d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

I really blew it last night. I picked up our D4 at his parents house. Later he drove by our house and stopped in. He played w/D4 in the yard and he took her over by the cows. I had a hard time even looking at him because of my meltdown during texting with him. I guess I'm not sure how I feel.

My texting to him was foolish, I let down my guard with him. I complained about $160.00 gift cards he bought for his stripper friend. About the car he bought her, when the one I have to take his daughter around in is about ready to blow up. How he must be her new pimp. That he was foolish and will only get hurt. You name it, I said it. At least with texting he can't see me cry or tone in my voice.

I even brought up the soon divorce, that I will do whatever I can do to not to let it happen. He wants over by june 29, cut and dry, and I told him this is only a pre-trial and it could get postponed. He ignored that text.

Problem is - he's leaving me house and everything. Wants nothing. He is willing to pay all daycare, tuition,meals, later book fees when D4 enters K-12 grade. He doesn't want to pay me child support now cuz he's paying 600.00 / daycare per month. But is willing to pay $50/week when d4 goes to school.
My lawyer says that's a pretty good deal and maybe we should make no waves or the judge might want me to split tuition, medical, all of the above.

Throughout this marriage I never wanted anything from him. I never spent money foolishly (he even said that) I always worried about money and bills. I have all old furniture and never wanted diamonds or gold. The only gold was my wedding ring (which I still love)
So, I guess I go belly up and say ok let it be done. My marriage is over ! Stop trying to save it.

I didn't do a good job of saving nothing last night, for sure. I couldn't even save myself. I just blew the whole thing. I even said that D-4 and I loved him very much and we don't understand why he's breaking up his family. He only texted - u also. I'm thinking he was saying he loved us too? but who knows.

I feel like total crud today. I know I lost it, but for some sick reason I almost feel relieved. Maybe it is for the best that it's done.

I just will have to pick myself up by the "boot" straps and try to live life for d4 and me.

I was foolish enough to even say I hope you miss me and your daughter especially when I'm putting her to bed at night! He responded by yes, I will miss both of you. Then I was really upset. I tested the waters and said if you felt that way why didn't you give me a hug and a kiss when you were here earlier? He texted, I would have, but you didn't ask. Argh !!
Then I said, If I asked you to come over later to snuggle, would you? He said - sure.

I feel embarrased to even be posting all of this, but I guess I need a swift kick in the caboose.

Thanks for listening