in my home growing up (we were passive aggressive instead) so I interpret this as a direct attack.

In the past I would respond to these attacks by:
- immediately getting defensive
- trying to explain away, defend, rationalize, etc
- occasionally yelling back, or just telling her to "chill out"
- feeling belittled and angry

The end result was that I ended up walking on eggshells trying to avoid the next outburst - not healthy . I'm sure it was also reducing the amount of respect my W had for me - and the amount I had for myself.

I don't even think she sees that she is doing it. She is exactly the same way when she drives - angrily hurling abuse at any other car that annoys her.

The outbursts are fewer and farther between recently, and my response has improved. Last night I just waited until she was done, then said I understood that she was annoyed, but did not appreciate the disrespectful abuse. She just turned away and sulked a bit.

This was a bit of a watershed for me - I was calm and did not get (too) defensive, and was then able to calmly ask her to back off. And frankly, I did not even care when she began sulking. Although I did not handle it perfectly, It solidified in my mind the boundary that I need to set and how to set it.

Now I am determined not to deal with this any more. If she starts, I am simply going to say she is allowed to be annoyed and should certainly tell me when things bother her, but I am not going to tolerate the verbal abuse - and end the conversation there.

[Thinker]

I like your new mantra, I have a minor suggestion. How about this? -"Focus on yourself, Work on the Partnership."
Coach

Thanks Coach. That is really the "Mantra" - see the change to my signature!!

For now, however, I need to keep adding "The Romance is DEAD" for my own reasons: it keeps me from wishing, hoping, expecting, and otherwise wasting time and emotional energy trying to get the romantic part of our R restarted before we are ready.

[aliveandkicking]

"The Romance is DEAD" for my own reasons: it keeps me from wishing, hoping, expecting, and otherwise wasting time and emotional energy trying to get the romantic part of our R restarted before we are ready.

Inherent in that mantra is you still thinking about "romance"...it sounds silly but when you focus on what you don't want, you are still thinking about it. Can you replace the romance with something else?

[Thinker]

Can you replace the romance with something else?

I've probably already done that by saying "Work on the Partnership!"

"the Partnership" is my term for the friendly, fun, cooperative, joint kid-raising, household-maintaining, finance-sharing part of the R that is the counterpart to (and does not include) the romantic part of the R.

(how's that for a run-on sentence )

"The Romance is DEAD" is my equivalent of SP's "I'm Already Divorced"

[orangedog]

Now I am determined not to deal with this any more. If she starts, I am simply going to say she is allowed to be annoyed and should certainly tell me when things bother her, but I am not going to tolerate the verbal abuse - and end the conversation there.

Orangedog likes this!!!

[aliveandkicking]

I get it.

[Greek]

Last night I just waited until she was done, then said I understood that she was annoyed, but did not appreciate the disrespectful abuse. She just turned away and sulked a bit.

This was a bit of a watershed for me - I was calm and did not get (too) defensive, and was then able to calmly ask her to back off. And frankly, I did not even care when she began sulking. Although I did not handle it perfectly, It solidified in my mind the boundary that I need to set and how to set it.

Coach did this with me. I remember the first few times - it was like "pow!" b/c it was such a 180 for him. Made me made as hell at first AND I didn't think it would last. The next time I fired over the bow at him, I fully expected him to lose it like he normally did ... but he didn't. And he didn't the next time after that and so on. When I saw that he was determined to hold his line, I changed my approach. I had to, didn't I? Otherwise, I looked like the ONLY crazy person in the room - and no one wants to be that person No, seriously, I had to change my approach b/c I wanted to be heard, seen and considered, after all....and the jumping up and down, hair on fire, flame shooting was not achieving that end anymore. So I changed my volume, changed my tone, changed my word choice and acted more like...him. I'm grateful to him for calling that meeting to order.

You are just one homerun after the other, Think.
Cheers~~~~

[Coach]

Strange how the mind works - you relax, change your perspective, and suddenly things that were obvious for a long time become clearly visible.

Today I (re)realized that my W is slightly abusive, and I am not going to tolerate it.

When my W is stressed or angry, and I do or don't do something that annoys her, she lashes out. She raises her voice, get's an ugly tone, uses swear words, etc. - usually over somthing trivial - ie "Why don't you turn of the F---ing light when you leave the room!!!" followed by several more sentences in the same vein. I think yelling was normal in her family growing up, and she has difficulty calmly expressing her negative emotions, so she goes from silent to angry with no transition. Yelling never happened in my home growing up (we were passive aggressive instead) so I interpret this as a direct attack.

In the past I would respond to these attacks by:
- immediately getting defensive
- trying to explain away, defend, rationalize, etc
- occasionally yelling back, or just telling her to "chill out"
- feeling belittled and angry

The end result was that I ended up walking on eggshells trying to avoid the next outburst - not healthy . I'm sure it was also reducing the amount of respect my W had for me - and the amount I had for myself.

I don't even think she sees that she is doing it. She is exactly the same way when she drives - angrily hurling abuse at any other car that annoys her.

The outbursts are fewer and farther between recently, and my response has improved. Last night I just waited until she was done, then said I understood that she was annoyed, but did not appreciate the disrespectful abuse. She just turned away and sulked a bit.

This was a bit of a watershed for me - I was calm and did not get (too) defensive, and was then able to calmly ask her to back off. And frankly, I did not even care when she began sulking. Although I did not handle it perfectly, It solidified in my mind the boundary that I need to set and how to set it.

Now I am determined not to deal with this any more. If she starts, I am simply going to say she is allowed to be annoyed and should certainly tell me when things bother her, but I am not going to tolerate the verbal abuse - and end the conversation there.

Thinker, High Five! Now you are at the point when you can think and make healthy choices. The ablility to see the little disrespectful things and handle them in a emotionally healthy way will yield great results. You are now leading in your marriage. Your wife is noticing and processing it. Remember how you noticed you don't get positive feedback, you won't here either but really listen and tune in to her and look at her actions (no expectations though).
I want to buy you a beer. You are handling it.
Cheers
Coach

[MrBond]

Great realization T.

My W was the same way at first. Very angry and frustrated and would just be mad at me at the drop of a hat. Finally I told her that she was not going to talk to me like that again and that she should find out why she's mad at me when I hadn't done anything to her.

I think in yours and my sitches, it's their loss of "fun" with their OM. I highlighted some of this stuff in my sitch and it's funny seeing how your position is mirroring mine 5 months behind.

Must be a day for revelations. I just came up with my own that I'm thinking about.

[Thinker]

Today was a day where I just had to remind myself that my W is paddling her own kayak.

She spent the day distant, almost non-communicative. When I finished work for the day and looked around the house, I found my W alone on the phone out in our yard - as far from everyone else as she could get. I walked outside to say Hi, and she quickly headed in, then up to the bedroom and closed the door to finish the call. I hear all of you out there thinking "OM", but I heard a woman's voice, so it was just a conversation that she did not want me or any of our kids to overhear.

I had a friend and his kids over for the men's version of the playdate for the evening, and my W stayed inside and avoided us the whole time. I went in to check on her as she was giving S1 a bath, and found her crying in the bathroom (me: "Are you O.K."; W: "I'm fine. No, I don't want to talk"). Later in the evening she hid in the bedroom with her nose pointedly in a book so that she did not have to talk to me. Whenever I was nearby she started showing real signs of stress - rubbing her hands, picking at her chin, etc - I know the "tells" well.

I told her briefly that I could see that she was unhappy and stressed and that I was there if she wanted to talk about anything. W replied only with a shake of her head.

She went to bed early. I went out to meet some of our joint friends.

She is not feeling well physically today, but that was definitely not the primary issue. She is completely wigging out about something and doesn't want to talk about it.

She has such a hard time talking to me about anything painful. In the past when she has gotten like this, I was able to get her to talk about it, but only by brute force.

I have to remember that she is off in her own kayak. I can't keep her from paddling away, I can't close the distance and I can't do anything to help her. The only thing I can do is be there for her if and when she decides to come closer.

We'll see what happens tomorrow...