I Love You But...

[Bill PNW]

Anyone try "His Needs - Her Needs"? WOndered what anyone thought of it?

[Kittyfish]

I think it's awesome myself! Have you read the book?? It really spells out how to fall back in love with your partner.

What about "Fireproof"???

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Anyone try "His Needs - Her Needs"? WOndered what anyone thought of it?

EXCELLENT book. I consider it a "Top 10," if not "Top 5." Right up there with DB/DR by MWD, 5 Love Languages, Mars and Venus, and Love and Respect, and Passionate Marriage.

[eternaloptimist]

EA,

Assuming you married a man with at least SOME character and honor, he must have had to work pretty hard to get to a place in his head that justified his feelings towards his therapist. These are not going to go away so quickly. He has both physiological residue (PEAs/dopamine/"looove" chemicals) and emotional residue (resentment, entitlement) that he's going to have to deal with, and it's going to take a good MC -- preferably one with experience in dealing with infidelity -- to work thru it with you.

It's a catch-22 of piecing/reconciliation, unfortunately. You gotta "wanna" for it to have a chance to keep no-contact (w/OW) going, and you gotta keep no-contact with OW going in order for you to "wanna."

Just watch his moods. At this stage, "GOOD = BAD" and "BAD = GOOD."

Puppy

Thanks, Puppy.

Feeling so hopeless b/c we just got back from MC session that was a train wreck. Our MC is pushing us towards divorce. H still didn't want to talk about the therapist with our MC as part of the EA probably b/c he's still worried it might cost her her job. So that tells me he DOES NOT know she has already lost it. MC doesn't attempt to explore why H wants a divorce; she more or less just says I should respect his decision and not push for him to work on anything. He just feels that the marriage has come to an end. Period. Should we find a new MC?

I brought up the EA today and H just says they don't matter. He was unhappy BEFORE the EA, so it is a moot point. What am I not getting here? I feel like giving up. I feel like we are going round and round in a circle. He keeps saying how unhappy he is, never saying WHAT specifically has made him unhappy---he says it's just everything. We have always had conflict, blah, blah...

Now he doesn't know how we can live together for the next year. I'm adamant that we HAVE to for financial reasons. He doesn't see how it will work, but we have no choice. Arrrgh! I just want to scream today.

[Kittyfish]

Have you thought about getting a DB coach?? Don't say you can't afford it- because it's cheaper than divorce.

You need to find a pro marriage counselor. I don't know if this site can help you hook up with one or not.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Feeling so hopeless b/c we just got back from MC session that was a train wreck. Our MC is pushing us towards divorce. H still didn't want to talk about the therapist with our MC as part of the EA probably b/c he's still worried it might cost her her job. So that tells me he DOES NOT know she has already lost it. MC doesn't attempt to explore why H wants a divorce; she more or less just says I should respect his decision and not push for him to work on anything. He just feels that the marriage has come to an end. Period. Should we find a new MC?

In my opinion, yes. Not sure if your insurance or an employee EAP program is paying for these sessions or you're having to pay cash, but why invest money and time into counseling that is not pro-marriage??

Your husband saying he's "never been happy" is just basic script -- re-writing of marital history is what they call it, and it happens in nearly 100% of affairs. I wouldn't pay much attention to that, although I know it hurts.

Look, you don't need to do ANYTHING today. Just try to detach, and do some GAL stuff for yourself. You're going to need to re-charge your batteries for any potential blowback that comes once he finds out OW lost her job. For now, learn the fine art of "I'm sorry you feel that way," and DON'T feel like you have to have all (or even ANY) answers for him.

Puppy

[eternaloptimist]

Have you thought about getting a DB coach?? Don't say you can't afford it- because it's cheaper than divorce.

You need to find a pro marriage counselor. I don't know if this site can help you hook up with one or not.

Hi, Kittfish! How are you? TGIF and thanks for the feedback! Aaah, yep, plunked down the big bucks for three sessions already. I worked with Jody who has been excellent. My take home from her has been "do I want to be right, or do I want to save my marriage?" I want to save my marriage! She helped me so much but seems I'm not helping myself AT ALL.

Now that all of the EA has been exposed and I've been trying to heal for the past two weeks, I am really working hard at DBing. The conflict btw me and H is getting smaller...I'm going on vaca with our son tomorrow for a week...so hopefully our absence will have an impact. H will see what life will be like without us in it every day. That may be good or that may be bad; he may decide even stronger that divorce is what he wants b/c I'm not around. I don't know.

I've made some horrible reactive decisions and reacted so badly in the past few weeks, pushing H further out the door. He says it's just too late for our marriage to be saved now. I guess there was a "sliver of hope" he says. But in recent weeks, I killed that hope. I don't know if I can get it back now or not. The way I have reacted to finding out about his EAs makes him "afraid" of me. That hurts. I wonder how he would have reacted if I had had an affair. I keep reinforcing why he wants to leave and now he wonders why I would want to be with him at all.

I haven't been able to find ANY pro-marriage counselors where I live. They are all hours and hours away from where we live. Does anyone know of any that do online, synchronous MC sessions?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I've made some horrible reactive decisions and reacted so badly in the past few weeks, pushing H further out the door. He says it's just too late for our marriage to be saved now. I guess there was a "sliver of hope" he says. But in recent weeks, I killed that hope. I don't know if I can get it back now or not. The way I have reacted to finding out about his EAs makes him "afraid" of me.

With all due respect, EO, that's bull$hit. And it's typical infidelity "script" to boot. You showed that you weren't willing to live in an open marriage? And there's supposedly something WRONG about that, that it makes him "afraid" of you??? WTF???

Well, truth dart time, honey: "If it scares you that I would stand up for myself and not be willing to live with an open marriage, then that's your issue, not mine."

I've studied affairs for three years now -- thousands of them. I would estimate that in 98% of them that were exposed, the cheating spouse says "Well, NOW you BLEW it!! I WAS thinking about getting back together, but YOU CAN FORGET THAT NOW!!!" . . . or something VERY similar to it.

Honestly, can't these people come up with something ORIGINAL at least???

Puppy

[eternaloptimist]

Feeling so hopeless b/c we just got back from MC session that was a train wreck. Our MC is pushing us towards divorce. H still didn't want to talk about the therapist with our MC as part of the EA probably b/c he's still worried it might cost her her job. So that tells me he DOES NOT know she has already lost it. MC doesn't attempt to explore why H wants a divorce; she more or less just says I should respect his decision and not push for him to work on anything. He just feels that the marriage has come to an end. Period. Should we find a new MC?

In my opinion, yes. Not sure if your insurance or an employee EAP program is paying for these sessions or you're having to pay cash, but why invest money and time into counseling that is not pro-marriage??

Your husband saying he's "never been happy" is just basic script -- re-writing of marital history is what they call it, and it happens in nearly 100% of affairs. I wouldn't pay much attention to that, although I know it hurts.

Look, you don't need to do ANYTHING today. Just try to detach, and do some GAL stuff for yourself. You're going to need to re-charge your batteries for any potential blowback that comes once he finds out OW lost her job. For now, learn the fine art of "I'm sorry you feel that way," and DON'T feel like you have to have all (or even ANY) answers for him.

Puppy

Hi, Puppy. ((HUG)) You and Kittyfish have been such a support for me. Such a low day for me. I know rule number one---don't give up hope. Hard today...

I've got great health insurance but haven't been able to find any MC that is pro-marriage in my area. Our MC today said, "Well, even when you guys were here 2 yrs. ago, your marriage was tenuous." Ugh. I felt outnumbered and bombarded by the pro-divorce sentiments.

I have been focusing on the fact that we will be in the same house for the next year (which gives me time to DB) b/c we have no other choice in terms of finances, my job, son's school/daycare, etc. I thought H agreed to this. But now it came out in MC that H feels trapped by this scenario, so this will lead to conflict I guess and that is what he's afraid of.

Well, I'm off to GAL... Going to the beach for a week! Happy Weekend to anyone who's been keeping up with my threads and thanks for all of the support here.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If he feels trapped, he's free to leave. Just tell him "I'm not going anywhere, I haven't done anything wrong."