WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Kittyfish,

I'm really sorry that you had such a burden to live through as you became you.

Its really remarkable how differently people handle their life experiences. You sound like you have really gathered strength and charachter through yours

I am seeing more of how my wife, externally would portray a very confident, independent woman but inside she was a very scared little girl. I know that she wanted to be loved, but who doesn't. She was also very insecure, but refused to acknowledge it.

I remember how a week or so after we started dating, she had drank too much and gotten sick. She then started crying that I won't call her again and would leave her.

I think that touched me as I know my fault is that need to feel needed to take care of someone. In a sense, that's where my wife was perfect. She was from a small town in the country. She just moved out on her own for about 6 months (first time) when I met her. She had not really experienced the variety of life like I had (I had been on my own since 18, when I left for college).

When I wound up neglecting her (giving her things, instead of feeding her heart), I think she started to feel abandoned again, like when her father left. In this case though, she tried to do something about it. However, she couldn't get me to understand, until she felt it was too late

I know she has some father issues as she had said that one of the reasons why she wanted to marry me was that she felt I was stable, responsible, ambitious and would make a good father. She says I'm still those things but just doesn't trust me anymore

So this is brings us back to where I'm at

I do love her but don't know how to get her trust back. Every time we deal with the divorce legal BS, I feel it drives us further apart.

I feel that if we can just spend time on us, without the distractions, we could find us again.

So, while I'm waiting, I know I need to make sure I am the best CIPA I can be. For me, for my boys and hopefully us.

She didn't call last nite, nor did the boys call her. They didn't ask and they were having so much fun being home again that I didn't want to take away from that experience

I will see her today as we will take our 7 year old to get his cast off. I know I will be the best CIPA I can be when I do see her

So for know, I will continue Dark, but be friendly when we are together