had a low day yesterday and began to realize how this experience has really called my attention to perspective. Some days I can maintain PMA, really keep the focus on myself, enjoy the growth that I am experiencing and kind of just surrender to the fact that this is what is now, but there is know way to know what lies ahead...for my broken marriage, for my life and where it will take me...and kinda just trust that God will provide what I need, what is best. Regarding the marriage I think, its not unreasonable to think that it might be restored, when and if the time is right. There are sucess stories to look to...
But then, there are still a frustratingly large number of times when I feel only demoralized. I sometimes still can't believe that 1 year ago I was pregnant and my H. was starting a new job and we were just taking for granted everyday things that now I marvel at. And on days like this I feel like the last one in the room to to get the joke, in even thinking that our marriage might be saved or restarted. I look at the right here today reality of our ongoing separation, that during this time he has initiated little to no contact between us, has talked about divorce with such certainty, has not once indicated that he misses anything about me or what we had together, that he is likely still seeing OW, and that the likely scenario is that he is moving on. That this is how it happens.
Its hard because I work in health care and every day I see people and families dealing with disease and loss and all they want, what they wouldn't give for just more time with their loved ones. I feel for them and it makes me look at this marriage situation I am in and think, if we can come through this stronger, than this is what needed to be for the better. But even then, time to love and be together is not indefinite...I see it run out on people every day at work and it makes it hard for me to not be judegemental of my H.'s need to throw our marriage away and do what he is doing right now.
Ok, enough of that. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by a case of major negativity. Got to get back to the positive, for me and my life regarless. Just feeling a little cynical today I guess.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
