My H is doing a marriage program with me because he absolutely REFUSED to see a traditional counselor. He's doing this with complete and utter disdain. He has no interest in saving the marriage. He's doing this with the goal of shutting me up, so I won't contest the divorce--so he can say we did get professional help and it didn't work. And his goal (we both set one on the first day of the program--which was last night) is to be less adversarial. So this is the last ditch effort. I hope it works. I'm hoping it at least gives him pause "Hey wait, could we work this out?" But for you and your H, you do need to stop. You are right. Look at it this way, if you were having an affair of any kind, don't you think you would feel sort of guilty? Then your Spouse gives you crap about it, now you feel worse....then you start thinking "Well screw him! I'm having fun, he can't stop me from having fun and wanting to feel good about myself!" and you go deeper into the affair. Also, it's just exhausting. Isn't it nicer when you are with him and you are laughing or just relaxing? It's so much energy to fight. And you can trust him again. And the first step to trusting him again is treating him like you do trust him. Tell him, too. I am going to trust you and I believe you won't let us down. Start small. Ask him to pick up some milk on the way home. When he does it say "Thanks I knew I could trust you to get this for me!" Small but small plus lots and lots of small adds up to pretty big. You still think the world of him. I still think the world of my H. I'm just disappointed. Another angle....not sure if you have kids, but if you do and one of them gets caught stealing....what would you do? Would you spend the rest of that child's life reminding them of the time they screwed up and embarassed you? That one I came up with on my own and I was shocked that I treated my husband like I did. And when I found out about the EA it just got worse and I just drove him further and further away right to the person who thought he was just about perfect. And the sick thing is I think he's pretty close to perfect. I just forgot to say it out loud.
