I am overwhelmed at the moment I will try to post tonight.
*Came home last night at midnight, found out this morning that my home phone is out of service for some reason. (Wondered why I hadn't gotten calls from Mom or MIL until Mom knocked on the door at 10 am to say my phone hadn't been working for a couple days...)
*Saturday of trip 6/6 my wallet with cell phone was lost/stolen within a 15 minute time frame of when I used it to when I realized it was gone...
So Bobbi Jo has no cell phone, no home phone, no driver's license, debit card, or credit card
Actually the no phone thing was quite peaceful...I did go get a new driver's license this afternoon and a new cell phone should be overnighted tomorrow, but no debit or credit card yet.
Plus my driver's license being in there has me worried about identify theft... so I will be calling the credit card companies.
Other brief highlights...
It was "Gay Days Orlando 2009" the weekend of our trip--Who Knew?
My best friend is gay (she didn't realize it until after college, she says), it isn't my ideal lifestyle but I don't have a problem with it in general. It is just that the parks were like Pride Day everywhere. Literally thousands of people wearing red (the sig. color I guess?) t-shirts that said "gay days" or some variant on the theme. Lots of rainbows everywhere, men in daisy dukes holding hands, etc etc.
Not what I was planning for my kids. Two guys standing outside the Winnie the Pooh Character breakfast with shirts designed like the Cat in the Hat with ONE variation: they said "Miss Thing 1" and "Miss Thing 2". And yes, they were men.
Was chatted up waiting for the Little Mermaid show by two men in lovely matching argyle sweater vests, who were accompanied by their 3 children including an infant. My Husband was supremely uncomfortable with the whole thing!
Again, fine on South Beach or whatever but not exactly the atmosphere I expected of the Magic Kingdom!
When we took the kids to Disneyland it was Bat Day. I swear there were at least a thousand people (and kids) dressed in goth clothing. A little scary at first.
Just throwing a couple things out there for you all. Probably won't be on here all that often the next several days. Working on Project BBJ...
Re the trip:
*Dan was unhappy about 60% of the time, mostly with me but also with the trip. Lines too long, food not great, his phone broke during the trip so he took a 3 hr journey to rent a cab from the Magic Kingdom, go to Kissimee to a Verizon store, get a new phone, and come back. He showed me his phone when he got back, pointed out that he had gotten 200 emails from work in the 3 hours he was without a phone. Dude has major work issues...He also showed me texts from a co-worker he left in charge saying he couldn't handle the workload and needed a raise...Have I mentioned he hates his job? Yet somehow clings to it as his reason for being, it seems to me! It is the way he can get all of the 'stuff' that doesn't bring him happiness.
*On the third night, [censored] spilled her food at dinner. Nathan jumped up and suddenly needed to go to the bathroom. I was taking him and he basically told me he only got up b/c he didn't want to hear his daddy get mad at Sissy for spilling. He asked me "Why is daddy so grouchy? This is a vacation I thought it was supposed to be fun."
*So I shared this with Dan when we got back to the table. He informed me that he was grouchy b/c I didn't discipline the kids at all and he was forced to be the bad guy, etc etc. Same song and dance. I just told him I had the kids 90% of the time and when he was around I was happy to take the backseat and let him lead...
*I took him aside later and told him he would NEVER speak to me that way in front of the kids again. (He had been bitchy with me several times about various things) He was pissed if I asked him questions and told me to just make decisions, such as which ride to ride, where to eat,etc. But when I made decisions, invariably he bitched (didn't like the food, the line was too long, etc etc). Can't win for losing...
*Anyway I cut him off on the moaning and he put on a happy face for several hours with the kids. Good. The last day I needed to buy my souvenirs at our hotel gift shop. I made sure the kids got what they wanted/needed and helped Dan choose a couple things, but put off buying my own b/c I knew exactly what I wanted and where to get it.
Well we were pushing it for time, he agreed to take the kids and the luggage up to check out while I went to the gift shop. Our resort was sprawling, shuttles just to get from our room to the gift shop and to the main building for check-out. The day before the shuttle took along time and he had been pissed. So I ran, literally, from our room to the gift shop (almost 1/2 mile), got my stuff, then ran 1/4 mile from the gift shop to the building to check out. I got there all tired and sweaty and Dan and the kids were there. He asked why I was sweaty and out of breath. I told him I ran the whole way. He said, why, I told you take a shuttle.
Then it dawned on me. I said, "I ran the whole way b/c I didn't want to get here late, didn't want to wait for a shuttle, b/c I didn't want to make you mad. I have spent most of this trip AND the past several years making every single decision (practically) based on trying to make you happy and not make you mad. I am done doing it.....
*He sputtered and looked a little shell-shocked, then he said he never told me to run, he said I should take the shuttle, he wasn't upset was in no big hurry, etc etc. I said I know I made the choice I have been making it all along, I have done it to myself but not anymore. I can't live my life to please you and avoid upsetting you, I am done.
Anyway we went on to spend our last afternoon at the park and headed home. The trip was for me about 50% awesome, the parts where I focused on my kids and their joy. I will post pics on FB when I have time. Sydney was priceless with the princesses and Nate was thrilled with the Star Wars guys. Sydney had a great time all around, Nathan had about 80% fun except for when he was worried about his dad...
In the mean time yesterday I went and bought three books: Boundaries Boundaries Workbook Boundaries in Marriage
It is long past time I set my own standards for myself and enforce them. Not just with Dan, with everyone. I can't keep living the life of a people-pleaser who never winds up pleasing anyone, really, least of all myself!!
Ironically, Dan stopped by before work this morning and dropped off my sunglasses that he found in his truck from a couple months ago. Left them in the door. Then called to tell me to go look in the door. Then called again to ask if I had found them. (DUH, how could I not?) I don't know if he feels me disengaging but I don't really care. I need to get myself in order and focus on that, then on my kids. He is not in the pecking order anymore.
And Kerry, just so ya know, I did the Tiki Room AND It's A Small World. I LOVE THEM!! I am such a kid at heart...also got my pic taken with Cinderella.
Are you sure he hates his job? I think he says he does, but I think it feeds his ego! Clearly (at least to me) he wants to be "the guy" at work.... otherwise he would have made sure that things were handled such that he didn't get 200 emails in 3 hours. It's not rocket science!
I think that Nathan needing to get away when he expected a blow up is telling, too. "They" always say it's better for the kids if we stay together... things like that have to make you question that, it seems to me. How can than be a good thing?
He chose to go with you, and he knew where you were going, right? Once you decide to go to Disney you lose the right to complain about longs lines, high prices, and less than perfect food! It's part of the deal!
I am glad you are finally seeing that you have been making decisions about your life with the goal of not making him mad! I've been there, and done that! It isn't any way to live, is it? It is a hard habit to break.
It's time to get some serious detachment going... long term. I think he will react quickly, at times, like with the sunglasses. But I don't think it's "real". He is used to being able to get you "back into line" with a little token action, and then he can go back to whatever it is he does. I think it is time to break the pattern.
So..does he use guilt as a weapon?? jus wondering...
He would say that I use guilt as a weapon, and I have in the past I admit,not anymore. Both of our moms are experts at manipulation through guilt.
The only way I would say he uses guilt would be his base reason (his words) for resenting me: he goes to a job he hates everyday so I can live MY dream, teaching and being home with the kids. He has said he sacrificed going to grad school or vet school to take a higher-paying job right out of college to provide for me. Because teachers, esp. subs which I was when we got married, make jack squat.
So his fall back is that he sacrificed his chance to be happy (he swears it is too late to go back to school to become a vet or a college agriculture professor and judging team coach)so that I could be a stay-at-home mom. But once i was one, all I did was complain about how hard it was and demand more time and attention from him. I am honest enough to admit that I did complain. I think all moms do, to a certain extent. Doesn't mean I didn't want to do it, but poop and puke and such can wear you down when you add on sleep deprivation and little contact with grown-ups!
Anyway I have re-hashed that about a million times. Yes, I was needy, yes I complained, yes, I wanted him to meet all my needs since we had moved away from all family and friends. Was I wrong to do that? Sure. But that doesn't excuse his having an affair at that point, when Nathan was an infant. It doesn't excuse his second affair, either. And he needs to be responsible for his choice in life, NOT to go to grad school. He made that decision without even asking me for input so he needs to take ownership of it. Just like I need to take ownership of the fact that i have let him and his moods practically dominate my thoughts and feelings for the past few years.
That is why I am reading the boundaries book. Time to have some and move on with my life!
