Just when I thought it was over

[No Longer BH]

I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends here who have supported me throught so many dark times. I am looking forward to making more and to giving back as much as I can.

dburt.....the are no talks of dates, and there will not be for awhile. Neither one of us thinks that would be a go idea. My H is a very lost, co-dependant soul. If we were to try and start things back up right now, without him learning how to live on his own and fill himself up (the lessons I was forced to learn when he left me) then we would just continue our disfunctional dance. We both see that. Knowing that we need our distance, though, makes R for us a totally differnt beast from those whose spouces move right back in. Thank you for your suggestion, I really appreciated it.

I have started a list of things that must happen for us to R. I want opinions on this and would love to hear what others felt was important to them.

1. That a NC letter be sent to her and that I have proof that it was done. He has already agreed to do this in the next few days.

2. I need to know who all of his friends are and I get to have the choice on wether or not I participate in an event with his friends. In the past, he had his work friends and I was not allowed to go to their happy hours. Well, this is where his R started up with OW. I will not except being told that I am not invited ever again. There will be many times he gets to have alone time with friends, I am not about controlling him, I just want to feel like I can go if I chose to.

3. We must attend some kind of MC. Here is the thing....when do we start? He is focused on fixing himself at this juncture and he needs to, yet that keeps me hanging in limbo. Do I say "I will give you 6 months to get your head on straight and then we need to go to therapy or its no deal"?

4. He will make an effort to do things that I want to do. Not only was I not invited into his life, he stopped trying to participate in mine. I not saying that he has to go to the garden show or anything painful like that, I am saying that I would like for him to maybe sit down next to me one night a week to watch a tv show together.

5. There needs to be efforts made to show me that I am important in his life. For most of our relationship I did not receive presents for my birthday/mother's day/christmas....nothing. I felt invisible and I will not allow that to happen again. He needs to be doing things that make me feel special. He has started by opening completely up about the A and expressing remorse over and over again. He downloaded a ton of music he thought I would really enjoy and he is coming over to mow my yard tonight. I have learned so much in my journey and now know that acts of service are one of the ways he says "I love you".

Ok, that is my start. I have a question that I want to put out there to all of you who have been through this. There is something else I want to put on my list, but dont know if I have the right to. During all of this, my H made a close friend (never had any real close male friends before this) and is still very close to this man. Here is the thing, this guy helped my H hide the A and even encouraged it. I have nothing but feelings of distain for the man. I dont want him any where near my life. Do I have the right to say that you need to find other friends and cut this connection if you want me or is that too far? Thoughts?