Different Places - Different Spaces

[Uncool Cat]

It's been about a week and a half since my last post, and things are unchanged. That's OK though. Like I said in my last post, she has been much nicer lately. I haven't had any major breakthroughs, but she hasn't discussed anything legal with me in over three weeks. We are getting along.

I'm trying not to read anything into anything. I'm really just trying to take it all at face value. I'm going on a vacation with my boys to Florida starting tomorrow through Sunday. We should have a great time. I wish she were coming with us, but there's nothing I can do about that, so I'm just going, and I'm going to go and have a good time.

If anyone has any ideas on how to push this in an even more positive direction, or at least continue on the same course, please let me know. I'll look forward to hearing from you guys.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Hi there UnCool. First off, congrats to you on going on the vacation regardless and planning on having a good time. I've just had to do this myself, so I know how hard it can be to stay strong when all you want is your spouse to be with you.

Glad to hear that you two are maintaining the status quo. While it's not significant growth, more importantly it is not regressing, and that means you are holding your own and not losing your cool. This is so hard to do, that I as a newbie am totally impressed to hear that you are maintaining. Kind of like weight loss, I think maintenance is actually far harder, and far more important than the actual losing of the weight, because if you can't make the changes permanant, you are just fooling yourself and your body - right? So I instead of seeing this merely as the "status quo" I would say that you are rebuilding her trust in you ever so slowly by showing you are a man of your word, continuing to do what have been doing and she is continuing to take it all in. I don't know your story at all yet, but I can't think of a rlsp I've seen here yet that couldn't benefit by showing this sort of consistency!

Thanks for showing me that it can be done, and that there are strong people out there who continue to work hard at this even though they aren't seeing an immediate payoff. This is hard work, and the longer I'm doing it and trying to keep my cool, the more I appreciate it.

[The Wifey]

The very decision to DB is difficult enough, consistency takes a while to master. And you are doing the right thing with the vacation. My S and I went to Florida at the end of February. It was a bonding time and very good for both of us.

[Uncool Cat]

Well, I thought things were moving in a little more positive direction. That's what I get for thinking. I'm obviously not used to it.

I went on the vacation with my boys. We had a great time. W called a couple of times to talk to the boys. The boys also asked why she wasn't there. I wanted to say because she doesn't want to be with us, but that's not what I said. I just told them she couldn't come.

I dropped them off Sunday evening. Then I picked them up yesterday (Wednesday) for my regular visit. She brought up the divorce papers. She said there were probably some things that I would like and some things I wouldn't like. This really dissappointed me because I had liked the 4 weeks we had spent not speaking about the divorce and papers.

I'll admit it. I lost my cool. I didn't DB like I was supposed to. Without going into all the detail let's just say I told her I didn't understand why she wanted this; then she proceded to tell me how selfish I had been throughout our marriage and how I acted like a five-year-old etc. etc. etc.

She's not in any different place than she was when all this started. After the thrashing I took, I really don't know how interested I am in saving this anymore. I just can't do it.

I believe love is a choice. If love weren't a choice, then why would anyone love God. A person chooses to love God. They don't naturally fall in love with God.

All that being said, I want to choose not to love her anymore. She's obviously chosen not to love me. If I can stop loving her, I'll stop hurting.

I'm sorry that this is not encouraging DB stuff, but I'm at the end. I'm lonely, depressed, and without the energy to fight anymore.

If anyone is out there, I'll listen...

[Coach]

Uncool Cat, What is it you really want?
Coach

[Uncool Cat]

I want to re-unite my family. I want my W back. I understand that it takes patience, faith, courage etc. It takes following the DB steps, and I'm trying, but I'm very discouraged right now.

I felt like things were slowly moving in the right direction, but they weren't. It was an illusion I created. We were getting along better. She admitted that, but she's not slowing down the divorce or having anything that resembles a second thought.

[fisherman]

The boys also asked why she wasn't there. I wanted to say because she doesn't want to be with us, but that's not what I said. I just told them she couldn't come.

Good man for holding it back. She is and always will be a part of them. That would have be hurtful to THEM.

I'll admit it. I lost my cool. I didn't DB like I was supposed to. Without going into all the detail let's just say I told her I didn't understand why she wanted this; then she proceded to tell me how selfish I had been throughout our marriage and how I acted like a five-year-old etc. etc. etc.

Pick yourself up and keep on pressing forward one day at a time. Now you know how to get her to act like a five year old throwing a tantrum, just lose your cool. Do more of what works. Yes, that is the most painful and difficult way to go, but the rewards are far greater for YOU.

She's not in any different place than she was when all this started. After the thrashing I took, I really don't know how interested I am in saving this anymore. I just can't do it.

One of the golden rules around here is to wait (days) give yourself time to really think about it.

If I can stop loving her, I'll stop hurting.

It doesn't work that way my man. Your gonna hurt until you heal and IMO, healing comes from letting go, working on you, accepting that somethings are out of our control, and forgiving, that very last one you do for you.

[brknhrt]

The more you chase her the more you will her and the angrier she will become. You need to pull back and focus on yourself! I know its hard but in the long run you will truly find the answer to your nagging questions. Its ok to love from a distance! She knows you love her or why else would you try to fight for her. I once read "if a girl wants space" then give her outerspace. I tried this and it worked!

[fisherman]

I want to re-unite my family. I want my W back. I understand that it takes patience, faith, courage etc. It takes following the DB steps, and I'm trying, but I'm very discouraged right now.

I felt like things were slowly moving in the right direction, but they weren't. It was an illusion I created. We were getting along better. She admitted that, but she's not slowing down the divorce or having anything that resembles a second thought.

We all get this way from time to time.

It's was an expectation, good ones and bad ones will bring you down.

She may not be showing any remose in front of you, but it's there.

What do people do when they feel guilty?

They Lash out or thrash you as you put it in your previous post. They come up with things big or small to justify to themselves that what they are doing is OK.

Hang in there it's far from over.

[Coach]

I want to re-unite my family. I want my W back.

Those are both honorable goals. Are you willing to do what ever it takes with the understanding that you might not reach your goals? Both of those goals require you to do the work.
Start with the end in mind then come up with steps to get you there.
The illusion was based on expectations you had. The Stockdale Paradox helped me deal with this. You only control you thoughts, feelings and acions. You can handle it.
Cheers