Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Update: I had an interview yesterday and it looks like I've got a strong chance to get a new job. It is a temporary position that could morph into a permanant job, but the good news is that the pay is decent and steady, and since it is different enough than my small business, yet requires the same background, I could sell my practice and do this job if I like it. This is incredibly liberating information for me and I was excited to share it with my H.

I told him about it and asked what he thought. He said "That's great that you have found something (job) that you can support yourself on the salary". I mentioned that I would have no problem splitting the sale of my business were he to drop the D and sign something saying he wouldn't D for a number of years, because obviously I have good reason to be wary (given that he filed for D). He said, no, that he does not "want to engage in our dynamic" again, and he still wants the D. Then he said, he's more than willing to sign something to let me have 100% of the business proceeds, he doesn't want any of it.

This rejection, of me specifically, not just the job and money situation, cut deep. I didn't let my H see me get upset about this, instead I left the house. I went to the park with my ipod and my cell phone and broke down crying. I called our MC, left a message and then my brother, who has become a strong shoulder for me to cry on unexpectedly during this hard time.

I have always loved my brother, but lately he's become so damn helpful and loving to me by letting me vent to him that I can't ever thank him enough. Really, I see this as the only good that's come of this hard time, the fact that we have gotten so close and that I truly realize how compassionate and loving he is. It also gives me hope that there are other fantastic men out there, I just have to find them. I was telling him though, that I'm so afraid that my "man radar" is broken because I did not see how badly broken my H is until we were already married. I'm terrified to think about dating again, but more so, after I fall for someone, that I will continue to get hurt.

Later, I asked for some things from my H, some insurance cards, as well as this written statement stating just exactly what he said hours before. The deadline is approaching for my written response to his initial divorce papers, and there is a segment there that says "there is a written agreement about property or asset divison", and you have to answer yes or no. I wanted to be able to say "yes" about the business as an asset, and since I am seeing my attorney tomorrow I wanted to be able to include it. Then, my darling H, backtracks and says that no, he meant that he would let me have 100% of my biz assets were I to leave his assets 100% to him, aka his home and 401k, etc. Yeah right. Nice try buster.

Honestly, I do not love this man, whom I've renamed H2. H2 is not the man I married, he is petty, annoying, selfish and self occupied. The only clue I had that H2 ever existed inside my H is the fact he really had no deep friendships whatsoever. He thought he did, however, and the activities that we did with them during our courtship fooled me to think he did have reciprocal relationships with others, but what I have found, living with him, is that he really buys their friendship with lavish gifts that are completely innapropriate for the circumstances.

Heck, since I've moved in, even before we've gotten married, so for a FULL YEAR, NOT ONE has stopped into the house, or even stopped AT the house to carpool or whatever to another location. The only one who has, was the spouse of his "friend" who did electrical work for us that we paid him for. I honestly think that he wants a close relationship with people and a wife, but is terrified of it at the same time, so builds "walls" around himself to protect him from this. That's why he's being so GD weird and urgent in pushing me away from his life, I press against those boundries because I want and expect a deep and fullfilling marriage and friendship with my spouse, and he is simply unable to provide this to ANYONE. It would be sad if he weren't treating me so poorly and being so mean to me. Now instead of pity, I just feel scorn.

Yep, you are reading me right, I am starting to give up on this marriage. I will continue doing the DR, but because I need to seriously start detaching and taking care of me, not because I want my husband back. I want the man I married back, not this imposter, H2. I think that this mental switch is totally healthy for me right now and ironically, probably this complete 180 will give him a major wakeup and might, just might, make him decide to change his mind, but really, I don't care. I can't care anymore, because it's killing me.