I used to post here under a different name but for personal suspected snooping reasons, I stopped posting and have just been lurking and learning and growing. Yes I have H at home in MLC. I believe this has been going on since early 2006, with a bomb drop in 2007, different crisis which sort of put the MLC on hold for a while, then bomb in 2008 with H moving into the other bedroom in September, which is where he still resides.
I read your thread over on Newcomers and yes I agree, this is a lonely place to be. Let me start by saying this, he is not there simply for financial reasons. Believe me, when they want out, they want out and nothing stops that. Although I do believe that they convince themselves that there are reasons/responsibilities that keep them from doing what they think they want, ie leaving.
I will tell you this is the hardest thing I have ever lived through and this is my second time around with it. H went through a partial QLC/MLC about ten years ago, and I lived through 2 years of hell then. He never finished and I don't believe that I learned the lessons I was supposed to learn so here we are again. This time, it has been much worse, as Snodderly so wisely reminds all of us. They need to finish this and if they don't, well.....Anyway, having H at home. Most days we pass in the night with little conversation. For a while he would blast me for not keeping him up to date on things with the house, son, etc because I was handling things myself because he didn't want me talking to him. So I started informing him of everything. Then I was talking to him too much. So I stopped. But I also stopped caring what his reaction is. Now, if I speak to him, which is almost always by his initiation, I may or may not mention to him what is going on. The electric bill was 400 this month, S got a job. When he comes home from work and asks where S is, I just chuckle to myself anymore because with the exception of going to church, s schedule has remained exactly the same for the last 7 years. So to ask where he is is really stupid.
Detatch. It is the only way. There are days you will feel like you don't like him let alone love him anymore and there are days you will wonder if you have lost your mind. Yes, it would be much easier in many ways to have them gone. Then the healing of the ending of the M could begin. In our situations, it starts and stops. There is no real healing in that regard for us. More like acceptance of a different way of life for now. However, you must remember that you choose to stay right now. And you always have the option to leave. That also makes it easier.
Yes they do notice what we are doing although they tend to keep it very quiet. At times I have wondered if H actually pays more attention to me now than when we were happy. When the replay behavior is bad, I don't think they notice as much, but then one day they look at you and realize you lost 30 pounds, but that didn't happen overnight. H has noticed when I sleep well and when I don't. He also has suddenly begun to recognize how much I do around here, for him, S, with my work. That is nothing new either, but I used to be lazy, so who knows...
The spending, well that is definately a "void filler". I have seen that with MIL. She is a depressed alcoholic who pays her bills, and then will spend every penny on junk, for herself and others, then cry poor and no money for gas to get to work until her next check to just turn around and repeat. My H has always been a bit of a spender. He learned that buying things is a way to show love, even if it is a pair of socks. But it got worse. Let's see, a new truck, plasma tv, two laptops, a gaming computer, 2 LCD tv's, really loud exhaust for the new truck. I can't complain too much as he works for the money for it and I too have benefited from his shopping sprees.
So I guess my best advice for you right now is to live your life. As if he was not there. Yes I too have house projects I was waiting to get finished. I've just started finishing them myself. He will like it or not. But I hate the way my laundry room looks. Take care of your kids. Know this will get harder before it gets easier. You will have good and bad days. And I will suggest to really enjoy the good ones, the ones that are good for you regardless of him because if he is still there as he starts to come out of it, unfortunately it gets harder.
I thought that would be the easiest part. I have begun to see the signs of a shift out of the replay/depression/withdrawl stages, although we have also done this twice before with him bouncing right back twice, to now mostly simply depression. I just sit here and watch for the most part and participate when I am approached. That is how I have survived so far.
Good luck.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
