HVA, basically in a sentence: It sounds to me by all I've read you can save this marriage. I think he's definitely dealing with different feelings that could potentially lead to divorce, BUT you can change those feelings for both of you. You can change the momentum of this relationship. But I agree with FG, it's time to stop talking and start doing.
First and foremost STOP talking about the R. Maybe it's time for a new MC? The more opportunities he has to say I want out, it's over...blah blah blah the more real it becomes, the more it manifests itself in his head.
I think you can save this because he's still home. That's huge for the two of you. There's lot of opportunity for you to work on things together without him knowing it.
In an early post you said something about him being on a business trip. He calls you and you ask him what he'll be doing next when you hang up....he says he'll be taking clients to dinner....you said "Must be nice" or "Tough job" I can't remember exactly, but something sarcastic.
Now really really put yourself in his shoes.....how would that make you feel? Is it really part of his job to do that, to wine and dine clients? Then you can't hold it against him. If you are sincerely jealous though, you could have said with sincerity "Man, I wish I had your job. What are you going to eat?" Something silly and who cares? (And I know how it feels to be left at home with the kids. Believe me I know so it's hard to be chipper sometimes. You love them so much but damn, they are hard hard work. Esp. alone.)
Look at it this way, the more understanding you are about his job and the more you tell him that you and the kids miss him, the more he most likely would rather be at home with you all. You have to make home the place he'd rather be more than anything and comments like that.....he only wants to plan more client dinner meetings.
Since all you've really done is make him feel he'd probably rather not call you at all or lie to you when he does about what he's doing because that's easier and has less guilt. It's hard, believe me I know, but you have to make him want to call you. Make it easy to talk to you. Right now, I bet you both find it hard to call and talk to each other. So take the first step into making it easier. Maybe every now and then call him about something silly--absolutely no point in calling other than to tell him something funny or stupid.
My H and I now have a night for about half an hour when we talk about finances, child stuff, (who's picking up what day), our schedule....all of the business aspects of being in a marriage. That way during the week, it's not the only thing we talk about or call/text each other for. It leaves room to talk about other stuff. See, if all you talk about on the phone is logistics, you are no fun. You're even a bore and chore really. Your calls and your interaction with him becomes "tasks for husband/father".....you get labeled a nag--which in my opinion is completely unfair, but it happens and there's way too much about all of this for all of us here that's truly not fair. But you know what they say about life......
HVA, don't get me wrong....I believe your H has pulled some crap that just sucks and you have the right to be super pissed....but unfortunately saving this marriage right now is all on you just like it's all on me in my marriage. There are days when I'm so pissed at my H for putting me through this, for quitting I just want to scream. I want to punch him in the gut....but where would it get me? Once I calmed down, and I always do, I would regret it and I would be even further back than from where I started.
You can do this but stop talking and start doing. I was told by a friend "You need to lighten up....but more than that, you need to be softer." Maybe this applies to you too.....?
