Well I was just about report, lessons keep on coming. This a.m. H had reflected long enough yesterday to realize that he "went off" emotionally and became irrational. First thing he sighted was, he knew he was off when he realized he was ranting about the kids interfering with our plans and remembered that they weren't there, won't be around in the future and they don't interfere with our plans - his drinking interfered with our plans. Then he recognized that he was arguing with me over nothing, got angered over nothing and all his thinking and behavior went against everything he is learning at church and in AA. He even recognized the source which I had been pointing out to him all week - stress! He has been running full speed at work, running to meetings and then running over my house and not getting much done at his apt nor getting the down time he is used to having to reflect on his life. He saw the lack of balance.Finally! He actually recalled me complaining to him about his lack of balance ever since we met! He sees it now.
He also saw how when out of balance he loses control over his emotions and life which usually results in a lot of his negative behavior and withdraws from me and everything else in his life. Great insight.
I was glad to learn also that while he was angered this weekend, he did seek out sponsors and meetings to keep himself on target. It did him well.
I think we will be going ahead with plans for Oct but he will have to maintain all current involvements and contacts and support. The house will all ours giving us more room to spread out and have alone time.
Turns out IC felt better about the move when he learned that the kids will be away. IC also knows me already so I think that is a plus if he isn't putting us off. He also knows I want to join C when appropriate.
Seems sponsors encourage the one year rule but admit it is a guideline - their main concern is whether or not I add to his problems, or will be encouraging. Well, I am the one who insisted he follow their lead, talk to them about what he plans and keep up with meetings and calling sponsor. I don't mind planning around attendance at meetings. H also got the paperwork to start the step work with one sponsor.
BTW, how did the filing for D change your R? For the good or worse? I am recognizing that my H is committed to me and his sobriety. I also see that it is a process and not something instant. I remember now hearing stories from recovery people about the head clearing thing at four months, six months and I year. Biologically I recall reading that it takes 18 months for the body to return to normal - so even a year is short.
As long as he remains committed to sobriety, I will learn to let go more. I think I am still reactive and sensitive to stuff but not as much as before. It is encouraging knowing that he is learning and using supports and not leaning on me. He is also seeing that as strong as I am - I need help sometimes too. He couldn't see that before.
The filing helped me which in turn helped my r but that's me.
Your H is doing the same things I did, remember part of being an A is instant gratification so it's hard when we don't get that. Like I was he understands but it takes some thought afterwards. If you can deal with that I promise it will get better but I know it's hard now.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
One other thing...I really wish I would have "known" you a year ago. It really gives me a good perspective on what my W went through and I realize why she made the decisions she did...thank you
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I get the part about instant gratification, I usually hold off on using it to motivate him to give him the opportunity to learn on his own first. What I learned early last year was that when I put my foot down, he could whine, threaten, complain, rationalize etc but if Ididn't budge, he would back down. If I gave an inch, he took a mile, that was harder to learn how to deal with. The latter is what I am confronted with now -
I certainly need to be reminded of what works and what doesn't work because as much as I know about this disease, living through it is not the same.
Well I would like add that I believe that there is a timing to everything - we always have choices to make, some choices open up more choices and some take a few away. What is important is to focus on the choices we have in the present - not the ones we no longer have available to us. Fact is, there are usually far more choices in the present than we imagine. IMHO, it is how we face the journey we are on in life and not the choices that really matter. Choices can be right or wrong given any circumstances, but the kind of person we are and the things we say and do set things in motion. So, if you want to change the direction of a motion what do you do? Think about it.
By the way, a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to talk to you. I had so much hurt and sadness and resentment in me that I was no good to anybody.
When I first went to Alanon, I was surprised that there were AA members present, not due to a family member's drinking, but to see what it is like on the other side.
I imagine its so hard to change old behaviors like that. Especially with a substance addiction. It has been such an emotional crutch for them that like a drug/alcohol counselor told me once when I was frustrated that exh didn't want to stop: The mere thought of your exh quitting his addiction for him is like standing in the woods naked. How scary, uncomfortable, and vunerable that makes him." Its terrifying to them at first.
Your H is learning. You keep taking care of you.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Kass... you around? I bet its your daughters graduation and you are so busy. Hope you are having fun!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I am around, trying to transition to piecing post to get support because I am feeling scared lately - everything is ok - it is just the thoughts about the past behavior that is haunting me.
Seems hard to engage people lately, not sure what to do, any suggestions? Is it my sitch that scares people off? I get the feeling sometimes that some people don't support my M just like in real life. A few of you hung in there with me and saved my life. Most people's response when I started was negative.
Had a long talk with S last night alone, was a good one. In reference to my M, he said he can see why people might think it is not a good idea to reconcile, but on the other hand, he wonders what do we learn if we always run away from R and the imperfections of others? He is more in favor of forgiveness and understanding and trying to build something better. Couldn't argue that one. Made me proud.
I was one of the negative ones in the beginning. Only because back then your H was just starting his program, but was not being very nice in his demands regarding you and your kids. There was alot of negative going on at that time and not much positive. Now, things have come a long way. Your H has more time of sobriety under his belt and genuinely seems to want to work on the M. Yes, there are trips along the way but overall you are making forward progress! YEAH!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Thanks for what you said. I wasn't thinking of you or the others that posted regularly, just the ones at the very beginning. Anyway, I have just been having some new thoughts and insights that are causing me to think about myself differently.
