Doing my best, I think

[steady]

And its not that I have not forgiven myself it is her that continues to carry it around and use it as a shield or a defense mechanism and that is what irritates me and wants me to just say "get the fu** over it already." But the MC says to give her more time and I will. The MC says she sees progress so I will use more patience and continue on for the time being.

Tim I totally relate to this. This came up in a conversation I had with my W the other day. It's a waste of my breath to point out she still hasn't taken any responsibility for what happened to our R. Now she's starting to lie and embelish stuff about interactions we've had and my behavior - and writing it down I would guess to present to the psychologist. I refuse to follow suit, but her behavior amazes me. I would never have guessed she would stoop to such levels.

As far as taking responsibility - I believe it is totally necessary for the R to actually move forward to where it needs to be but I have no idea what would trigger your W to actually embrace it. I think the constant focus on us and our past behavior gives them the out of not looking at themselves. My W is still doing it today - I am her focus point. Maybe when we physically seperate she will have herself to look at. Who knows... I don't waste much time thinking about it. I suggest you do the same.

Keep eyes on you and off her. I would talk to the MC if I were you and find out if there was a way to start focusing on what will actually REPAIR the marriage rather then spending so much time looking in the rearview mirror.

Staring at the past and rehashing the behavior just reinforces the fear in your W. It's like making them relive it over and over every time it comes up. This is the mistake my MC made in our sessions. In hindsight I wish we would have been talking about - this is what is needed to move it forward. It came about at the end, but by then my W had already checked out.

Hey WT you got time to stop off over at my thread? I miss seeing you there.