I don`t think I hurt dbing efforts. In fact H did say I cared for the kids more than him and that is-and always has been so true.
I really do feel it would be worth our while exploring this and other issues in MC but as he doesnt want MC that`s a non runner at the moment.
I do feel now that he`s trapped again.Though I would accept his decision to separate without us both having IC and MC first, I don`t agree that its the best thing to separate without MC. He wants to present separation without MC as a mutually agreed decision. I told him there is always one person who prefers separation more than the other and that he is that person in our relationship.
Yes, I know family will go back to him with everything. I know having MIL involved is no help. It wasn`t my choice to tell her and I knew once she knew she would move heaven and earth to get us back together. His family though are the only hope for him getting the help and support he needs to get him through this funk. his brother in particular has had a lot of therapy and come through so much in terms of resolving issues from their childhood(father is an alcoholic, violent relationship with mother).
I`m afraid of H being as angry in separation as he is in marriage. My one aim for us now is to get us both to a calmer place.
Don`t quite know how that`s going to happen though!
Meanwhile I`m working on my GAL goals and off to post up some now.
Hi Fallgirl, I talked with you a few weeks ago on another thread. You and I are in the exact same situation right now. My H is talking about leaving, maybe this weeekend. My problem is I have been screwing up telling him why that's the wrong decision, hence being the controlling person he's come to dislike. I talked with my therapist last PM and now know if he brings it up again to say "ok". I just know that if he leaves it will be harder to work on the relationship. But I also know that if he doesn't want to be here then I should just let him go.
Me 39 H 42 M 11, T 12 S 10,6 D 3 EA 2007 separated in same home since 3/10/09
Just had a quick re read of some of your posts to refresh me on your sitch and that, combined with your post here today leads me to believe that we are in so precisely the same situation that maybe if we swapped places our spouses wouldn`t notice!
Funny you should mention letting go. I`m getting the same message from my therapist. Also getting to explore more deeply my role in all of this-the split in my personality, my anxiety, my ambiguous behaviour towards my H, my nees to control. Oh and my fear of letting go.
Also found a book today by Melanie Beattie called Letting Go.
Will let you know how I get on with the book. And how I get on with letting go!
Let me know how the book is. Has your husband made a decision whether or not to S yet? My husband is "deciding" this weekend. It is so hard to live under the threats. I'm supposed to be cheerful, perfect- all the while he's a jerk and threatening me!
It doesn't help matters that 2 of my children have been really acting out. My S 10 seems depressed about school, friends, sports and is crying a lot. My H doesn't consider the impact his leaving would have on our son. It's just all his selfishness, makes me want to scream!!
Hang in there, I certainly am trying!!
Me 39 H 42 M 11, T 12 S 10,6 D 3 EA 2007 separated in same home since 3/10/09
Fallgirl, my WAW has the same misperception about the impact on the kids. Seems to be pretty consistent with WAS's. I think they try to convince themselves of that to save themselves from the guilt while some are just too selfish even to think about it. Very frustrating.
2il,and GIMA I understand your concern for the kids. I really am thinking of everything in terms of its impact on the kids. And that includes their living in an unhealthy situation where two people are smouldering with anger towards each other.
Imagine growing up without any memory of your Mum or Dad being affectionate towards each other? Or speaking very little to each other? Or showing no interest at all in each other?
I think I`m at the point of seeing separation as a better place for them. Just so long as it can be fairly amicable.
And hopefully, when he has them all to himself during visitation he might become more actively involved in their lives.
Plus maybe letting our WAS go will make them realise we`re not going to put up with their nonsense. We value ourselves more than that. It`ll give each of us space to work on our issues and to GAL.
I found Melanie Beatties books-Beyond Co Dependency and Co Dependent no more really useful. Her Letting GO book seems to be more of a daily reflection on the ideas in the previous two book. Useful, as I keep needing to go over those lessons again and again but I would be inclined to buy Beyond Co Dependency first. It really helped me realise that you don`t have to be married to an alcoholic to have an unhealthy relationship and that I have a part to play in our Crazy Dance.
always had difficulty deciding anything so he`s stuck at the moment.
I think for all of us, no matter what the outcome there is a wonderful life rich in possibilities ahead. I think we all need a good therapist to help us look at the reasons we`ve ended up in an unhealthy relationship so we can learn from those mistakes.We`re in recovery.We`ve got to mind us. Plan yourself lots of fun things for this week end 2iL. seems like H is using the threat of S to control you.
Be ready to thank him for making a decision and acknowledge that you know that is difficult for him and keep reminding him about putting the kids first in all of this.
FG, I am new here, so I am hesitatnt to offer much advice. I will say (and I have not read your thread), that unless there is hostility shown to the kids, it may be better to stay in the same house. Again, do not know your sitch, and there may be a alid reason for not staying in the same house. I know (personally from what I am doing) it will be harder on you to stay in the same house, but right now, it isn't about you or your feelings, no matter how justifiable they are. Don't say that to be mean, just saying what I think DB'ing would say, being someone in that sitch right now.
I will also tell you I grea up in a household where there was constant argument by my parents - I cannot remember many nights I did not go to sleep to the sound of them arguing loudly at each other. They eventually divorced, and it was way too long befoer they did. I think that had an impact on me and probably the way I have behaved in some respects in my M. I am delaing with, and changing, those behaviors.
Only you know if it is time for S. Jut tread cautiously.
I was really worried about telling the kids, and they were certainly a reason we stayed together so long. The older two were not at all surprised, and their behavior hasn't really changed. I think in their minds we were already separated. The younger two seem to me to be doing better now than before. I think there is less stress for them. It is hard to say how things will go in the long run, but I have been pleasantly surprised to this point.
Thanks for those useful perspectives Jeff and GIMA.
H slept in this morning. Most unlike him ansd I know he`s has sleeping tablets so I was afraid he might have taken too many so I went in to check on him. He was scarily still and I stood there for a minute hoping to see him breathe when suddenly he woke up. itold him I was worried about him and told him to consider taking himself off for a couple of weeks anywhere just to get a break.I said this wasn`t about us getting back together. Just to think about it.(In fact I hope the break will help clarify his mind one way or the other and we both need a break from each other anyhow at this point)
He didn`t say much. Wasn`t his angry self either. And hasn`t said much since either beyond showing me(at my request) how to use the lawn mower(I`ve gotta tackle the Man jobs here!).
It wasn`t a dbing effort on my part. I really don`t want him taking an overdose for the kids` sakes either!
He`s not involved with the kids much.(ten minutes football perhaps a day a couple of words that`s it)but we`re not constantly arguing either. Just the silence and lack of communication between us could be damaging for them perhaps?
Either way, when/if we split up they won`t notice much difference I think. Except that I`ll be more relaxed!
