No R talk ? Actually R talk is not bad, it is R talk that is started by you that is bad, if HE WANTS to talk about it, then you should listen and validate.
He doesn't talk about it. Only in MC.
Then follow the lead. HE is lashing out at the MC because he feels he HAS to. Actually, it has become a stage for him to express his anger. No R talk started by you is for a reason.
Originally Posted By: Hopeful in VA
How appealing is that option for him ? Could you live with someone like you have admitted being ?
I would think not the way I WAS acting, but now I am making changes. I guess the only option is for him to see the changes consistently for a longer period of time.
This takes time and consistancy in your ACTIONS.....not words. You are NEVER going to talk your way out of something you acted your way in to. I suppose you are the kind of person that throws a seed on the ground and impatiently waits for it to grow ? It takes time for those to become real for you, and even longer for him.
Originally Posted By: Hopeful in VA
I was just happy that I achieved my goal...this does relate to THE VERY FIRST THING he said in MC back in Feb - H thinks I ALWAYS have to get my way.
YOU feel that way.......Does he ?
I'm sure he doesn't - once again don't know what he thinks, but he probably thinks I'm just making changes to try to get my way. He said in MC that I "played the part".
If you aren't playing......It will show in time..As long as YOU are real
Originally Posted By: Hopeful in VA
Those two are VERY confusing to me....Because those two descriptions are very hard to confuse. Which one ARE you and which one do you WANT to be ?
I know it seems confusing, but I believe I am/was both. I think I could be seen as inflexible, opinionated, selfish part , selfish in the sense that I made assumptions bc H didn't assert himself so I thought I was doing the best things for "us". Inflexible & opinionated in the sense that I can be aggressive & strong willed when it comes to something I believe in. But I am also a very tender person, a very loyal person - I am described as doing anything for my friends, always being there, etc.
Still not answering me....WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT TO BE ???
Hi Hopeful What part of VA do you live? I'm from right outside DC. But anyways.
It almost seems like you and H are trying to "win" in MC. Just because your H wants to divorce doesn't mean he's wrong.....It's taken me a very long time to realize that about my H. And since then I've been able to let go of being angry at him for wanting this and that's gone a long way for us.
But I for sure believe that because my H wants a divorce he is broken hearted....I'm not the only one suffering.
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? My girlfriend asks me that all the time and it's a pretty good question. I want to be happy. I used to love to be right.
Have you ever asked him, "What is great marriage to you? What would that be? Describe it to me."?
Have you asked yourself that?
And really, you can see yourself as anyway you want. That's your perspective.
But perception is 99% accurate....or so they say. And if your H sees you in a completely differently light, you better believe him. Assume he's not saying it to be mean, maybe he really feels/and sees you this way. And then work from there. If you think the changes he needs from you are ridiculous then you are at an impass. But if he wants some changes that you think would be doable and maybe even beneficial, then go for it. Once you change, he'll change too.
For me it was so hard to make changes and then not get the reaction or response from my H that I thought I DESERVED for my hard work. And then it would cause a fight because he was not doing what I wanted him to do. Try to avoid that if you can, a true waste of my time.
And what are you doing for you? When do you get out of the house and away for just Hopeful time to do what you want?
I have to disagree with you. I don't want to win. I want to make my changes & hopefully be able to rebuild a new R with the father of my children. I don't believe I am trying to win in MC. I am just trying to work on myself & answer questions that MC asks. If I wanted to be right, I would say to heck with you, I'm fine the way I am, lots of other people like me, you obviously don't love me unconditionally, SEE YA.
I think I have finally become able to detach. I have finally become able to make my changes for ME. I have stopped living in fear. I don't worry about getting a divorce anymore. If H is going to do it, I can't stop him. Of course you always hang onto your hopes & dreams, but they may not always be fulfilled the way I think they should.
I'm outside of DC as well.
Do you think I should ask him to describe a great marriage? In MC maybe?
Yes, I know how I envision a great marriage. 2 people who are best friends & live their lives as equals. Always putting the other above themselves. If there is a stalemate in decision-making, one differs to the other, knowing that the other loves their family & will make the best decision they can for all of us. Never keeping score.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
From the description of the bad MC session, it sounded like a who's going to win? session. Who can make the other one cry first....
Maybe it's time to put your issues aside. Maybe each of you create a list of crap that is pissing you off including actions and subjects. (meaning when he forgets to pick up the milk or you hate talking about cows and he always brings them up....) And tell him, Truce. Let's put all this crap on the side for now...take out the negative stuff and fill this relationship back up with some positive feelings. Then when we are more solid more positive go back and revisit those problems/issues...whatever.
I'm no therapist for sure but some of those questions your MC asked both of you....well, hell, of course you're upset. The MC actually told your husband to look you in your eyes and say my feelings for you have not changed.....??? Seriously, how does that help you? It sounds like it reinforces his feelings for you and your marriage are bye bye forever.
I think one of the reasons DBers are advised and advise each other to avoid the R talk because the more one person says it's over to the other spouse, the more it seems to become real and sinks in. Stop letting him say it.
And I would ask him, what is your idea of a great marriage? I think your idea is pretty right on. I could live like that.
And I debate this a lot in my own head....do you think it's possible for a couple to love each other unconditionally? Some days I say yes, others I think no way. I think we love our children unconditionally but I wonder if we love our spouses that way....?
Then follow the lead. HE is lashing out at the MC because he feels he HAS to. Actually, it has become a stage for him to express his anger. No R talk started by you is for a reason.
I agree with you on this point, but wonder why has it become a stage for him to express his anger? The previous MC session went well. He took some baby steps & did not act angry. In the session before that one, he was lashing out as well. It's hit or miss. Sometimes I wonder if we should even go to MC.
Still not answering me....WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT TO BE ???
I want to be the loyal, honest, compassion, tender person and everything on the list. I am deleting the opinionated, inflexible, selfish parts.
How are your actions different enforcing them ?
I'm trying to look at things from other people's points of view. I am trying to realize that I am not always right. I am trying to listen better and not make assumptions. I am trying to put other people's needs above my own. I am choosing to have a joyful spirit and see the beauty in all things. Starting with my family - trying to just enjoy each day as it comes. I am trying to be patient with people and realize things don't have to get done my way and in my time. I think before I speak. I try not to say anything just to say it, only if there is a benefit (example no reason to criticize). I am trying to stop worrying about the little things & just let things roll off my back. I am careful with my tone & thinking about whether or not there is any underlying meaning to why I am telling someone something (H says I give him guilt trips)
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
From the description of the bad MC session, it sounded like a who's going to win? session. Who can make the other one cry first....
I did not say one thing in MC that was intended to hurt H. As constructive criticism, what did I say that gives you this impression? Just want to know how it could have come off that way.
Maybe it's time to put your issues aside. Maybe each of you create a list of crap that is pissing you off including actions and subjects. (meaning when he forgets to pick up the milk or you hate talking about cows and he always brings them up....) And tell him, Truce. Let's put all this crap on the side for now...take out the negative stuff and fill this relationship back up with some positive feelings. Then when we are more solid more positive go back and revisit those problems/issues...whatever.
How do you get someone who is unwilling to do any work on the R to do this?
I'm no therapist for sure but some of those questions your MC asked both of you....well, hell, of course you're upset. The MC actually told your husband to look you in your eyes and say my feelings for you have not changed.....??? Seriously, how does that help you? It sounds like it reinforces his feelings for you and your marriage are bye bye forever.
I agree
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
