I hope you had fun tonight. Beats working and stuck in a rain storm in Texas in June. Be safe!!!
Yep, had a great time and it was fun to make my friend laugh and give her excellent marital advice!!
She told me her H is worried that we're talking so much about D because of my sitch. I told her I would think I'm the poster child for why to not D...and of course that I'd rather have my toenails pulled off one by one than go through this...
Came home. H was weiiiiiiiird and was jonesing to get out of here. Kind of funny. I handed him a snack I had forgotten to pick up for him earlier when I was at the market and he said "did you stop and get that just for me?" "Yep," I answered. But I looked good, had a great attitude (no act).
I have no idea what his deal was...but, I feel a LOT better.
Gonna see him at the kids' school tomorrow but I'm not going to be writing about it because I'm taking my 24 hour hiatus from posting about him...
While you're resting, I just want to echo the others in saying that what you did is yesterday's news. You let it out. Great. Feel better about it. It should help actually because you were able to let out all that pent up frustration and anger. When you get the chance, go back and really listen to what you wrote and what he said. I think you'll find a few clues in there.
I think you're doing wonderfully. I really do. I think your time lines and expectations may not be where you need them to be.
Enjoy the time off. Keep up the good work. You are really making progress and if you can stay away from R talk with H for a little while I think you'll find his mind is really going over the information you dumped on him. I think he's going to come back and try to dispute parts of what you said. Be sure to keep it correct for the ones that have facts and aren't you leaping to a conclusion (be honest). It will happen over time, but he has to dispute each of the things you've said in order to continue in my opinion.
Your mission...
AJ
P.S. when i mentioned about custody of the kids, you took it wrong. If you re-read it and still take it that way, let me know and I'll try again.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Saw H yesterday at school event, I was in a great mood. Went to check out a friend's art gallery and then lunch. I looked good, felt good. We had a great conversation.
Clearly, when we start generating chemistry, he wants to take it in another direction. He is extremely driven. He asked me (on the heels of really friendly and interesting convo) the difference between legal separation and divorce. I told him that he can do some research on it. But, it turned the conversation (which obviously was the point).
In continuing he told me that my message about the fact that we are married really stuck with him and he so much as admitted having been with someone else and there being a person.
He told me it is evidence to him that my desire to try to come back together is just about the kids because I seem to care so little about him being with other women....aargh. I see the trap. I told him it is extremely painful but that it is so beyond my control and I have recognized that likelihood for a long time. Somewhere in there I mentioned having warded off sexual advances. He asked "from who? My friends? The 'Russian' guy? [long story]" That sure peaked his interest but doesn't really matter.
Another prolonged conversation about R. Painful, and revelatory, too wiped out to parse for clues right now.
H was at the house working all afternoon. He texted me on his way over that he is sorry he is so defensive and provocative and he doesn't want me to get the wrong idea. When it came up again, I said I would like a few days without discussing this stuff and perhaps we can schedule a time when I am prepared to deal with it.
While he was here, I went about my business but it was pretty hellish. He is aggressively looking for things to sell and started to take things apart. The irony is that so much of what is finally happening are things I wanted for so long (dealing with finances, getting organized) but clearly he is unnerved by this limbo (he's sleeping on a couch at a friend's) and motivated to get out.
His friend came by (with whom I have a great rapport) but still, it felt like this is not MY home. I asked if they were planning on staying for dinner (I knew kids would want them) and I made a great dinner and it was really nice, light...
When I was getting the kids to bed, we went back and forth from bed to bed cuddling with them. Looking at each other, it was clear we were both thinking about the future without this. And S6 blurted out Mommy together with Daddy is Moddy...just being silly.
H stayed rather late in his office and it so unnerved me. I finally told him I was going to bed and it got so awkward. I didn't go give him a hug, was just going to my room and he asked something about what was wrong or something and it felt weird. I said that I guess sometimes it is just going to feel that way. I gave him a hug and we said good night. At one point he did something really silly and I laughed and I noticed right there that he wants that with me but when we have it, he gets freaked out.
OK, so he left and it occurred to me, "I feel so disrespected" and then of course, "I can only be disrespected if I allow myself to be."
So, I had 101 actions running through my mind. Perhaps, "get the f out and stay out."
I settled down and decided to make a list just for today and give myself some time to figure out my next move. I have a lot of ideas and hope I will get help here figuring it out.
For now:
today-
1)No R talk with H 2) Exercise 3)Call one place regarding volunteering 4) Spend 1 full hour playing with and focused on kids. 5) Give myself three days to process the info I've gotten
I have a few other general little to-dos...
And yes, I realize that my H admitted to being intimate with someone else and I in turn made him a nice dinner...barf.
1)No R talk with H 2) Exercise 3)Call one place regarding volunteering 4) Spend 1 full hour playing with and focused on kids. 5) Give myself three days to process the info I've gotten
great list!
Quote:
And yes, I realize that my H admitted to being intimate with someone else and I in turn made him a nice dinner...barf.
Oh sweetie, do not beat yourself up about this! If you were truly "done" with your H and the M, you wouls have directed him to the nearest McDonalds. I know, cause I have been living this for a year now.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
In continuing he told me that my message about the fact that we are married really stuck with him and he so much as admitted having been with someone else and there being a person.
Set a boundary here! Fear will tell you don't set a boundary because it might chase him away (this is also you telling yourself you don't deserve to be treated better). Loves says for your benefit you deserve to be respected, love and honored, so a boundary of no OW while you are M is loving to you, your family and H.
This journey is about you doing the work - loving yourself. Today I will ____________________.
I can ______________________.
You can handle it. Get busy.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
but clearly he is unnerved by this limbo (he's sleeping on a couch at a friend's) and motivated to get out.
Get that out of your head. In fact, you don't know either way if he is unnerved or is freaked out. My bet is the latter, but you should be focusing on you because you'll drive yourself nutzo.
It is not "ironic" that he is doing the things you've asked for in the past and him telling you things is likely designed to hurt you. You may find out later that it was just a trap and he hasn't done anything with anyone. Don't fall for that trap. As was said, set the boundary and MEAN IT.
You are totally awesome! Scary awesome! Keep it up. Change is coming....
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
You may find out later that it was just a trap and he hasn't done anything with anyone.
This is what I thought because he is so wishy washy and all over the place about it but then that is what people do when they are guilty too. Honestly, I don't care that much right now unless there is a specific significant other. I mean it hurts, but my focus is what comes next.
Quote:
set the boundary and MEAN IT.
Ok, so what is the boundary? And how is it set?
Really, what is my leverage?
I need to make some choices that are specific here because telling him no sex with other women while we're married when he doesn't see us as really married anymore, does what? What is my or else?
I think my focus needs to be how I can function with some degree of self-respect and sanity. For example, I need a certain amount of notice as to what hours he will be here and he can ask me if he wants to have someone over and how late they will be here. Of course this comes off as controlling but I need to have some space. In the beginning of sep, I had boundaries and he was going crazy trying to access me and what I was doing.
Here's what is going for us in the tiny shred of a marriage we have left-
he still cares what I think he still wants to be around me a lot he still wants to talk about R and make it make sense (needs to heal too)
I can give you 10 negatives for every positive but this is THE defining moment of my life as of yet.
So, choices, boundaries. I am giving myself three days to make some concrete decisions...
He is IMing me right now...I have so much fear when we communicate. He asked how I'm feeling, I don't know how to be honest.
Please, please, check on me these next few days. I know it sounds pathetic but I can't talk to anyone else about this given what has come out. And, I really need the support.
Thanks.
Holy smokes- basically i said i am good but tired. he said he's tired too. i said ya, it is a lot...he said "I don't know when life got so f'ing overwhelming"...
I said, that i feel that and it has been a lot...
Why does that feel so liberating? Whatever comes out of this, I love him, I appreciate him and I am sad that it was so hard...
