Stress, WAW and life in general III

[mindfull]

Weird sh*t gets to me. She called and wants me to reserve a room in the mountains for our anniversary next month. I almost screamed, "why!!!??" She doesn't want to even hug me. I feel like a leper around her and don't even want to date her tomorrow night. Just the same, I'll pull myself together and I know I'll be there.

Funny, how we are all having similar feelings in remarkably different situations. And, I get the feeling all of these walk-away spouses are churning in about the same fashion internally.

Way to go, AJ. No more pity party.

[Sam1007]

AJ,

I have been feeling the same way lately. Just seem to get very angry and want to just quit. Then, I think of my boys and know I can't. I'm not going to be the one to give up.

Then something happens that really lifts me up again and I get enough energy to plow through the rough times again.

Make sure your PMA is skyhigh when going on a date, makes you feel (and look) very strong and confident. Show her that you two know how to have a good time, then she'll miss that when she goes back to her place.

[Kalni]

Aj,
before my H left me, we went a period of almost 6 months of absolut madness. He was angry at me about anything and everything. I was walking on eggshells so much I turned into a scared 3 yr old kid. He was trying to base his need to leave (and probably be with the OW) on facts for his mind to accpet it as moral. The month after he left I GOT MAD. I got VERY VERY mad. Said things I regretted while he was laying low and only responding to my anger. After that, I slowly started to accept the sitch. I think this is a very common way emotions cycle in these cases.

What DID help me, was to stay away from him as much as I could. Everytime I saw him in the beggining, was like hitting a fresh wound by accident. No matter how prepared I thought I was, I always felt like sh!t in the end.

Regroup. Her moving away, no matter how "cool-controlled" (lack of the right word) things happened, is a turning point, very painful for you.

I would actually, at this point, consider if I would go to the mountains with her. The timing maybe off unless you can really act as if when you are there and use it to bring you closer. You think that is possible?
K

[AJM]

Hi Kalni. Thanks for stopping by.

Yeah, I'm struggling with going to the mountains with her. I was talking to the pastor today and he brought it up the same way: an anniversary is the celebration of x number of years being together. Doesn't make a lot of sense to celebrate when we're separated.

However, I've decided I'm sticking with this until at the 6mo is up. Not that I have to do everything she wants, but I sticking with this means I'm going to be able to walk away not wondering if during that time I did everything I could to make this marriage work.

To be honest, when I saw her last night she worried me. She is very depressed. I haven't been able to answer the question yet: was she depressed first and then left? or was the leaving what caused her depression? Or both?

Basically, I see severe clinical depression. I think she does as well.

That leaves me in a place where I don't know that I can walk away without feeling like I left her when she needed me most. I also cannot be a doormat. And I have things for me that I must do. Tough choices, but I have more to think of regarding going away with her for a few days.

The pastor also brought it up that I shouldn't go if I it was to fight or try to fix things. If we can't go and have a good time, then might be better not to go.

AJ

[Sam1007]

AJ,

Your pastor has some good advice! I was going to tell you essentially the same. You don't need to celebrate your anniversary, but doing something small like some flowers and a card or something just lets her know you remembered the day, you're not ignoring it. That's what I did and that felt good to me. Ignoring it would have just felt wrong to me.

I think you should only go on this trip if you are sure that you can have a GREAT time without any R talk or any kind of pressure. If that's not the case, it might just worsen the sitch.

My W too was in a pretty severe depression. Seeing your W is about the same age, as well as numerous others on this site, I came to the conclusion that this 35 to 40 age seems to be prime time for this kind of thing. In my case, I have seen improvement over the last couple of months. I see more and more of the "old" W as I knew her for years. I too was worried for her, but I have read in more than one book and was told by numerous people including the MC that, as an outsider, you cannot get someone out of a depression. They have to get themselves out. Any "help" you're trying to give will just make matters worse. So I just tried to give her as much space and time as she wanted. I can't say that my case is a success, but I remain cautiously optimistic, especially in light of recent events.

My advice for you would be to try and walk that fine line between being there for her when she needs you (keep her from going deeper down the depression path) and being detached. In my mind, it felt like being a best friend. You would go back and forth between being really involved and concerned and being distant, doing your own things. I don't know if this makes sense to you, but that's how I tried to keep myself on track.

[AJM]

Thanks Sam.

AJ

[mindfull]

AJ -

I think you mentioned that your W was going to the DR for her depression. Did that happen? I hope so. If so, at least she can SEE that there's more to this than just becoming happy within her life. It's truly chemical.

Looking forward to an update.

Any summer plans with the kids?

[AJM]

She did go. She's not talking much about what the doctor said. Sunday night I took over a sandwhich and some fruit for her. She's losing weight but not working out as much. I think she's having more trouble functioning.
She related that she went and that everything physical (she stressed that) was great. Numbers were really good. I told her that was great and she remarked that she was fine physically, but mentally that might be a different story.

I've noticed that her pupils are dilated a lot. Not sure what that's about, but in the past that was something I noticed when she was really in the depression. Even in bright light they seem to be huge much of the time. Not sure what I'm seeing...

She told me last night (when she came over for family dinner) that she is not going to run the Marine Corps marathon this year. She says she has too much on her plate. I asked her about her other running buddy and she said she just can't deal with him right now (he's going through separation.) Says she has too much other stuff to deal with. She mentioned she had a list of things to deal with. I asked if she wrote them down, and she said not yet but plans to.

I think the checkup was a good one, but can't tell what happened. Worries me a bit, but I have nothing I can do. She also tells me she wants to go to the next MC session on her own. I said it was fine by me. Not sure what she's doing, but this is her journey. My task seems to be not to get sucked into it and depressed or crazy or looney myself. Working on that is becoming a full time job. Since my full-time job doesn't pay enough since they cut my hours back, I have my own issues to really deal with right now as far as putting the house payment together each month. Struggles, struggles, struggles.

I miss her. I do, but I cannot be dragged into the craziness right now. I try to keep an eye out as much as I can so I can keep her from getting hurt, but otherwise, this is her journey.

AJ

[Sam1007]

AJ,

All sounds very familiar to me! My W tells me the same things: a lot of stuff to deal with, overwhelmed with work, no time for anything, talking to the MC really felt good. After the last MC session, she tells me that she really liked the MC and that she will set up the next appointment. But she hasn't yet. She keeps acknowledging that she needs and wants help, but doesn't take action to do something about it! It's been a while, so I asked her last Sunday if she had set something up because the MC had emailed me about an invoice and said we could pay next time we come in. Then she says: "I keep forgetting everything! I'll write it on my hand right now!" Then she put a reminder in her phone while I was there. We'll see...

Looks like your W actually is doing something! So I see that as a good thing! She seems to take action to better herself, to work on herself. I think the best thing to do is to let her do her thing...

[mindfull]

AJ -

She sounds like she's wallowing in a pool of guilt (female view), probably snowballed into clinical depression.

Did he put her on AD's? A friend of mine just went on them recently, and her pupils are dilated non-stop! Her's are blatantly obvious, too, as she has blue eyes.

Sounds like you're doing all you can. Is she functioning okay when she has the children?

Good luck on that mortgage payment! It can't be hard now trying to cover two "households," especially when your W is a student!