Sandi, I hope you weathered the storm. I will try and answer some of your questions the best I can.
The way I see this thing is that the core of "your" problem is based on your low self-esteem
Yes my low self-esteem is a huge problem! Right now, to be honest, my thinking is...I will never find anyone else that will want me. I was so blessed to find my xh and have 20 years with him. He was a good father and husband for many years until about a year ago. That's when we started fighting for no reason, I could not do ANYTHING to make him happy it seemed. Every time we would argue during this year he would want a divorce. When he dropped the bomb, I had questioned him about a phone call he wouldnt take in front of me, this was the first 25 year old (that I know of) that he cheated on me with. He told me from there that he did not love me like a h should love a w and he wanted to sep and possible divorce. He cried and said he was very unhappy but couldnt tell me why, he said he wanted different companionship. Later he told me he wanted to "play" and that was what he was gonna do. I asked him once why the young girls and not someone his age. He said "older women were wise to the game". YES he actually said this. I was just amazed at some of the things that came out of his mouth. I also asked him about some of the things he was saying to these young girls and he said "you gotta keepem happy". I NEVER knew he could ever say these things. I was married to him almost 20 years and NEVER EVER knew this about him. I felt sooooo stupid and blind.
BTW, is that this past two months or was it another time?
Yes the no contact is recently. Actually the last 2 months or so we have had no contact, then I called him at work, about 2 weeks ago, about our home and we talked about 2 min or so, he was pretty nice but in a hurry to get off phone, acted like he was VERY uncomfortable. About 2 weeks after that I tried to call him about son and something else, I dont even remember, and he answered, heard my voice and hung up on me. I guess 2 months wasnt enough, uh?
I believe what happened goes far beyound cake eating, sweetie. I do believe that you were scared to death and was so "forceful" b/c your desparation to stop another man (in your life) from leaving.
Yes, I was most certainly SCARED TO DEATH of losing him, I was grasping at anything to keep him. I think I thought using the sex thing could keep him because this is the one area he said was "great" in our marriage. He said this all during the sep and divorce.
Were you abused by a man when you were young and defenseless? Do you ever remember being a happy little girl?
Yes I was emotionally abused and some physically BUT not by a man, by my mother. My father left home because he couldnt live with her any longer. He left me to deal with the mess. (RIP mom). By the way my xh left me 3 weeks after my mother died. I was dealing with many things other than her dealth but had to put them all aside to deal with my divorce. I cant even tell you how I kept it together. Some people here think that I am not making any progress...if they only knew what I have had to endure. AND I am not having a pity party, just trying to make you understand. THIS is a whole nother story that I will have to tell you.
Did you have bad experiences when you started dating? By that I mean, did you feel that the boys were the ones that broke up with you leaving you feeling rejected and unable to keep a boyfriend? Have to ask lots of questions to find out more.
Yes I did! I hung with the popular girls and guys through high school. The one thing that sticks in my mind, is it always seemed I never could live up to their standards, I felt like they always got the best guys, so forth. I did have one true love in high school and we dated forver, he joined the army and left me also. We never got back together after that. Believe it or not, he has contacted me since my divorce and begged me several times to meet him. He is married but seperated. It would be so easy to fall in his arms so I refused. He says he will always love me and so forth, but I cant even imagine letting another man touch me right now. I would love to have dinner but that is as far as it is gonna go for now. I also was engaged to another man later on, whom broke up with me after 2 years or so. Then I met my h and he told me the first night he met me that he was gonna marry me. AND he did. I dont think I have ever ended a long term relationship. I hope this answered your question.
BTW, I saw you mentioned a son, how many children do you have? How do you see yourself as a mother? Do the children get their traits of self worth from you or their father?
I have one son and a nephew that I recently got custody of. I think I am a very good mother, but I let my son get away with way too much. My son is JUST LIKE his father. He also have said things to me that I know he heard his father say. My son does not respect me and he run over me. I have been told this by all my friends. I feel I let him by with this because I have lost so much, I dont want to lose him too. I know I shouldnt let him talk to me the way he does. He tries to be the man of the house, he is 19 (just turned 19), and he thinks he is the boss. My xh does not stand behind me with him, in fact, my xh has said that is one of the reasons he left. He was tired of arguing with son. I have sent my son to stay with his dad, and after one day he came back telling me how sorry he was for treating me the way he did. BUT he has started doing the same things all over again. My son is a good kid (man now). He doesnt cuss me or anything, but he does raise his voice and sometimes I could swear he was his dad talking. He doesnt do anything but stay at home playing games on the computer. This was his last year in high school and I want him to go to college or at least get a job to let me with the bills. I honestly dont think his dad would keep him a week. I love my son with all my heart and it is sooo hard sometimes to take what he dishes out. I have to put my foot down...this is a work in progress.
You do know that your H is a very selfish man, don't you? Can you "now" look back and see him as a bully when you were living with him? How can he say that you always had to have things your way? I find that very hard to believe when it seems obvious as to who ruled the roost. Did you feel more confident when you were seen as his wife......and do feel like you have lost "something" of your self value after he left you?
Yes I think he is selfish for what he has chosen to do. My xh had it good for the most part. He went out fishing with his buddies and on vacations with them whenever he wanted. I never told him NO he couldnt do something. I would tell him I was not his mother I was his wife and I would not tell him what to do. My xh wasnt a bully the whole time. He was a good man. When I started to work, he always helped out with the housework and cooking and so forth. The only time he was a bully was when he didnt get enough sleep or when I wanted to talk and he didnt. When he was finished talking that was it the converstaion was over. He like to be in control and said I tried to control him. Whatever. I did have alot of issues with anxiety and panic attacks and I will have to say it propbaly put alot on him. BUT after awhile when he understood that most people go through this he got better about it. My Dr. put me on medicine and things improved. This was years ago and he never mentioned this when he left, so I dont think this was one of the reasons why, but I could be wrong. The funny thing is my xh said I wanted to control him, and even though I dont think I did, he now lives with a girl that does control him. My son says the gf is the boss big time. My xh even told me whatever she wants is what she is gonna get. If he complained about me trying to control him, why does he let her? I dont understand. I do feel like I have lost part of myself after he left me. I dont feel like I have lost a "king" so to speak. But I do feel empty, lonely. As far as my self-worth, I still think I am worth something, but then again I think, if he didnt want me and I couldnt make him happy then who will want me? I do feel that my life with him was great up until a couple years ago. We always had fun together and got along. I and he were always getting what he wanted, my xh worked 2 jobs for the most part, (and he also let me know this when he left). I dont think I will ever find someone that I can love as much as I did him though. The bullying and soforth didnt start until about 2 years ago. Up until then we had the perfect life and marriage as far as love and friendship goes. I dont want you to think my xh was always this way, because he wasnt. I dont know what happend to him.
BTW, you have read the DR book, right? No I havent, I cant really afford to buy it and I am divorced and I didnt know if I still needed to read it anyway.
Looking forward to what you have to say. And YES I will be your adopted daughter.
