d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

I really blew it last night. I picked up our D4 at his parents house. Later he drove by our house and stopped in. He played w/D4 in the yard and he took her over by the cows. I had a hard time even looking at him because of my meltdown during texting with him. I guess I'm not sure how I feel.

My texting to him was foolish, I let down my guard with him. I complained about $160.00 gift cards he bought for his stripper friend. About the car he bought her, when the one I have to take his daughter around in is about ready to blow up. How he must be her new pimp. That he was foolish and will only get hurt. You name it, I said it. At least with texting he can't see me cry or tone in my voice.

I even brought up the soon divorce, that I will do whatever I can do to not to let it happen. He wants over by june 29, cut and dry, and I told him this is only a pre-trial and it could get postponed. He ignored that text.

Problem is - he's leaving me house and everything. Wants nothing. He is willing to pay all daycare, tuition,meals, later book fees when D4 enters K-12 grade. He doesn't want to pay me child support now cuz he's paying 600.00 / daycare per month. But is willing to pay $50/week when d4 goes to school.
My lawyer says that's a pretty good deal and maybe we should make no waves or the judge might want me to split tuition, medical, all of the above.

Throughout this marriage I never wanted anything from him. I never spent money foolishly (he even said that) I always worried about money and bills. I have all old furniture and never wanted diamonds or gold. The only gold was my wedding ring (which I still love)
So, I guess I go belly up and say ok let it be done. My marriage is over ! Stop trying to save it.

I didn't do a good job of saving nothing last night, for sure. I couldn't even save myself. I just blew the whole thing. I even said that D-4 and I loved him very much and we don't understand why he's breaking up his family. He only texted - u also. I'm thinking he was saying he loved us too? but who knows.

I feel like total crud today. I know I lost it, but for some sick reason I almost feel relieved. Maybe it is for the best that it's done.

I just will have to pick myself up by the "boot" straps and try to live life for d4 and me.

I was foolish enough to even say I hope you miss me and your daughter especially when I'm putting her to bed at night! He responded by yes, I will miss both of you. Then I was really upset. I tested the waters and said if you felt that way why didn't you give me a hug and a kiss when you were here earlier? He texted, I would have, but you didn't ask. Argh !!
Then I said, If I asked you to come over later to snuggle, would you? He said - sure.

I feel embarrased to even be posting all of this, but I guess I need a swift kick in the caboose.

Thanks for listening

[Grace_O]

misshim,

I'm sorry you had such a tough night and you're so miserable today.

Just to throw an idea out there....
perhaps you said all that stuff b/c you knew you'd get a reaction. It's like, you want some movement, either way, just something so that you know where you stand. Even if you don't like the place you're standing. I know you wanted to "wake" him up and have him realize what he's doing, but even if he got mad and never came around, it would be over. No more torment. May not be true for you, but it is something to think about esp. before you say something next time.

It's hard not to think everything you do or say is "wrong" and that you "just ruined everything". It isn't and you didn't. have you read the thread "Don't" towards the top of the forum? it's a good one.

Hang in there sweetie. HUGS

[misshim]

Grace,

You really are correct, I guess I wanted some movement either way. The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, all reared up it's ugly head. But just like in our marriage together, there was no emotion from him. Would have probably got a kick out of him if he would have told me to go to H***, but of course he never gets mad. -- almost like he tries to get even with me.

I just couldn't stop myself last night. All the hurtful things that he's done and will continue to do to our family. I don't know how others hang on so long, years. I was more than willing to try and keep this marriage and hopefully in time things would change. I have forgiven him for the A, and for what he has done to me, but what he has done to our D4 is the hardest and will take time.

At least I turned my cell phone off last night after our last text and haven't turned it on yet today. I know he won't text me today but I did it for myself to remind me to just let this relationship go.

Grace, you are so smart with all of this! What a way to be smart though, because anyone that is going thru all this stuff, well, lets just put it this way it really s**ks.

I laughed one of our drivers at work looked at me and said, did you have a rough night? (eyes really puffy) I said maybe alittle but I'll be fine. He hugged me and said you are a beautiful lady and when this is all over you will get that sparkle back in those pretty eyes, so hang in there. -- His wife and I have become very close after I gave them a kitten that I had bottle fed and spoiled beyond belief!!

That really meant alot to me. If I'd cry at home when my H lived there he'd turn up the TV or tell me to go somewhere else to cry. Never, ever did he tell me that it would be ok, or ask what was the matter. I never cried for foolish things like, I broke a nail either. It was serious health issues, that he never cared to hear.

I forgot (little embarrassed) but I got to tell you this one. Yesterday H knew I had to get a mamogram (he read it on calender on fridge awhile back. He never used to ask me about any doctor appointments but he said last night. How did the B**B squeezing go? I told him thanks for asking, went fine. Then in his teenage mentality he goes, I could have squeezed them alot better than a stupid machine but that I might like that too much !! I'm sorry at my age and the scares that can be there with exams, well I was ticked off. But as nice as I could I told him - Thanks for the concern, and dropped it.

I appreciate the opportunity to vent on this site, even though I write in my journal it's not the same as "talking" to you Grace.
My D4 was very crabby this am, so I hope tonight we can share lots of hugs and kisses and go for a walk.

[Grace_O]

but what he has done to our D4 is the hardest and will take time.

One thing it took me quite awhile to really own, was how angry I was for what he did to me. Of course, I was angry for D's how could I not be, but I hid behind them at first (ie: my anger was for them not myself). Not proud of it, just the way it was. We all get to where we're going on different trains, planes and sutomobiles.

I know that whenever I get a compliment from a friend or just someone I know (that's a man) I still get chocked up. It's nice to hear.

I think his asking how the appt went was nice. May not have come out in a great way, but, he did ask.

Journaling is great, but it isn't the same as getting feedback from someone else. This site has been a refuge for more than a few. if you ever "really" need to talk, you can always look me up on the alt fan club (FB).

I'm sure the crabbies will be gone from D4 tonight, so enjoy the hugs. They're the best aren't they?

HUGS

[misshim]

Maybe alittle too late, but I'm proud of myself. I had my cell phone turned off all day yesterday. I didn't want to see any texts from H. Well I finally turned it back on last night right after D4 went to bed. Sure enough, he had texted me during his lunch break. Letting me know that he has to work O.T. saturday for 8 hours. It seems that he always has to work when it's "his weekend" with our D4.

I don't really mind though, at least I know that D4 will be with me and we can mow lawn together. D and me and her doll's. Ha-ha.

I would normally answer him right away, but even last night I didn't answer him. Why? I'm afraid I would try to start a conversation only to be ignored. I'm surprised that he didn't text me again, asking me if I got his first one. Who knows maybe today. But also doesn't really matter, he will get D4 from daycare and bring her home @ 6pm.

I get confused when I read on other posts sometimes, so what do you think of the below issue?

I always used to take care of all the bills, and inside chores, heck I even fixed the furnace a couple of times. H didn't want to mess with it. I was too cheap to call a repair guy so I remembered reading something from the Family Hanyman magazine and I fixed myself. H took care of outside chores, cows, mowing, house repair. H knows that I've been taking care of all without him. What do you all think? Should I be needy and ask him for help with mowing? (that's all there is) and maybe carrying cow feed bags to the barn?

I'm not sure because when he left us he said that this place always needs something. He was tired of doing all the work outside by himself ! Our house to him felt like a prison (that's what he said in February)

I get confused, do I act needy and ask for his help or for his suggestions on how to do things or do I just show him that I can do it all by myself?

I remember before he left and having his issues. He used to tell me that he was stupid and can't do anything right. Everything he touches he screws up on. (he was always told this by his father i found out). I always was there to try to boost his self esteem. I always thanked him for everything he he had ever done for me. Like I used to tell him, this is your house so practice on our house until you are satisfied then when you go out and side job someone else's house you'll have it down and perfected. He'd just say yeah.

If you have any suggestions on the need you/not need you please help - 17 days left.

Or do I just throw up my hands in the air and say I'm done??

I'm as confused as he is.

[Grace_O]

I don't have that answer even for myself. If I truly need help or feedback on something I will ask. He will ususally help me do something, but I haven't asked for help on anything really big or time consuming. Feedback is another thing. I was told recently that when I update and ask for feedback on D's he thinks I want him to "fix" it right now. I expolained that wasn't what I wanted and I was looking for his input b/c I feel like I mucking things up. Needless to say, I don't ask anymore. I update on the serious stuff and sadly there is too much of that. What I find to be serious has changed too.

If you've been asking for help try not. If it works great, if not you can always change it.

HUGS

[misshim]

Emotional weekend. H acts like everything is fine with us. We are still buddies in his book. I noticed him texting me small stuff like, when he was done with work on Saturday he said, be home soon. (he really had to pickup D4) He actually mowed the lawn for me so I could take a shower. When he dropped D4 off last night, he had to leave shortly later because he was going to a friends house. (he used to just say I'm going out) funny, now he actually tells me where he is going. (Knowing him lately, he just tells me that when really he's doing something else -- he's been very sneeky in the past). Well so he left, I just said have a good time with "your friend". He asked me if he could text me if he got bored. I said that's fine but not after 10, I'm going to bed. He even gave me a big hug and a kiss on cheek and my neck (my weak spot). I returned the kisses and thanked him saying thanks for everything. (he mowed my lawn on saturday for me and fed the cows).

He knows I have to go to the Lawyer today (he saw on calender) but he never said a word about it. Lawyer said if I can get him to sign it, great. I just don't have it in me to hand him the marital agreement and say sign if you agree. I'd start crying.

I'd love to bring up our R to see where his thinking is but in 2 weeks it's over. He has had every opportunity of stopping this, but is afraid to. Why are they so afraid??? It must be his own guilt.

I really hate this !!

[misshim]

I met with my L yesterday. It went well, I found some mistakes which she actually said wow, you're good at understanding all of this. I just laughed and said I just want to protect myself in case. She doesn't think this will be a done deal on June 29. My H hasn't sent her the paperwork he needed to and she doesn't think he'll sign our agreement. I hate to think that if it isn't done then that's just more money for her !!

I could have gave him my agreement but I chose not to. It will be to hard for me to do. I'm sure he will come to me with questions on it once he receives it in a day or so.

Last night he dropped off our D4 but wouldn't get out of his vehicle. I went outside and heard him arguing on his cell. Saying How could you do this to me? Why couldn't you just have been honest with me. I knew it was with a girl and other stuff was said but I was thinking to myself. That really sounded like some of the things I had said to him in the past. I do believe he got burned. Oh well ! Sucks

I went to his van and got our D4 out of if (he's still on phone arguing, He ended up hanging up on her. He told me he was talking to a guy. I said, stop lying I could actually hear her voice. He didn't say anything. I just told him he should be proud the people who never would have hurt him and who love him he s**ts on. He said nothing and left.

H texts me, shoot me no nevermind I will just shoot myself. I was scared for him. But he has been so stuck on himself lately and I was so ticked off. I texted, no you won't you are too stuck on yourself to do anything.

About 1 hour later (via text) H for the first time in who know,says that he loves D4 and I. I was taken aback with that statement. I then "tested" him, and said are you also telling me that you want to be here and stay a family together. He texted, "yes". WTH. I told him then please talk to me about this whole issue (divorce) and lets see if it will work. I did tell him I loved him. Guess what? he never answered me. I never texted back either.

Now today I'm very scared because he never has said one thing today, (very odd for him) he always texts me something. I want to text him but I'm afraid, maybe he didn't mean what he said last night??? Then I think, wonder if something happened to him, especially with him talking about shooting himself.

My thoughts are just wild again. I take alot of bathroom breaks so I can cry or pray.

Kind of feels like we're back to square one. When he said that all to me last night, wouldn't he want to talk about it? Or maybe he just wants to be alone. He said he loves us, or is he starting to panic?

I have D4 tonight so I have to be in a good mood for her. It's getting harder.

Anyone have any advice for this wacked out mother?? (at least I feel that way)

[misshim]

Strange thing happened, I received a letter in the mail on tuesday evening from our old pastor. He was inviting me to go to our town board meeting to oppose the renewel of the strip clubs liquor license. I thought to myself, I can't go and voice my opinion. Even though my H seems to love it at the club!!. Then I remembered praying that the establishment would burn down or be struck down by lightning. In reality I knew that wouldn't happen. I decided this is my way of voicing my opinion by going to the meeting.

Wednesday June 17, I wrote up a two page letter to give to the town board. (didn't know I could read it outloud that night). As others were voicing their opinions of this establishment, I noticed my MIL came in and sat right behind me. My SIL & BIL sat in front of me. I choked, I couldn't go thru with the reading but then Pastor and his wife turned towards me and nodded their head to "do" it.

I mustered up the courage and spoke from my heart. I cried while trying to speak only to be reassured by others to continue (of course not by any of my in laws). All said and done after our meeting with the board and our towns people I got up to leave. Many people came up to me with hugs and words of encouragement. Then I got asked into a private office by the President of the Board. He wanted to know if I could speak to the town's "lawyers" on what I had just read to everyone. Apparently my reading had a very significant impact on everyone. I said of course I would, it's the least that I can do at this point. Well the lawyer should be calling me in a day or two.

One important thing I realized. Of course God wouldn't answer my prayer of burning down the place, but He heard me. I really believe that the Lord gave me a voice to speak at this meeting. All I did was to speak from my heart and maybe just maybe my prayers of closing this place will be answered.

And of course, MIL, BIL and SIL never said a flipping word to me. Then again they never believed me about H fooling around w/the stripper and buying her a car, that H never drives or sees, poor guy just pays the car payment !! They will all regret their decisions someday. At least I can always say that I did love all of them.

I hope everyone has a good day !

[Grace_O]

misshim,

Sounds like alot going on in your world.

I would advise you to back off on "testing" your H or making comments about what he's lost. Give him time to realize it for himself.

I know all of this this very emotional and difficult. Just hang in there.

HUGS