I am excited to start today. I will be meeting my collegues for the first time today. Its exciting and scary all at the same time.
It was nice to hear from you Kenn and I hope that starting a new social circle will help with my GAL and self improvement!
Today's goals:
1. Not to obsess about my H. Wait for H to make the next move. 2. Get a manicure/pedicure 3. unpack my last 4 boxes 4. decide if I need to rent a storage unit 5. Buy a slim black belt for the dress I am wearing tonight 6. Read 10 pages of career oriented material 7. Start the Harry Potter book 7 (which I am the only one on earth who hasn't read it) 8. Enjoy myself tonight at dinner 9. Start looking for a bed/mattress
Ok.......that is enough for today. I think today will go by fast and I can feel this momentum in me these past couple of days. Its nice to see the real me! The me that is motivated, driven, proactive, secure, and not living & making decisions out of fear. God I have missed this me!
Hopefully I will have more days like this than down days. That is the eventual goal! I have an exam coming up on the 23rd and so really need to start reading for that as well.....AHHH! I feel like I just went from a negative amount of things to do ........to a million all at once. I am just shoving things in drawers in their designated areas for now....I will used the next week or so to sit and organize each drawer or area. I just want everything in its place.
Well, my evening was nice. I met 2 or 3 people who were so nice that I know I will be knowing them well. It was difficult though as most of the people there came with their families/H..
But, hey......I think I will get along well with this group of people and it will be nice to be surrounded by friendly co-workers. They felt like a big happy family.
I have the day today to just organize and be at home....I guess I will just try to get as much done as possible. I woke up today and made myself a cup of coffee....I haven't done that in a long time. I really love having that morning cup! I have done 2 loads of laundry and well....am just sitting now watching some TV.
I feel a bit on the down side today. Not for any particular reason...but, just.......feeling not as optimistic as yesterday. But, I will perservere! Really, I have lots to do. I will concentrate on that.
Sometimes that feeling of loneliness really can be over-powering. Its so much about ur state of mind...bc how am I more alone today than yesterday or for that matter the last few months? I am no more alone today than any other day. I really have to remember that.
I think it was so nice to see people having full lives....it made me feel my loss even more.....I can't believe right when we are on the verge of having full, stable lives, H is doing a 180!
But, that is my reality. I really have to be my own best friend today. That is the goal!
I can't believe right when we are on the verge of having full, stable lives, H is doing a 180!
I'm right with you there!
I'm glad you had a nice time last night!
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Sometimes that feeling of loneliness really can be over-powering.
Yes it can and learning to enjoy your own company can be one of the most daunting tasks. But you will and then you'll be in a much better position to decide what you want next... We've been there before (prior to our first marriage)and never gave it a thought... right?
Originally Posted By: orchid01
I think it was so nice to see people having full lives....it made me feel my loss even more.....
How many people have come to you and said they were shocked or surprised by your situation? What you are seeing is a perception. I hope they all are living full lives but there is a chance that many of them are headed for trouble. Your "loss" ... "our" loss is making us a better person, taking us out of a situation where we didn't even know we were struggling, and giving us the awareness to make our realtionships better. A loss in the sense that our spouses are not with us right now but a gain in giving us a better chance at a truly happy future perhaps[/quote]
Originally Posted By: orchid01
I really have to be my own best friend today. That is the goal!
I am so glad you have found people you like. It is tough when you are the single on in a pool of people that are married. It is hard to find people that have the same free time as we do. But it comes with time. My biggest sense of loneliness right now is when I have a major success at work and have no one to share it with. so I know what you mean about feeling a loss. But just remember you do have friends, may not be able to sit and have a cup of coffee in person but you do have friends And the others will start to come out of the works. One day you will be surprised that you don't have enough time and look back and think wow, I was all by myself once.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and insight. I did have that same thought yesterday....about having a successful night at a work related event and came home to an empty place and I think it was difficult. I just couldn't get myself really going today. After a long time, I slept in this morning till almost 9am! I have not done that in over 2 months....and then I did a little unpacking and then just lazed around today. Then again around 9pm, I started unpacking the last of my stuff.
It is true that everyone that knows me and H are totally shocked at our situation. I, myself, was shocked....I would never have thought this was an option for us.
I am sure some of what I saw last night was the "picture" that most people work so hard to show.....esp. in public.
This is an opportunity for my R to grow stronger and no matter what, an opportunity to know my own self better. I always used to spend time by myself. I have never been a person to be in the midst of a ton of people....I have just a few friends that I really count on.....and I am lucky to have found so many new ones during this time.
It is hard to be patient some days. I have days where I just want an answer RIGHT NOW! I feel fed up....like, I don't deserve this kind of treatment and I feel outrage right now at being treated this way.
And I don't know what to do with that....there seems to be nothing I can do or tell H and so that just leaves working on me....But, today, I just needed a break. What I thought was - in 2 weeks, my life is about to change as I start a 80 hr. work week. I should just enjoy this time. Who knows when I will ever have this kind of time.
Also, yesterday found out my dad's biopsy came back positive for prostate CA....he has been in remission for 10 years, but its back. And they want to act quickly...by July the docs want him in surgery or radiation.
Life is so short and its humbling when I think about it like that. Its like life hands you all these little stumbling blocks to help you truely understand and be true to yourself....because at the end of the day......as my dad said to me, "You are born the same way you go, on your own. There should be true solace in that - if you live your life being true to your conscious/self."
I have been given a great opportunity to appreciate this concept.
Kenn.....you have such a way of getting me right to where I need to be....thank you...thank you. No words can really express....
Not sure what it was about yesterday but I was down too. And I had been doing so well, I thought. It was weird because I was pretty busy-breakfast out with family to celebrate my Dad's birthday, some shopping with my sister, then in the evening a little meet and greet at an organization where I am going to start volunteering. Met some very cool people, was invited to a happy hour the following week...
So I had all this stuff going on-you'd think I'd feel good. But instead, I felt the loneliness all day long. By evening, I just felt really sad, despite my struggle to regain PMA, and I found myself thinking, Ok, I'm trying. I'm improving myself, my life, for me. But I still miss my H. I'm so mad/sad that he "needs" to tear apart the life that we had together. There was so much good in that life! And it wasn't just me who used to say so!
Anyway, I guess these down days are just part of the whole "gift" of the experience. Sorry, feeling a bit cynical. I know things will get better, regardless of what direction life takes me/us. But I still sometimes feel like whinning, I wanna go home.
Orchid, I'm sorry to hear about your Dad's biopsy results. I'm glad the MD's are planning to act aggressively. I will keep him in my prayers.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
Also, yesterday found out my dad's biopsy came back positive for prostate CA....he has been in remission for 10 years, but its back. And they want to act quickly...by July the docs want him in surgery or radiation.
Life is so short and its humbling when I think about it like that. Its like life hands you all these little stumbling blocks to help you truely understand and be true to yourself....because at the end of the day......as my dad said to me, "You are born the same way you go, on your own. There should be true solace in that - if you live your life being true to your conscious/self."
I have been given a great opportunity to appreciate this concept.
I'm so sorry about your dad's CA coming back. We'll all pray the treatment is effective!
Your father is very wise! Live your life being true to your conscious/self.... words to live by.
Keep your chin up - you are stronger than you know!
Its been another difficult day. I am getting a very late start and I just feel like I am starting a routine of very bad behavior. I went to bed at 1:30am and got up at 7:30am.......dreamt about H.....went back to bed and dozed on and off for the next 4 freaking hours. I cannot do this!!!!!!
I did end up finishing unpacking all my boxes....but, I had all day yesterday and I did not utilize the day. I need to be on a regular sleep-wake cycle.
I think I am afraid to start my life here...it seems like this permanant change without H..... from which I (we) will never return. I can no longer plan my day around him or his activities. That sounds pathetic! But, for some reason, this is difficult to face. I want to regress...I want to give in to my fears.....like H, I want to cop out! YIKES!
Of course, I will not do this....I have done this just for a day...I have caught myself early and I will NOT allow myself to slip.
I will NOT be defined by this one event (of H wanting a D) in my life.
I will continue to be the "Leading Lady" of my life. No Leading Lady would ever behave or think like this! I need to snap myself out of this funk. How will I do this? Let's set some goals for today.
1. I am going to organize my closet.
2. I will do 2 loads of laundry.
3. I will go out and look for a bed today
4. I will store away the extra luggage that I emptied last night.
5. I will spend a couple hours reading my novel.
6. I will throw away all the empty boxes that have accumulated near my front door.
7. I will go work out or do some sort of exercise today.
8. I will drink more water
9. I will paint my nails
10. I will be more conscious of smiling more today
Ok that should definately give me some direction for the day.
I hope your day has improved. Sometimes it is very difficult to spend time with family on your own....For me contact with my family can even put me over the edge. It's difficult to be your own entity with people who you relate to as a couple. I figure time and time and time.......will help make things better.
Keep up your PMA and try to perservere even thru the loneliness. I am so there with you these days. You are totally not alone!
Thanks for the good wishes for my dad. I think I am worried bc normally, docs don't really want to move this fast...its concerning to me. Thank you for keeping him in your prayers.
And the others will start to come out of the works. One day you will be surprised that you don't have enough time and look back and think wow, I was all by myself once.