Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[iwantittowork]

Well, I have good days and I have bad days, this past weekend was awful for me, the W posted a new date for the first mediation meeting. June 22nd, 3 days after her augmentation surgery. I don't know how she is going to feel after that, but she setup the appointment.

I was in a funk all that weekend, but took my D to the zoo on Sunday, and tried to have a good day, I kept her in sunblock all day, and we did have some fun. However, when I got home and carried up upstairs to bed because she was sleeping, after my W checked in on her, she came back downstairs and said in a tough tone, "Your daughter has sunburned eyes, and should have been wearing sunglasses all day" I was furious, as I tried to pay extra attention to taking care of my D, and we were not in the sun all day, I didn't wear any sunblock at all, and didn't even get a mild burn. I told her I'd be sure to bring them next time, but took my Ipod and went for a walk around the neighborhood. It just seemed to be her trying to needle me, but I don't know. My D was fine the next day, and I just think she was tired from sleeping in the car on the ride home, and being woken up to be put to bed, but I don't know.

I was so worked up over the weekend, I wound up walking around for hours, and gave myself a huge blister on the bottom of my foot. Monday I came to the conclusion I just can't do this anymore, and my 4 hour a day commute, and just accept that I am going to be getting a D.

I have been working on that with my Counsel, and he wants me to go back to the L, before I go to mediation and 'give up the farm' to my wife during D proceedings. I feel he is right, I may be too emotional in the meetings and just give in, not being able to think straight.

I also am going to go to a group therapy with the Counselor as well, I am hoping that will help me work on me.

My biggest issue so far, is fear of being alone, fear of what's coming, fear of not being able to find another person I can love... I can not seem to, at times, get the images and thoughts of my W being with another man in the near future, out of my head! When I have these thoughts, I become so anxious and fearful and hurt, I have a hard time bringing those emotions down. Anyone have any ideas how to work on that? I know it comes from me, but when I look at her, I just can't seem to handle it well..