Different Places - Different Spaces

[Uncool Cat]

Well, I thought things were moving in a little more positive direction. That's what I get for thinking. I'm obviously not used to it.

I went on the vacation with my boys. We had a great time. W called a couple of times to talk to the boys. The boys also asked why she wasn't there. I wanted to say because she doesn't want to be with us, but that's not what I said. I just told them she couldn't come.

I dropped them off Sunday evening. Then I picked them up yesterday (Wednesday) for my regular visit. She brought up the divorce papers. She said there were probably some things that I would like and some things I wouldn't like. This really dissappointed me because I had liked the 4 weeks we had spent not speaking about the divorce and papers.

I'll admit it. I lost my cool. I didn't DB like I was supposed to. Without going into all the detail let's just say I told her I didn't understand why she wanted this; then she proceded to tell me how selfish I had been throughout our marriage and how I acted like a five-year-old etc. etc. etc.

She's not in any different place than she was when all this started. After the thrashing I took, I really don't know how interested I am in saving this anymore. I just can't do it.

I believe love is a choice. If love weren't a choice, then why would anyone love God. A person chooses to love God. They don't naturally fall in love with God.

All that being said, I want to choose not to love her anymore. She's obviously chosen not to love me. If I can stop loving her, I'll stop hurting.

I'm sorry that this is not encouraging DB stuff, but I'm at the end. I'm lonely, depressed, and without the energy to fight anymore.

If anyone is out there, I'll listen...