I'm just curious about something. I read an advice column a few weeks ago where the writer had an affair and after the affair was well over, realized the hurt she would have caused betrayed spouse. She wanted to apologize but the advice columnist said not to because it would only bring up more pain to the betrayed spouse and it was a long time ago. Instead, she should do some other deed to make her feel better about what happened.
So, for you betrayed spouses out there, do you agree with this advice? Would you ever want to be contacted by the affair partner? Why or why not?
Looking at things now, I would say I would like my W to have told me personally. It would be honest and it would have to be that the wayward spouse asks to be forgiven. I think that's the biggest thing. They would also have to explain why they did it in the first place.
But that's just me.
If they do decide to come clean however, they would have to be willing to take all the emotions that come from admission from their betrayed spouse. Anger, shame, depression, etc. as well as the risk of destroying their marriage.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have no idea if I'm in this situation or not - I'm really hoping not...
I would never want to know, at all, if H and I work things out if there was anybody else. If I found out some time down the line, it would depend on how committed my H had been since the affair stopped. I definitely wouldn't want OW to apologize to me - she didn't make vows to me.
(I have asked H several times if there was something going on and he says no every time - I would think that he would just lay it all out for me if he wanted our marriage to be over instead of talking about a temporary separation and starting counseling.)
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I would agree with dmk...the OP didn't make the vows, the S did and they should come clean. They may never do that though and I think it is worse this way. But, how do you let them know you would forgive them so they trust you enough to tell you, without acting like a doormat!??
If the wayward spouse is telling to make themselves feel better to relieve their sense of guilt, then no.
If the wayward spouse truly commits to focusing all their energy on building the best possible relationship with their spouse and family, then no.
If not telling puts the other spouse or the family in danger medically, physically.. then yes.
If the spouse asks, questions, then yes.
If the wayward spouse is a louse, doesn't care, flaunts it, and/or is intentionally hurtful, the other spouse should take a stand.
Why do I take this view? Because affairs, emotional or physical, are symptoms of serious trouble in a marriage. Which is better.. to work on a cure of the problem or focus on the symptom? It takes the effort of both spouses. One for their behavior, the other for drawing a line.
Oh, I should have clarified. The writer was the affair partner - the other woman. She wanted to apologize to the married woman (betrayed spouse) for her (OW) role in the affair. Would you want an apology from that person ever?
I think if the apology was real and truly heart-felt then it would be one thing and might even help the betrayed spouse to have some peace of mind that the OP wasn't still lurking out there. If it is not something that is truly about healing or forgiveness, then no. Its more self-serving BS and would only do more harm than good. I think every situation is different and it depends on what went on and how much time had past before you could really make a good call. I know in my case that she could apologize and put and ad in the paper and it wouldn't mean anything to me and never will. She has and continues to create misery for me and my kids and I wouldn't walk across the street to piss on her is she was on fire. But thats just me. I'm not bitter, just forgiveness challeneged.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
She has and continues to create misery for me and my kids and I wouldn't walk across the street to piss on her is she was on fire. But thats just me. I'm not bitter, just forgiveness challeneged.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
The affair created a triangle between the wayward spouse, other spouse and other person. Communication should be direct, one to the other.
I wouldn't want an apology from his affair partner. I'd want direct communication with my spouse because he's the one I committed my life to. The greatest gift the affair partner can do is leave completely, respect the decision to end the affair (regardless of who initiates it) and live their own lives.
So.. I wouldn't want, expect or be interested in an apology from the affair partner. The focus would be on me and my spouse, working on what caused the need to go out of the marriage.
If the affair partner feels contrite, they can do good for others.. I wouldn't need anymore of their 'help'.
