Her behavior is TOTALLY disrespectful to you Tim. My psychiatrist once said to me, "Your wife has lost respect for you. A woman leaves a man when she loses respect for him." I didn't understand what he meant when he said it because it seemed too simple an answer. But I see it clearly in my sitch now.
My W is often treating me disrespectfully in the past few months and I call her on it. When I do that, I feel better. It doesn't matter to me what effect it has on her, but it does matters how I feel about myself.
One of the fears you probably have is if you take this stand you will just push her out the door. In reality you don't know what will happen. But one thing I can tell you will happen - you will be able to put your head down on your pillow knowing full well you did the right thing and took care of yourself. For all anyone knows, this very stand could turn your entire situation into a positive direction or maybe it won't. We don't know. But I do believe:
When you do the right thing, the right thing will happen.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
NDS, I am on the take a stand for yourself, your M and family bandwagon as well. This is one of those defining moments in your life. It is a loving gesture to tell your W that her behavior is out of line and won't be accepted. Take a stand because you love yourself, your W and your family. You can handle it. Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
In January when I confronted my W abouty talking, texting and meeting her ex for lunch it changed the dynamic of our relationship. I told her it was disrespectful to me, that it does not matter if she thinks its an EA or not I think it is and if she wants to continue it that I am done, gone.
She agreed to go to MC and we are still going.
I am simply trying to back up Ken's point about not knowing where your sitch will lead if you take a stand but I belive it is time to do it.
Thanks for the specific example Tim. Sometimes what looks good is bad, and what looks bad is good. We can't see the intricate and complex web that is woven across the full range of dynamics that are inherent in all relationships. (Did I actually just type that?)
Every time I guess the future the universe laughs its a$$ off.
This is the definition of detaching and having no expectations. It's the antithesis of control (ultimately all control is an illusion) and attempting to 'do' something to trigger an outcome be believe we want.
Tim, you are where you are supposed to be right NOW. Choose the right thing and see what happens. Don't project into the future but rather deal with what's in front of you right NOW.
Always for me, the worst thing (my label) turned out to be one of the best things (my label)in my life and vice versa. Go read the zen story of We'll See...
You can be clear and tell her you taking this stand is not an attempt to control her but rather your need to stand up for yourself. She is a grown woman and can make the decisions she wants to make - but the same holds true for you.
We're all behind you. We all care about you. We all feel for you. We're all hear to help as best we can.
Last edited by steady; 06/11/0903:11 PM.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I think this interaction still follows the script (as Bill pointed out). How she responded was in response to how well you took the news.
I don't think I'd cling to, "I'm the one that knows my wife". Your perceptions are clouded by your feelings. Those of us that have experienced this (and I experienced the long distance EA thing myself)are sitting her thinking, "this is the first step. The cat's out of the bag. She'll move more definitively in one direction now (further away from you and closer to the guy)". I think you should consider what you do when the e-mails and texts continue. We both know that her saying a year ago that she wanted a divorce does not give her license for an affair...even though you've basically said that it does give her that license. Her actions spoke overwise...so this is even more hurtful.
Consider this: What are you going to do if the e-mails, ILYs, texts, and sexual innuendos continues? Sit back and wait for her to work through it? I didn't hear anything definitive in your talk. Did she agree she wouldn't do anything more unless you were divorced? Did she say she'd push for immediate divorce? Or did she kind of imply that she'd see where things with OM goes and kind of let you know? Not a great proposition for you.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Did she say she'd push for immediate divorce? Or did she kind of imply that she'd see where things with OM goes and kind of let you know? Not a great proposition for you.
From what I read from nds above it seems this is the stance she is taking by not 'ruling out' physical contact or even sex. To me, this is unacceptable.(but that's for me and my boundaries) She's basically saying, 'I'm looking for someone else, but in the meantime I'll use you as the fallback guy. When I do find that person I'll be leaving'. This is crazy and just another example of the stupid rationalization that a WAS uses. It amazes me still the stuff my W pulls out of her hat. It's incredible how unbelievable irrational they act and talk.
As I see more of this, and based on my own experience with my W's behavior, I am becoming more convinced that there actually is a 'possessing' entity that enters them and drives them in the direction they are moving. It's weird, but when I look at my W I sometimes get the feeling or intuitive sense that this is what's really happening. It's like something else is in the drivers seat and compelling them to act so irrationally. I guess this is synonymous with the 'fog' that is ofter reffered to here on the board.
nds where are you? Don't make the mistake I've made in the past and move away from the board when it seems you need the most support.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Me too. ....and tell me, why can't I stand up, smile AND tell her to GTFO?
I am still alive folks.
Bill and Deb...don't you dare apologize for speaking your mind and offering an opinion...thank you for being there.
Down, Steady, Puppy, Phoenix, Tim, Coach, Peace, Forrest, Kitty...if I missed anyone I'm sorry....thank you all...thanks for caring..thanks for posting.
I am still doing this day to day...a couple short conversations with my wife about the sitch and a reminder to her that I will not stand back and allow things to unfold the way she had planned.
I told her I will not stand back and wonder who, where and when...and left it at that for the time being.
24 hours...48 hours...as hard as it is, still, to process this..I thought more clearly yesterday for the first time and realize it's only been about about 48 hours since the actual talk and her confirmation of the EA.
There is still a tug of war going on between the anger, mourning and grief.
I have decided that there will be no leaving on my part, but have not come up with enough strength to get to "GTFO".
To keep this short for now, I really just wanted to say thanks to everyone...and Steady..you're right..I do need you guys now more than ever....but I also find myself dwelling when I come here, and that's not good either.
One thing I did want to remind you all of, is...remember I have about 14 months under my belt with the sitch, and over a year on the board.
When I repeated what my wife had told me, I was painfully aware that was not the same woman I thought she was a few months ago. I am also painfully aware that I can no longer believe anything she tells me, or trust her to do the right thing.
But...there is no hate....maybe that will come with the anger and more info and more acts from her that show me who she has become...maybe not.
To me, she is not a slut or lying whore who has been screwing around my back for the past year...or 20 years.
Someone once said on this board "we were each 100% responsible for our 50% of the marriage"...neither of us took much pride in our respective halves for a lot of years.
In NO WAY am I condoning or making excuses for her recent actions, but remember..there is a beginning and an end to everything...her inappropriate behavior had a beginning. It did not start 48 hours ago when we talked, and it certainly did not start 20 years ago when we first said "I do".
nds I feel for you. Reading your current situation brought back the day I was sitting in the MC's office and the words, "I don't want to be married to you anymore" came out of my W's mouth. It certainly was a punch to the stomach. I too didn't start off with anger. More of a, well I guess this is the way it's going. But as time progressed and she wasn't getting what she imagined was her plan for getting out she became more and more angry, bitter, etc... and her behavior toward me deteriorated. That's when my anger started.
Today, most of the time I could care less. (Notice I said most of the time) I'm focusing on what I need to do for me and my kids now. So little time focused on her.
nds you can move through this. People told me that 6 months ago and I'm recently realizing they were right. In the early days, weeks, months I doubted what they said, but now I see. But in the end, it made no difference back then because it was all too raw.
Just a word of warning, not a prediction of things to come: Start making a plan for yourself (this will help keep your mind off the sitch also). Start protecting yourself - money, house, etc... I know you're probably thinking, nah, she won't do any of that - and I made the same mistake. They are capable of doing the unthinkable. Mine morphed into a monster - I don't recognize the woman I knew/know her to be.
I felt the same way about coming here when the rebomb happened - I had a period there when I disappeared, but it was when I needed to be here the most. Just come here and read your own thread. Stay out of the other one's because your mind will move all over the place depending on if the thread is moving north or south. Don't make the same mistake I made.
Come here and dump and do it regularly. Later on, you'll be happy you did.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
