Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[futureunknown]

Antlers, I concur completely with Sandi. You are truly an example for others who find themselves in this horrible situation. Keep it up. I know you still feel bad, but you are so much better than you were. Stay on the road you're on, and you'll come out of this a much better and stronger man, no matter what happens. That's DBing at its finest!

[antlers]

I'd think about changing the 'we' to 'I' to show that YOU are making the effort.

gotta run...sorry can't stay

Hi Purple, I know what you mean...just wanted to make sure you knew that by saying 'we'...I meant the kids and I!

[antlers]

This is the one I sent to her tonight...

"Wife, I've been thinking a lot about this vacation, and as much as I was really
looking forward to the trip, I guess I didn't truly put myself in your shoes and
think more about how you would feel if our kids were away for 12 days. How
about if I reconfigure our trip for a shorter period of time, and maybe we can
do some day trips or something...or maybe we could break the trip into 2 parts
and come back for a couple of days in the middle. Could I leave them with you
during that time? I know I'd miss them too, if we were apart for that long. I
think this might work out for all of us. Thanks,

antlers

I think it's a pretty good response to her last one. Thanks to all who helped me with it.

[Purple]

Cross fingers!

PS I dont' do shift work any more...I'm in the Land of Oz so I am in a humungously different timezone to you.

[antlers]

I received the following E-mail from my wife this morning in response to the one that I last sent...

"That sounds good. Thank you."


I appreciate you folks helping me with this issue. Thanks to all who contributed.

[volleydog]

Great, it looks like it worked perfectly...

[CityGirl]

I think this is a GREAT example of how collaborative editing, talking about a response and really drawing on the experience of others can make a HUGE difference in how we respond to our WAS.

Granted, she was rude, cold and dictative in her request but you chose to rise above that, not fall back in the old dynamic, seek out solutions that would work for ALL involved and really cement in your own mind that changes (for you) are happening and they are real.

That is why I say when you need to make contact with a WAS wait at least 24 or 48 hours so you dont make an emotional response. Trust me, I have whipped off some absolute doozies to my H based on emotional responses early on in my situation and all it did was cause more conflict in a situation that was already filled with so much tension and anger.

I still think this might be a good opportunity for you to broach the idea of some sort of family calender for the future so things run smoother when it comes to the children and vacations and their activities. I dont mean to bring it up right away, but in the future it might be an idea to ponder.

Great job! I am proud of you and you did very, very well!

[AlexEN]

I think this is a GREAT example of how collaborative editing, talking about a response and really drawing on the experience of others can make a HUGE difference in how we respond to our WAS.

Granted, she was rude, cold and dictative in her request but you chose to rise above that, not fall back in the old dynamic, seek out solutions that would work for ALL involved and really cement in your own mind that changes (for you) are happening and they are real.

That is why I say when you need to make contact with a WAS wait at least 24 or 48 hours so you dont make an emotional response. Trust me, I have whipped off some absolute doozies to my H based on emotional responses early on in my situation and all it did was cause more conflict in a situation that was already filled with so much tension and anger.

I still think this might be a good opportunity for you to broach the idea of some sort of family calender for the future so things run smoother when it comes to the children and vacations and their activities. I dont mean to bring it up right away, but in the future it might be an idea to ponder.

Great job! I am proud of you and you did very, very well!

It's a good lesson to us all... But, why is it so much easier to write someone else's letter than our own?

[antlers]

Dear Antlers,

I come across your postings to newcomers to the board and you sound so strong and I know you have grown as a person in a great way. You are so good for people here and I hope you will continue to work hard and keep giving good advice to newcomers. Nothing gives us wisdom like learning from the School of Hard Knocks. You have learned a lot and that experience and knowledge can be a guide to many people here.

As you see, there will always be bumps along the road, but I am confident that you, Antlers, are going to be just fine. You sound so different from the way you did when you first arrived here. I am proud of you. You are evidence of a man who was determined to change! Nobody can say it can't be done b/c you have proved otherwise.

I will talk to you later. Take care and continue to GAL!

Sandi

Hey Sandi.

Thanks for your kind words. I'm doin' better, and I am a better man! Whatever progress I've made...YOU certainly had a lot to do with it...as well as all of the other posters on this board. Thanks to all so far! I am committed to continue to work hard...value, respect, and compassion...for myself as well as for others. Strong, powerful, secure, confident, and assertive...these are things I'm working toward for myself too!

I'm confident that I'll be fine too Sandi...regardless how things turn out. I hope I get another chance though! I am alot different now, even though there are bumps along the road. I was/am determined to change. I know it can be done. I appreciate you Sandi.

I look forward to hearing from you. I hope things are well with you.

TTYL,

antlers

[antlers]

Antlers, I concur completely with Sandi. You are truly an example for others who find themselves in this horrible situation. Keep it up. I know you still feel bad, but you are so much better than you were. Stay on the road you're on, and you'll come out of this a much better and stronger man, no matter what happens. That's DBing at its finest!

Hi futureunknown.

Thanks for the attaboys! I intend to keep it up. Yeah, I'm better than I was...but you're right, it's still painful. I agree...I'm already a better man than I ever was, and I'm working at being stronger. I keep up with your thread too! You have been a help to me so far...thank you. I have good thoughts for you, and I wish you great things.