We had MC last night and it was a pretty relaxed session. My W and I have been getting along well texting, emailing, doing stuff around the house and taking walks together.
She said that it is nice and that things are getting better. The problem I have is that she still has no desire to advance the physical contact. When asked about this my W said that the "homework assignment" felt like a chore and not something that felt natural. The MC said that maybe you are not ready to proceed further with this R.
My W said that she likes where it is and that it is better than it was. The MC said that maybe we moved a little to fast and should slow down. She asked if I was alright with this and I said most of the time but I would be lying if I said I totally accepted it. (Most of the time I am fine with it but man there are those times like the past week or so that its not.)
My W said that she knows that I do not want to be this way and that I do not want to be here 6 months from now in the same position. The MC said that I needed to be patient, as if that is not a staple in my life, and not to put time frames on things. (Patient, patience?, as if 2years is not having a lot of patience.)
I told them that I stopped putting time frames on things a long time ago because they are unrealistic. Here is the killer part. My W says that she is still unsure about me and that she has lived this way for so many years its hard to get over it. Damn, its like a broken record, move the fu** on already. I am so tired of this damn comment, its a cop out, get over it uuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh.
Anyways I smiled, looked at her, validated that I understand and yes it was bad there for many years but it was irritating me inside.
The MC then asked my W if there were some underlying issues that she wants to bring up and get out in the open but my W said that there were not any.
The MC asked me if I thought that there were and I said yes but since I cannot read her mind I do not know what they are. The MC said that we cannot force her to reveal them. I agreed.
I told the MC that I apologized for how I treated her in the past and that I was not happy with how I was and that I worked hard to change the things I did not like and most of those were things that I knew she did not like also. The MC asked if I was where I wanted to be and I said yes.
I told her that most of the time I just smile or laugh at the things that use to piss me off. There are time I am driving and someone does something and I just back off and think if they would have done that 2 years ago I would have done something really stupid and been all jacked off.
She said so you have your anger under control and I said yes. But the only bad part is now I can never get mad even when it is called for because I know how my W will react. She looked at my W and she said that she can't remember the last time she felt that way and that I am a much more relaxed and pleasant person to be around. She said that I use to go off and rant and rave about something and then just storm out of the room and that I do not do that anymore.
Then she said that I was the one that was the heavy hand for the kids. I said that is true but I felt that she was way too easy on them and that the more she let them get away with the more strict I was and the stricter I was the easier she was on them. It was a never ending pattern.
My W said that now she has been getting more strict with them and that Tim is the one that talks to them after I get upset. She said that it takes a lot to set her off but the kids know they went too far when she does. She said that the other day our S got me very upset, to the point that I just walked away and I heard Tim downstairs telling him that what he did was wrong and that he needs to apologize to his mother and do what she said. My W said that I was not mean or angry but just told him in a calm way what he needed to do.
The MC said that what you are saying is that it is evening out and that you are backing each other. I said that is how it is suppose to be and its much nicer for me now because I just let my W handle her issues with the kids and I handle mine. So yes its much better this way.
That is pretty much it in a nut shell but it still seems like it was all about me and what I did wrong and her getting over my stuff to move the R forward. It’s like what about the things you did to contribute to our problems and how about an apology for the things she has said and done. Sometimes I feel that it is so one sided and its all about me but it took two to get us here and she had a hand in how all this went down and lets not forget the ex a**hole in all of this. Sorry a little rant to end it. Just needed to get that off my chest and out of my head.
June is a tough month for me, my birthday, Fathers Day and our Anniversary are all within the same week and it’s a little bit of a trigger for me that’s all. I am working my way through it but sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed. Plus what is happening to NDS has me a little upset and makes me questions things in my sitch even though they are not the same and really unrelated but nonetheless it does effect me.
