Newcomer requesting advice

[sandi2]

but also makes me feel like less of a fool for not being ready to walk away from this marriage.

I did not see you like that at all. I see a couragous young lady with grace and dignity that has enough spunk to move forward with her life--hopefully with the expectations that her H will wake up and decide to share his life with her.

But, I also know that I come from a back ground that has given me more tools to get through this. So while its not fair and hurts me hugely, I think he might have been doing his best, at first, and then kind of melted down.

I want to tell you that if you were my daughter, I would be so proud of you and how you have dealt with all of this terrible ordeal. Your parents did a very good job in raising you! Again, your maturity comes shining through loud and clear with every post. Not only your maturity, but the compassion you have for your H. A lot of women would feel just as the ones you described about saying he was not there for you, etc. As I stated in the last post, he started out trying to support you and stand beside you, but men do not "deal" with troubles the way women do. So, even though it would be easy to get extremely angry at him and feel that he has deserted you......I still believe he should have a bit of time to try to work things out in his own mind. Maybe it is b/c my own H would not discuss his intermost emotions about things that are hurtful, causes me to think a lot of men have problems in expressing themselves the way we females do. We can talk and cry it out, which is part of our therapy, but "some" men see that as being sissy for a male to do. Maybe your H can talk freely about most things but this just got the best of him in so many ways and made him want to start running and never look back. In "our" eyes this may not seem rational, but it is your H that must work this out in his own way or find professional help with it. That is why I hope his IC will talk to him about it. The fact that he started out sharing plans about the future and then having the meltdown (so to speak) makes me think that the stress became too unbearable. B/c of your background, you were able to deal with the painful facts and go from there to making plans ahead......but you said a mouthful when you said he did not have the "tools" to do what you could. I think it is a wonderful trait you have to be able to see that truth and be so understanding. Someday......he will be very grateful. He may....or may not express that to you.....but he will feel it in his heart.

You were also able to realize that you should not physically or emotionally try to have another baby right away. I heard it said that it takes a woman's body two years to really get over having a baby. Of course, a lot do not give it that much time, but it would be better. Your H probably did not fully understand that aspect of it. You know that my heart goes out to you, but I just can't help but feel sorry for him wanting to have a family of his own. I should not keep bringing that up since I've already talked about it, but it goes back to his upbringing. So sad.

I hope you will never wonder if it was your fault that he turned to another woman or begin to drown his sorrows in his work b/c it was not "you" that he was having a problem with at all. The OW was simply an escape route just as taking drugs or drinking would be for some. Being a former AWAW who had an EA, I understand all too well about those "escape routes". In time, one sees that it is not working and has to find something else of deal with reality. I hope he chooses to deal with reality....and do it in a healthy way. The fact that he is making some progress and facing his parents about things in the past should be very hopeful, indeed. I would certainly see that step as being a move toward a stronger maturity.

I'm glad you specified no post cards, because every once in a while I wonder if dropping him a little note, just to keep me in his mind now would be beneficial

Oh sweetie, he won't forget you for a second! Don't you worry about that. He may be fighting hard to wipe out particular memories, but you will always have a part of him that no other woman could ever hope to hold. However, IMHO, going dark would not only be a time of healing for you (even if that sounds weird) but it will cause him to "miss" you. All LBS worry about their WAS "forgetting" them. But it doesn't work that way. Remember, he loves you in spite of what he may be doing. I know it hurts you that he's with the OW, but don't believe for a minute that he is in love with her.

Regarding the little talk he suggested......that could mean several things. However, let's think positive since he is making some progress with his IC. If you "want" to see him and hear what he has to say, I would suggest you look so great it will knock his socks off! Act friendly and sweet but have the confidence that any man would be lucky to have a wife like you! In other words, don't let your nervousness take control of the time you have with him.

In my personal opinion, I think it is wise to put off the D for at least the time the law allows. That gives both of you time to do some healing and for him to try to find solid ground. If he approaches you with the idea of proceeding with filing, that will have to be your decision. My advice is not to give in to what may turn into an emotional reaction when you hear whatever he has to say. Could be that he is seeing how wrong he has been about his actions and wants to find out more about how you react to him before he talks about what is on his mind. I do think you need to meet with him and find out what is going on.

Better go for now. Will be thinking much about you and will be anxious to hear from you again.

Take care,
Sandi