I have not asked her where she wants to be in 6 months and maybe you are right that I need to start shifting the focus from me onto her. Asking her what she wants out of this R, where she sees us being in 6 months and what are her thoughts on intimacy. I was thinking sort of the same thing while I was writting my post this morning.
As for the ex, I don't feel the need to discuss him, in my opinion he is not worth wasting anymore energy on his sorry ass than I already have but an apology from her for their inappropriate R would be nice and an acknowledgement that she has done wrong and hurt me would also be nice.
And its not that I have not forgiven myself it is her that continues to carry it around and use it as a shield or a defense mechanism and that is what irritates me and wants me to just say "get the fu** over it already." But the MC says to give her more time and I will. The MC says she sees progress so I will use more patience and continue on for the time being.
Thanks fo the birthday wish WT, its not till the 22 so I still have a week or so before I'm a year older.
Tim, Just tweek your mindest for yourself. You are doing the work, making positive changes, acknowledging your role, and being a better man. It looks to me that you have a expectation that your W will start coming around which causes pressure. Just love her the best you can because you are so strong and confident in who you are that it just a gift to her while she sorts things out. I think it is a matter of trust, she wants to come to you but is scared. Just be the best you can standing and holding out this gift you have for her until she comes to you to open it. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
And its not that I have not forgiven myself it is her that continues to carry it around and use it as a shield or a defense mechanism and that is what irritates me and wants me to just say "get the fu** over it already."
I agree with the shield analogy. Let me see if I can express this correctly - the fact that she can still get a reaction out of you is why I said forgive yourself. You have made great positive changes that are now who you are (I think you became the man you always were, the changes were to lose the negativity). Anyways, what I'm suggesting is that you have confidence in YOU - no need to tiptoe around. I know my 'sight' is very limited in this situation, but I still feel like you handle her with kid gloves.
Tim, Just tweek your mindest for yourself. You are doing the work, making positive changes, acknowledging your role, and being a better man. It looks to me that you have a expectation that your W will start coming around which causes pressure. Just love her the best you can because you are so strong and confident in who you are that it just a gift to her while she sorts things out. I think it is a matter of trust, she wants to come to you but is scared. Just be the best you can standing and holding out this gift you have for her until she comes to you to open it. You can handle it.
Cheers
Thanks Coach,
Most of the time I am good at having no expectations and giving her the time to sort things out but I have my moments of frustration and doubt and that is what causes me to be impatient and want to push the issue. I know I can handle it its just sometimes I need to vent and get it out of my head and off my chest and let my friends here slap me upside the head so I can see things straight and to give me a little advice and guidance.
And its not that I have not forgiven myself it is her that continues to carry it around and use it as a shield or a defense mechanism and that is what irritates me and wants me to just say "get the fu** over it already."
I agree with the shield analogy. Let me see if I can express this correctly - the fact that she can still get a reaction out of you is why I said forgive yourself. You have made great positive changes that are now who you are (I think you became the man you always were, the changes were to lose the negativity). Anyways, what I'm suggesting is that you have confidence in YOU - no need to tiptoe around. I know my 'sight' is very limited in this situation, but I still feel like you handle her with kid gloves.
Ah, a cancer....now it makes sense....
WT
I see your point and I am sure there is a small part of me that may still not have forgiven myself so I will work on that.
And yes I am a Cancer and not only that I am on the cusp couple that with my W that is a Leo and she is on the cusp also and you have a great pair.
And its not that I have not forgiven myself it is her that continues to carry it around and use it as a shield or a defense mechanism and that is what irritates me and wants me to just say "get the fu** over it already." But the MC says to give her more time and I will. The MC says she sees progress so I will use more patience and continue on for the time being.
Tim I totally relate to this. This came up in a conversation I had with my W the other day. It's a waste of my breath to point out she still hasn't taken any responsibility for what happened to our R. Now she's starting to lie and embelish stuff about interactions we've had and my behavior - and writing it down I would guess to present to the psychologist. I refuse to follow suit, but her behavior amazes me. I would never have guessed she would stoop to such levels.
As far as taking responsibility - I believe it is totally necessary for the R to actually move forward to where it needs to be but I have no idea what would trigger your W to actually embrace it. I think the constant focus on us and our past behavior gives them the out of not looking at themselves. My W is still doing it today - I am her focus point. Maybe when we physically seperate she will have herself to look at. Who knows... I don't waste much time thinking about it. I suggest you do the same.
Keep eyes on you and off her. I would talk to the MC if I were you and find out if there was a way to start focusing on what will actually REPAIR the marriage rather then spending so much time looking in the rearview mirror.
Staring at the past and rehashing the behavior just reinforces the fear in your W. It's like making them relive it over and over every time it comes up. This is the mistake my MC made in our sessions. In hindsight I wish we would have been talking about - this is what is needed to move it forward. It came about at the end, but by then my W had already checked out.
Hey WT you got time to stop off over at my thread? I miss seeing you there.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Thanks for stopping by WT. Here is a quick update about what happened Thursday morning. You may get to swing that 2x4 yet today.
I had to go back to Toronto and Wednesday night I was thinking my W would come to bed early since we have been getting along better. She did not and I was irritaded and ended up sleeping on the couch.(Yea I know no expectations)
The next morning after I got a shower she asked why I did that. Told her I could not sleep. Then she asked me if I was going to give her a hug which I gruggingly did. Then she asked if I was mad at her and I said no.
She asked again why I sleep on the couch and I said its nothing don't worry about it. At which she said fine.
I went down stairs and got ready and decided to tell her what was really bothering me. I went back upstairs and asked her if she wanted to know why I slept on the couch and she said yes.
I told her I am tired of going to bed alone, I am tired of not having any physical contact and I keep telling you this.She said I thought we were doing better, getting along better. I said we are but I am frustrated that's all. I told you when we started MC that I feel love different than you. You see it as acts of kindness and words of affection and not that I don't like the time we have been spending together but I need physical contact.
All that stuff is nice but how would you feel if I did not talk to you for three weeks. She said she would not like that. I said that is how I feel when we go weeks without toiuching.
She said why didn't you ask me.last night? I said I feel like I am invading your space and I don't want you to think it is a chore. I asked you back in October and even before that that I wanted you to come to bed earlier sometimes to be with me and I sound like a wuss or needy to continue to ask you.
She said that it does not make you sound like a wuss.
I also said I don't want to put undo pressure onto you but we have been in MC for 6 months now and I don't know anymore now than I did then. I need to know where you think we are going and what you expect out of our R. I know there is something you are not telling me and I think the MC knows because she keeps preaching patience and its been a long time and all I ever get is that its getting better and its been this way a long time.
She said all I told the MC is that I am not ready yet nothing more.
We sat in silence for a minute and she said I will try harder.
Heard that before abd have done this convo before but maybe just maybe she will get it this time.
