How Do You Forgive?

[Kittyfish]

I agree with Puppy.

Listen, I was the definition of emotionallly exhausted when I had my A. Heck, I even have found out I'm bipolar years later but I don't use that as an excuse.

I could list all of my stressor for you but I won't. I was much like your H in the fact that I put everyone else in front of myself.

No matter what stressors I had- it still wasn't an excuse for having an affair.

I get that you don't really want to "go there" in your mind that he's actually been physical with someone. If it wasn't the therapist it's someone he met off Ashley Madison- didn't you say he had an ad on there??

Yes, your sex life sucked- still no excuse for what he's done.

He's getting his emotional needs filled somewhere else- because of all the red flags that both Puppy and I indicated.

I think confronting him again right now is a mute point- I don't think he's going to tell the truth anyway- just more damage control- which you really want to believe.

I'm not trying to be harsh- just trying to help. My marriage is not in trouble- I came here for the singular purpose of seeing if I could help someone else.

[eternaloptimist]

"Re-writing of marital history" refers to a cheating spouse telling their betrayed spouse that "I've never been happy in the marriage," even though all earlier indications are that they WERE. They actually go back in their minds and RE-WRITE the history of their marriage, making it out to be much worse than it was, EARLIER than it was, to justify the decision to have an affair.

I'd estimate that it happens is over 80% of all affairs.

As for the rest of it, I'm hearing you, but I remain unconvinced. Just please be careful.

Puppy

Hi, Puppy. Ahhhh! Yeah, I totally hear you. Thanks again for your support this week.

We had some fights this weekend and I told him that he was rewriting our marriage. True. I put together a "timeline" of the things that I found out over the past 6 months and I pointed out how, when I confronted him about the 1st assumed EA (which he denied and spun to keep me off the trail of the real EA w/his therapist), that he was sorry for causing me any pain, said he loved me, etc. He said that he didn't realize how much I still loved him. Well, that was all crap I guess, b/c it was AFTER this that he still pursued the therapist. In his mind, our marriage was over no matter what I said or did. That is how he justified his actions. To which I replied, "Well, I didn't get to be part of that decision." I did tell him over and over that I wanted a divorce in the heat of arguments, but I never meant it. I just couldn't take the emotional abuse anymore and was trying to get his attention. Little good that did me.

He says that the EA with the therapist was not as important to him as I think it was and that I should stop reading the posts here. Since the therapist could lose her job, I do not think he has any contact w/ her. I am still checking the computer and have seen no more evidence. But I am skeptical at best. He seems more depressed than ever and is having more trouble sleeping again. So I think he has cut off contact. His behavior seems to indicate this.

[eternaloptimist]

I agree with Puppy.

I get that you don't really want to "go there" in your mind that he's actually been physical with someone. If it wasn't the therapist it's someone he met off Ashley Madison- didn't you say he had an ad on there??

Thanks, Kittyfish. Yeah, even my Mom says that he is selfish and why would you want to be with him anymore? He still denies anything physical. He didn't meet anyone that I know of off Ashley Madison. I saw the account but he deleted it after only one day. (I was monitoring the computer.)

[Kittyfish]

Of course he wants you to stop reading here- he doesn't want you to be educated about the whole thing!

[eternaloptimist]

Hello Everyone. What a wild week. H and I haven't been in much conflict this week, which has been good. We've even had some fun with our son at night. A few bumps here and there and one big fight the night after our son was sick. I was tired and lashed out---big mistake. He was supposedly still "deciding" on whether or not he wanted to get divorced or work on the marriage. After the fight, he snapped his fingers and said "I'm done. Now you'll never know what my decision would have been." [Insert numerous expletives here!]

So now I don't know what to think. I blew it yet again. Trying to not buy into what he said though and picked myself right back up again. I blame my hormones on this one b/c I've lost so much weight (29 lbs.) that it has done a number on my biochemistry, and being up all night with an exhausted and sick child. Giving myself a much-deserved hug and accepting that I am human too.

I've pulled back and, of course, just like DB theory and practice, he seeks me out to see if I want "to talk," calls me to see if I am ok, that he is worried about me, that he doesn't know how to help me. I have been going about my own business, trying to get back to being the real me, the eternal optimist. I need to set some goals for myself to stay focused and STOP obsessing over his Mid Life Crisis. (I've decided that yes, he's in a MLC.)

Yesterday, after seeing my C, I started thinking about the whole "reporting the therapist" sitch. I thought, well, would I do this for revenge or b/c it is the RIGHT thing to do? To make sure that no one else is damaged by this person? Well, I decided it was the latter. I mostly feel pity for the therapist. So I called the practice and just wanted to anonymously inquire about how they handle disciplinary action, if patient confidentiality is maintained, what happens to the employee, etc. I know that going to the State License Board does not guarantee anonymity and that you might be called into a hearing. Not really what I want to have complicate my life right now. So, I digress.

The short of it is this---Therapist was TERMINATED last Friday! I spoke to an Executive Director in confidence about what I knew in vague terms (no names) and she alluded to the fact that they recently had a breach of ethics in the office. When I felt assured that I would not have to be involved, she told me that when I confronted the therapist in public, one of her co-workers overheard my comments about her needing to lose her license, exploiting her patient, etc. So that triggered the therapist's colleague to start an investigation. They uncovered emails and she was FIRED!!! I still want to know if they had sex. There was only about a month for things to heat up, which would have been enough time. But, after checking H's bank account, calendar, emails, credit card statements, closets, drawers, basically everything and anything, I feel 95% sure it was EA only.

I am 99% certain that my H does NOT even know about this yet b/c I'm sure he would have a VERY hard time keeping those emotions in check. I know that he would feel tremendous guilt about it and probably blame me. If he ever comes to me with this information, I'll claim total ignorance b/c I did not report her. So this tells me that he really has cut off contact with her. I feel a huge sense of relief but I'm also scared at the same time. I'm not sure why. I can't seem to process it yet. Maybe I'm worried about how she will explain this to her H? She'd be stupid to tell her H about the EA, wouldn't she? She could just come up with some other lie that would explain the ethical breach. I guess I fear her H going postal on mine when the bottom line is the therapist did more wrong than my H. My H is psychologically vulnerable and not making any good choices for his life. I don't excuse his behavior and still have a world of anger about it, but I can at least put it into context and see how he was mentally exploited.

Leaving soon for my vaca with son and no H!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

EA,

Well, I guess we'll find out soon enough if your husband was sincere in wanting to end it with her, or if he was merely afraid he was going to contribute to her losing her job. Once he finds out she's already LOST it, you might want to be prepared for him taking a turn for the worse with you. Maybe not.

I'm glad she lost her job. She NEEDED to. And you should feel good that your confrontation of her led to it. The woman is a PREDATOR, and needs to get professional help herself.

I wouldn't concern yourself with this:

A few bumps here and there and one big fight the night after our son was sick. I was tired and lashed out---big mistake. He was supposedly still "deciding" on whether or not he wanted to get divorced or work on the marriage. After the fight, he snapped his fingers and said "I'm done. Now you'll never know what my decision would have been." [Insert numerous expletives here!]

This is purely infidelity SCRIPT, and happens, I would estimate, more than 95% of the time. If you doubt it, just start a thread called "NOW You've Done it!" and see how many LBSs have heard almost word-for-word the EXACT SAME THING.

Puppy

[eternaloptimist]

EA,

Well, I guess we'll find out soon enough if your husband was sincere in wanting to end it with her, or if he was merely afraid he was going to contribute to her losing her job. Once he finds out she's already LOST it, you might want to be prepared for him taking a turn for the worse with you. Maybe not.

Puppy

Oh, wise one---could you elaborate more on what you mean here? Do you mean that, if he finds out she lost her job, he might start up the EA again? H told me this week that he didn't care if I reported her, that the relationship wasn't as strong or as important to him as I think it was, that he doesn't even think about her.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Basically, yes. I believe I had posted to you earlier (was going to copy and paste it, but you had so many threads going, I couldn't find it LOL) that there were three different explanations as to why the EA seemed to be over:

1. They had agreed to "cool it", and that your H was terrified that he might cost OW her job.
2. They had pushed the affair underground
3. OW had dumped your husband

Now that she's LOST her job, #1 would be off the table, so it would be interesting to see now what happens.

H told me this week that he didn't care if I reported her, that the relationship wasn't as strong or as important to him as I think it was, that he doesn't even think about her.

Yes, I know, but you can't go by what he says, because ALL CHEATERS LIE -- period.

Just stay detached and keep working on YOU.

Puppy

[eternaloptimist]

Basically, yes. I believe I had posted to you earlier (was going to copy and paste it, but you had so many threads going, I couldn't find it LOL) that there were three different explanations as to why the EA seemed to be over:

1. They had agreed to "cool it", and that your H was terrified that he might cost OW her job.
2. They had pushed the affair underground
3. OW had dumped your husband

Now that she's LOST her job, #1 would be off the table, so it would be interesting to see now what happens.

H told me this week that he didn't care if I reported her, that the relationship wasn't as strong or as important to him as I think it was, that he doesn't even think about her.

Yes, I know, but you can't go by what he says, because ALL CHEATERS LIE -- period.

Just stay detached and keep working on YOU.

Puppy

I feel so frustrated, Puppy. I'm a smart woman but I have no idea what to think or do now. To quote my H from our MC session today, "we are stuck." We can't afford to get divorced, we can't afford to separate. But he doesn't know how we will live together for the next year. It is clear that he doesn't want to put any effort into working on the marriage ever... I think the EA is really over, along with my marriage.

[eternaloptimist]

Just talked to H on the phone. I'm trying to figure out FOR ME how to feel, think, and act. Do I keep DBing living in the same house for the next year? I think so but H still ambivalent it will work w/out major conflict. He wants to know how will deal with "stuff," like going to the neighbors for parties, visits with family, getting our individual needs met (i.e., dating other ppl?) How do I handle this stuff? Should we both try dating opening as if we are separated but in the same house? Let him see what other kind of women are out there? Same for me? Or is this counter-productive for DBing?

Since #1 is off the table and now SHE has to deal with the fact that she's lost her job and will possibly be under further investigation by the state licensing board, I seriously doubt they pushed the EA underground. I imagine she has her hands full with all sorts of financial and emotional messes. Still, H is in same place with not wanting to work on marriage.