I am not sure what to say or even how to start. My wife and I met in High School. We were that couple that did everything together, school, work, friends, etc… Three years into our relationship I proposed to my wife and two years after that we got married. As soon as we got married we started our family. We are both 27 and have been together for 11 years (married for 6) with three beautiful girls.
Here is where I am at right now. My wife has had some issues with talking to other guys online. This happened once a few weeks after we got married, but was short lived as she left the computer on one day and it was discovered. Then about a year and a half ago another online relationship was discovered. It lasted for a total of 6 months (on and off). This was discovered when she fell asleep with her phone in her hand and was online emailing him. That two eventually ended. Over the past few months she actually met someone (she says unintentional) after going out to Karaoke with some girl friends from work. This one got a little more serious because he was a physical person. There was even one time where she said she was staying the night at a friend’s house and stayed the night with him. Now supposedly they didn’t do “anything”, but obviously I have my doubts. The only thing that can make me believe that she didn’t do anything would be that she is not that kind of person (when it comes to “sleeping with someone”).
Now that you have heard the bad, let me tell you what lead up to this point and what made her go there. What got her to that point was my lack of trust on my part. My wife is a beautiful woman and I have always thought someone would come and weep her of her feet and take her away from me. That is the last thing I ever wanted, but at times was really scared that it would happen. She worked in a big corporate office and I (most of the time) worked from home and felt underappreciated. Well because of this, instead of acting like she was a goddess and treating her that way, I unintentionally made her feel bad about herself. I say unintentionally because I didn’t want her to feel bad, but I guess at the time didn’t know how to be a good husband. I made her feel like she was “less than” (which today I regret and can see my wrong doings).
There was a time in our relationship where we both were not happy (and it was obvious). Well, I didn’t like that and thought it was her fault and I was so scared again of losing her. So scared in fact I asked her for a divorce in hopes it would make her run back to me and apologize and make thing better. Well, it didn’t really work that way. We didn’t get a divorce (because I didn’t really mean it), but things didn’t really change.
Long story short I was an ass. I can see that today and have and are working on making a complete change in my character. This change is for me. It’s so I can be a better husband and father to my three little girls.
Well, about 6 months ago my wife actually asked for a divorce. She, unlike me (over two years ago) meant it. I honestly was scared because divorce is not something I ever want especially with a family. She said she was not happy and didn’t want this anymore. She said she didn’t love me and was not in love with me. The part that caught me off guard was we had just moved and were starting to work on things. I thought our marriage was getting better. I thought we were getting better. Needless to say I didn’t know what to do. I asked her to stay and for the most part she did. She did have a lot more nights out with her friends and said she needed to clear her head so she could come back and cope with things, but she did stay.
There was one point where she even agreed to work on things again. During that time is when she met that guy she started seeing (during work lunches and once at night). I found out she was talking to this guy because I checked the phone bill (to see if I could upgrade my phone). Again, I thought we were working on thing, so I didn’t have a reason to suspect anything. When I saw she was talking to this guy, I was devastated. I was working so hard to change me and correct the things I was doing and I felt like she kicked me in the face. She then once again told me she wanted a divorce and didn’t want anything to do with me. My life once again took a complete 360 from one day to the next.
Since then some things have happened in our life (living situation) and decided to move once again (out of county). We both decided that we would move, start over, but with the understanding that this relationship is not what she really wants, but is here and hopes she can feel/find something in me/our relationship again. This is her giving me a change to change. Well, I can say I have changed 100%, but because of some many years of hurt, there are still some things that remind her of the past. This also goes both ways as I have trust issues with her phone at times and don’t think she is doing anything, but I get that feeling from when she did do something. Those feelings are hard to get over. I hope there is a way to deal with them.
I want to start over and she is willing to give me the chance, but I don’t know for how long. This is still not what she really wants. I would love and do anything to keep our family together and have her fall back in love with me again. I love my wife to death and she knows this. Please help me! I don’t want to lose the love of my life and the mother to my children. I know she still feels a little something for me, I think. She is still here right. Maybe she is only here for the kids. Either way, I have her now and want to make the best of it. I know I sound like a jerk, but I am really not. I didn’t want to say the bad things my wife did without saying how and why she got to that point. I (me), the new me does not point blame, but wants to figure out the solution.
I have read on the sight many things that helped me (stories, quotes, etc…). I purchased the book, but since the move, have not had time to read it yet. How do I deal with this, knowing that she doesn’t really want to be here, but is trying to give it a chance? We have not been intimate in over two months and that kills me. If I have to wait, I will. I just really want her back and don’t want a divorce. That doesn’t seem like an option to me.
It’s funny. My wife turned me on to this website. It helped her when she was going through some of our issues in the past. This site is probably the only thing that got us this far, but now the shoe is on the other foot and I need its help. How do I deal with a wife that doesn’t want a marriage, but is willing to stay for the time being to see if she can feel the change and possibly get the feelings she needs back?
