Saw H yesterday at school event, I was in a great mood. Went to check out a friend's art gallery and then lunch. I looked good, felt good. We had a great conversation.
Clearly, when we start generating chemistry, he wants to take it in another direction. He is extremely driven. He asked me (on the heels of really friendly and interesting convo) the difference between legal separation and divorce. I told him that he can do some research on it. But, it turned the conversation (which obviously was the point).
In continuing he told me that my message about the fact that we are married really stuck with him and he so much as admitted having been with someone else and there being a person.
He told me it is evidence to him that my desire to try to come back together is just about the kids because I seem to care so little about him being with other women....aargh. I see the trap. I told him it is extremely painful but that it is so beyond my control and I have recognized that likelihood for a long time. Somewhere in there I mentioned having warded off sexual advances. He asked "from who? My friends? The 'Russian' guy? [long story]" That sure peaked his interest but doesn't really matter.
Another prolonged conversation about R. Painful, and revelatory, too wiped out to parse for clues right now.
H was at the house working all afternoon. He texted me on his way over that he is sorry he is so defensive and provocative and he doesn't want me to get the wrong idea. When it came up again, I said I would like a few days without discussing this stuff and perhaps we can schedule a time when I am prepared to deal with it.
While he was here, I went about my business but it was pretty hellish. He is aggressively looking for things to sell and started to take things apart. The irony is that so much of what is finally happening are things I wanted for so long (dealing with finances, getting organized) but clearly he is unnerved by this limbo (he's sleeping on a couch at a friend's) and motivated to get out.
His friend came by (with whom I have a great rapport) but still, it felt like this is not MY home. I asked if they were planning on staying for dinner (I knew kids would want them) and I made a great dinner and it was really nice, light...
When I was getting the kids to bed, we went back and forth from bed to bed cuddling with them. Looking at each other, it was clear we were both thinking about the future without this. And S6 blurted out Mommy together with Daddy is Moddy...just being silly.
H stayed rather late in his office and it so unnerved me. I finally told him I was going to bed and it got so awkward. I didn't go give him a hug, was just going to my room and he asked something about what was wrong or something and it felt weird. I said that I guess sometimes it is just going to feel that way. I gave him a hug and we said good night. At one point he did something really silly and I laughed and I noticed right there that he wants that with me but when we have it, he gets freaked out.
OK, so he left and it occurred to me, "I feel so disrespected" and then of course, "I can only be disrespected if I allow myself to be."
So, I had 101 actions running through my mind. Perhaps, "get the f out and stay out."
I settled down and decided to make a list just for today and give myself some time to figure out my next move. I have a lot of ideas and hope I will get help here figuring it out.
For now:
today-
1)No R talk with H 2) Exercise 3)Call one place regarding volunteering 4) Spend 1 full hour playing with and focused on kids. 5) Give myself three days to process the info I've gotten
I have a few other general little to-dos...
And yes, I realize that my H admitted to being intimate with someone else and I in turn made him a nice dinner...barf.
