WAW/Affair Exposed - Advice? #3

[DCBHM]

So, was your first wife wayward too?

She cheated, we reconciled, I walked through D, then she got involved with a married OM, then she walked, possible BPD as well... although she was more into raging, beating her head into walls, and screaming at me than she was into cutting herself.

I actually found something that she wrote:

I know I have a problem. I think it is depression. But I put on a happy face and no one, not even those I talk to here, have a clue. The only person who does is H. He used to be my stronghold, the one who went out of his way to help me. He tried his best to be there and I saw and still see his help as a quick fix for all my issues. When we were happy together with S8 and S7, nothing else mattered except for the fact that I took everything out on him.

He got fed up with me, said he didn’t want to be together anymore, divorced me etc. For days it took all the energy I could muster to get out of bed and go to the bathroom. And after that I was in denial of everything, H was there yet again, felt sorry for me, came to my bed and just held me, told me he’d always be there for me that anytime I needed a friend he was there, that he still loved me, he was just too stressed and needed a break, just some time to be on his own. It’s like I know in my head that he doesn't want to be there but I make myself believe that in order to get through the day. And I totally flip out if he wants to do something without me. I think what if he does go out and he meets a girl, it doesn’t matter how he feels about me, he'll feel stronger about someone else and he'll never want to be with me again. I yell and scream at him and it just pushes him away even further. I think I still want to be with him... But how do I know????

It pisses me off because it’s all inside and he knows me better than anyone and he is the only person I trust with something like this but I can’t talk to him because he wants to separate himself from me. He is tired of always being my savior. But I can’t talk to anyone else because most of what everyone else knows is a lie.

That's me... Mr. "Savior" co-dependent.

I think I'm getting past that though... at least my IC told me she thought I was today.