How Do You Forgive?

[eternaloptimist]

Hello Everyone. What a wild week. H and I haven't been in much conflict this week, which has been good. We've even had some fun with our son at night. A few bumps here and there and one big fight the night after our son was sick. I was tired and lashed out---big mistake. He was supposedly still "deciding" on whether or not he wanted to get divorced or work on the marriage. After the fight, he snapped his fingers and said "I'm done. Now you'll never know what my decision would have been." [Insert numerous expletives here!]

So now I don't know what to think. I blew it yet again. Trying to not buy into what he said though and picked myself right back up again. I blame my hormones on this one b/c I've lost so much weight (29 lbs.) that it has done a number on my biochemistry, and being up all night with an exhausted and sick child. Giving myself a much-deserved hug and accepting that I am human too.

I've pulled back and, of course, just like DB theory and practice, he seeks me out to see if I want "to talk," calls me to see if I am ok, that he is worried about me, that he doesn't know how to help me. I have been going about my own business, trying to get back to being the real me, the eternal optimist. I need to set some goals for myself to stay focused and STOP obsessing over his Mid Life Crisis. (I've decided that yes, he's in a MLC.)

Yesterday, after seeing my C, I started thinking about the whole "reporting the therapist" sitch. I thought, well, would I do this for revenge or b/c it is the RIGHT thing to do? To make sure that no one else is damaged by this person? Well, I decided it was the latter. I mostly feel pity for the therapist. So I called the practice and just wanted to anonymously inquire about how they handle disciplinary action, if patient confidentiality is maintained, what happens to the employee, etc. I know that going to the State License Board does not guarantee anonymity and that you might be called into a hearing. Not really what I want to have complicate my life right now. So, I digress.

The short of it is this---Therapist was TERMINATED last Friday! I spoke to an Executive Director in confidence about what I knew in vague terms (no names) and she alluded to the fact that they recently had a breach of ethics in the office. When I felt assured that I would not have to be involved, she told me that when I confronted the therapist in public, one of her co-workers overheard my comments about her needing to lose her license, exploiting her patient, etc. So that triggered the therapist's colleague to start an investigation. They uncovered emails and she was FIRED!!! I still want to know if they had sex. There was only about a month for things to heat up, which would have been enough time. But, after checking H's bank account, calendar, emails, credit card statements, closets, drawers, basically everything and anything, I feel 95% sure it was EA only.

I am 99% certain that my H does NOT even know about this yet b/c I'm sure he would have a VERY hard time keeping those emotions in check. I know that he would feel tremendous guilt about it and probably blame me. If he ever comes to me with this information, I'll claim total ignorance b/c I did not report her. So this tells me that he really has cut off contact with her. I feel a huge sense of relief but I'm also scared at the same time. I'm not sure why. I can't seem to process it yet. Maybe I'm worried about how she will explain this to her H? She'd be stupid to tell her H about the EA, wouldn't she? She could just come up with some other lie that would explain the ethical breach. I guess I fear her H going postal on mine when the bottom line is the therapist did more wrong than my H. My H is psychologically vulnerable and not making any good choices for his life. I don't excuse his behavior and still have a world of anger about it, but I can at least put it into context and see how he was mentally exploited.

Leaving soon for my vaca with son and no H!