The first part of that post you quoted was me writing for her - what I thought was actually in her mind. Sorry for the confusion.
I know that woman you love is still in there.
I also have a pretty good idea that she is deep in the throes of the "new love" endorphin rush.
It hurts me for you that you have told her for months that you did not want a divorce, that you loved her and was not looking forward to ending your marriage; that she treated you like a husband and allowed you intimacy with her, allowed you to pick out furniture together, decorate the home together - all the while knowing that she was flirting with disaster.
Yes, you are the one who knows this woman, inside and out. And your description and passion for her has touched me to the point that I have totally embraced the quality woman that you have always described her to be.
But this stuff is not the stuff of a quality person.
Sometimes people change.
Before my ex flipped her gourd, left our home, and began bedding men the age of her oldest son, I would have told you that she was an honest woman, a good wife and an outstanding mother. I would have told you that she had never so much as told me a lie in 20+ years of marriage. And then...well, you know.
I hope this hasn't happened with your wife, but I have to tell you my friend that it doesn't look good. I am absolutely flabbergasted that she would actually tell you that she could make no promises about having sex with this man she's never met. Is sex something THAT casual for the two of you? I mean really, that comment alone just about knocked me to the floor.
I will hope alongside you that there is still reason for hope. The most important thing for you right now is that you make sure that YOU are alright inside and out. If you're giving consideration to sticking in there hoping for a change, you're going to undergo some significant stress and pain. You cannot allow YOU to be affected by HER anymore than possible.
Probably best to prepare yourself for the worst, while holding out hope for the best. Decide what you want to do if things are over, but remain open to her coming to the realization that she has made a huge mistake. You can't afford to be caught off guard like so many others have been on this site.
If she's willing to bed another, you have no idea what she is capable of doing.
To you...
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Bill and Deb Please do not think I do not understand the gravity of what my wife has done, and how this has changed things. I do, and it hurts me to the core.
I have been on this board for over a year now. I have read the horror stories and know what she could be capable of.
Nothing I say, or try to say, is me making excuses for her behavior...or mine for that matter..at this point.
Most people find this site weeks or months after the initial, bomb, WAW or adulterous act.
I was here when it happened, and have yet to wrap my brain around it.
Still in my heart, I cannot believe she was stringing me along all this time so that could find someone else or have someone waiting in the wings to make her escape easier.
I know what I felt and what I saw from her this past 14 months. I also know my gut told me something was not right for the past couple of months and I did not listen to it.
That coincides with her telling me about a chance online meeting with this man who was looking for a relative by the same name(I can explain on alt u).
This was a couple of months ago....for the last 20 years, this woman barely got online to check her email, and we would have arguments because I could not reach her on the cell phone, because it was dead in her purse for days at a time.
She was with me, or she was working or with family. She never hid..she was never unable to confirm where she was and even through the worst times of our marriage, was always quick to let me know..who, what, where or when..without question.
I think I know what I have to do, but it will take a while to deprogram...to mourn the loss of what I thought I was working towards and had this past year.
...and yes..how can I..at this point still not hold out hope that the talk last night made a difference...that she still cares enough about me to back off and allow the marriage to end without consummating a new relationship...and yes I know, there is already a relationship.
Like I said..no excuses..I am not deaf, dumb or blind, but today..this minute..I still have a little hope that she has not crossed over completely.
I would not even say that if she came to me tonight, or next week with a promise and remorse that I could ever feel the same for her again. My brain is still catching up to my heart.
I am unable to say I'm done....I am not able to say I could get past this. I can't control her and right now that is the hardest thing I am dealing with...allowing her to make her own mistakes...and that is exactly what got me where I am now...me wanting to be in control.
How many of us, in our lives, cannot admit to coming so close to the edge, only to realize what we were doing and how it could affect the rest of our lives and those around us. That's how I came to the realization that I had to change if I wanted to stay with my wife...my change was immediate...the awakening that some talk about.
It wasn't perfect and it wasn't 100%...but it was a profound and immediate change, because I knew I had hurt the ones I loved.
Stay with me and don't ever feel I am rebutting anything that is said....this is just where my head is right now.
Tim, Trust me, Bill and I both understand how you are feeling right now. We haven't meant to come down hard on you....but, as your friends, it makes us angry to see what your wife is putting you through.
We feel for you....we know your pain and wish we could spare you further hurt.
Please know that our words come to you from our hearts. And, are not meant to hurt you or confuse you more.
Bill, I hope that it is ok that I spoke for you....lol.
I know this is incredibly difficult for you right now, but your wife has basically asked for your permission to have sex with another man. And every hour that goes by without you doing something, you are giving your implicit approval.
I'm sorry, but DAMN HER. You SO don't deserve this right now. And she SO deserves to be thrown out on her pretty little ass.
"I am unable to say I'm done....I am not able to say I could get past this. I can't control her and right now that is the hardest thing I am dealing with...allowing her to make her own mistakes...and that is exactly what got me where I am now...me wanting to be in control."
Choices are hard. The fact remains that we make them for us. We never know what our choices will make us "swallow". Sometimes it is really hard going down.
Without getting into a long drawn out me picking apart your last few posts...
Why where you drifting?
I ask that question simply because you have said you "slacked" off.
To me your choice is clear.
You stand up and put on your happy face.
or
You tell her to "GTFO."
If ever you wanted things to be clear.. now is the time.
And the silly part is.. it is your choice. You are the leader now.
Think about where you are going. Make sure that you know all the pitfalls.
What are you ready to do?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
She said, although there are strong feelings, she is not naive enough to think that "he is the one". Like she said.."I have never met him..I have no idea what I will feel when the time comes, but right now I feel something".
He will be coming to the area, and she has looked forward to finally meeting him.
She could not rule out physical contact, or even sex when they do meet.
Tim this blew me away. I'm gonna go out on the limb and take a guess here - your intial impulse is to let her do what she wants, work on getting closer to her, try to figure out what you did wrong and try to change it. Been there done that.
The advice given in the past few posts are spot on. Take a hard stand NOW - tell her if she intends on meeting this man with the option of having sex with him (I changed this because even if she told you she will throw away the option you will never know what happened. I would leave it as "if she intends to meet this man she needs to leave". Just the fact she would even entertain the option of sex with him would be a deal breaker for me. But you need to define for yourself what is a deal breaker and what isn't)she needs to leave the house before she does that.
The only chance you have to knock any sense into her (secondary and relatively unimportant at this point) and holding onto your dignity (primary and very important for your self respect) is taking this position. The other one will make you look so weak that any respect that may be there for you will disappear. This stand will allow you to hold onto your dignity no matter which way it goes.
Look at what she is rationalizing. Say they meet and there is no 'coonection' and she doesn't have sex with him. Then what? She is searching for a parachute, a 'soft' place to land. That's obvious. So say that isn't this guy. Her search will continue until she finds the soft landing she is looking for. Is that acceptable to you? It would kill me knowing I allowed this behavior to happen.
Take a stand and take it NOW. Don't wait, don't hesitate. I know the fear that wells up inside of you when you look at this option, but it's the only option that will save YOU. If you don't do this, you will regret it for the rest of your life. You will be comprimising your values, your dignity, your right as a man to stand up and not accept unacceptable behavior.
Tim I am so sorry you are in this position. Lately I have taken many strong stances with my W over so many issues. I even told her last night there was much I let her say and do that I had serious problems with but was so afraid to push her 'over the edge' into a final decision to leave. As I confront her lately I see that my self confidence and my diginity are getting stronger and stronger.
Don't take the 'easy' road of non-confrontation and drawing a line in the sand regardless of the outcome. In the long run it will turn out to be the hard and painful road. Take the road less travelled and you will be glad you did - because when you look in the mirror you will know in your bones you did the right thing as you have been doing. Dont' compromise yourself out of fear of what you think will happen.
You don't know what will happen. Stand up for yourself and life will unfold as it should. Be strong, be corageous (courage is having fear and going in spite of it), keep your self respect. She will respect you more for taking a stand, and if she doesn't, you will respect yourself more - and in my book, that's the most important thing.
Last edited by steady; 06/11/0912:49 PM.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
[quote] Don't take the 'easy' road of non-confrontation and drawing a line in the sand regardless of the outcome. In the long run it will turn out to be the hard and painful road. Take the road less travelled and you will be glad you did - because when you look in the mirror you will know in your bones you did the right thing as you have been doing. Dont' compromise yourself out of fear of what you think will happen.
You don't know what will happen. Stand up for yourself and life will unfold as it should. Be strong, be corageous (courage is having fear and going in spite of it), keep your self respect. She will respect you more for taking a stand, and if she doesn't, you will respect yourself more - and in my book, that's the most important thing.
Bravo! Extremely well said. This advice can be used in SO many areas of life. Tim, This is what you need to do. You should NOT allow to let her choose your path.....YOU choose your path no matter how scary it is. We're all holding your hand. And I truly truly believe life WILL unfold as it should if you choose the high road. She will respect you more. Listen to your soul....what's deep deep down in your bones.
The only chance you have to knock any sense into her (secondary and relatively unimportant at this point) and holding onto your dignity (primary and very important for your self respect) is taking this position. The other one will make you look so weak that any respect that may be there for you will disappear. This stand will allow you to hold onto your dignity no matter which way it goes.
. . .
Take a stand and take it NOW. Don't wait, don't hesitate. I know the fear that wells up inside of you when you look at this option, but it's the only option that will save YOU. If you don't do this, you will regret it for the rest of your life. You will be comprimising your values, your dignity, your right as a man to stand up and not accept unacceptable behavior.
. . .
Don't take the 'easy' road of non-confrontation and drawing a line in the sand regardless of the outcome. In the long run it will turn out to be the hard and painful road. Take the road less travelled and you will be glad you did - because when you look in the mirror you will know in your bones you did the right thing as you have been doing. Dont' compromise yourself out of fear of what you think will happen.
You don't know what will happen. Stand up for yourself and life will unfold as it should. Be strong, be corageous (courage is having fear and going in spite of it), keep your self respect. She will respect you more for taking a stand, and if she doesn't, you will respect yourself more - and in my book, that's the most important thing.
I understand the loss of trust all to well. I still have doubts about my W and the things she may have done. I still question some of the things she says or where she is when she is gone. I also understand the hope you have that what she is telling you is the truth and how you debate all these things in your mind.
But the fact is that a man is traveling a long way to meet her. She has said that sex is not out of the question and you have seen for yourself the erotic emails and texts and all the phone calls. To me she is not hiding it she is putting it right out there for you to see.
I am sorry for that. I am sorry she is doing this to you but you must do what is best for you and to he11 with her IMHO. You deserve better than how she is treating you and at this point you deserve better than her.
Sorry for being blunt but I feel you are in a tail spin and you are allowing her to control the sitch and I think that the ball is in your court as someone stated above.
