Yes sandi she expressed that she was very sad that she had someone and her twin did not sometime in Jan. Sandi, I am a strong person but believe me when I tell you I am heartbroken. I am also still heartbroken over my BIL's death and now I am no longer be around the 2 other ppl that were most involved in that sitch with me. I have a sense I have to be strong because they are not and they have completely reattached each other to their hips, they are not getting IC, and they don't go too many places unless it involves exercise, parents, or errands. I think my wife is perfect for me in every sense. We laughed at the same things, were on the same mental plane, had so much in common, and physically were perfect for each other and our energy levels meshed as well. No not everything was perfect. She is a stubborn woman and a bit of a perfectionist. When I first dated her and moved in a little later I had to ask her to speak up all the time because she was a quiet mumbler. That was from the way she would talk to her twin. I finally worked that out of her a bit. It didn't help that I had auditory problems and problems focusing but we were on the road to compromise there. I also have ADHD and I would lose focus during conversation. But I always made sure I did my best to listen to my W. I showed love and compassion even if I didn't always seem like I followed the conversation or had to have her backtrack. I did have my boundaries established pretty well when she got critical or cranky with me. We always got through our arguments even if I acted passive aggressive and defensive during them (problems i need to work on). Incidently we dated 6 months and then lived together another 6 months before we got married. She asked me if we could get married and I told her yes. She asked me if we could live together after kind of waffling about it saying that she had a hard time living with anyone. She realized that she wanted me around on the nights she thought she wanted space but then missed me so in the latter month of our courtship she asked me to move in. Anyway, before this incident we were very happy with our M. We didn't go out much but we were pretty spontaneous and our nights were filled with laughter and passion.
About the twin. They looked and acted alike through high school. They relied on each other for friendship. IN college they started getting an identity from each other. Even had times they didn't hang out much. They still kept many common hobbies but at least they had some very noticeable differences in attitude, appearance, and lifestyle. The SIL moved to my town first and got a job and had been dating her H by then. My wife followed suit shortly after graduating but lived separately. My W got into a bad relationship with some guy and moved to another city for a week but then he treated her like she was absolutely non-existent during that week so she promptly left him and came back to my area. She found a place after saving up and we met 2 years later on a dating site in a rather serindipitous way. They have very similar frienships mostly due to the fact they went to school in a small town. The SIL had stronger friendships with some ppl though that my W was more casually aquainted with. But they basically ran with the same crowd. The parents are still alive and nearby. They visit them about twice a month. They are both a rather reclusive couple but have been together for years. They think highly of me. They also have a brother that is only 9 mos older. My W and sisters career are pretty different. My W works retail and is an artist and the SIL works in a hospital supply room.
As for my SIL she has depended on my W too much. She didn't want to get in the way of our R and even expressed that when we said we would all move in together. My W asked me to please take her in because she had no one else and pleased asked me to be strong because she claimed to not be all that strong. She told me the night of my BIL's suicide that she would be nicer to me and really valued our R (not that she was all that mean before IMHO.. that happened more between Feb - Apr of this yr). My SIL doesn't seem very happy about our breakup and even has tried to give advice. She just doesn't seem to get that my W and I have had little quality alone time in the last few months.
Other problems my W may have with me. I am sensitive and sometimes clam up if my needs aren't being met. I am very bad during a crisis. I am that way usually but usually finally speak up about it during normal situations. I also get defensive during arguments. I know she hates that. Also I am a skin picker due to compulsions. I am much improved over how I was as a teen or young adult but she admitted it drove her crazy. She was more critical about that after tragedy than before. I probably got worse because I was keyed up after the tragedy. Incidently, my ADHD meds and behavioral counseling have helped that immensly. During the bomb she blamed me for some things and herself for others.. she admitted the living sitch was probably a strain on our M.. Nothing really seemed like such a huge dealbreaker in her bomb... I admitted to her that all that stuff could easily be worked on and of course she got stubborn about it. I stopped that pretty quickly because I discovered DB almost immediately.
Anyway to sum it up it would appear my W just wants to be alone, escape, and not deal with anything right now. My SIL does too but she told me she was not keen on her trying to cut me out. My W admitted she wanted counseling 3 months ago but somehow that has turned into claiming she is not depressed and she doesn't need counseling. She is dysthymic btw so while she may be relieved that I am gone for now her depressive issue is untreated except for being on meds (with no counseling.. her meds are prescribed by a general practitioner)
anyway here is a quote from another post of mine about how our separation occured..
" My W had hinted that I leave asking me if I had talked to friends and family. I took the initiative and told her that I was leaving on 5/22. She seemed stunned by this (said "what about us what do we do?) but I was not surprised because I know a WAW's behavior is never consistent. I left because I knew that was the only way she would be able to regain clarity, get her space, and perhaps wonder why she is driving the man who treated her better than anyone else in the past out of her life. I did this out of love for my wife and it is not anything I would have had the maturity to do in the past. Anyway, I think the problem is I let my boundaries slip with her during our crisis time involving her twin sister. It also seems like she and her twin want to just be with each other and she can't handle being in a marriage. My wife is dysthymic and I believe due to her poor self esteem the she thinks she is not cut out for marriage. Basically she feels smothered between marriage and taking on her sisters grief and somehow fell 'out of love' with me in just a few short months after her twin sister's situation."
Well, is there any other questions? I think I got everything out to the best of my ability for right now. I am pretty worn out now and have been kind of bummed after receiving a text from her (really late btw) when I would get the rest of my stuff. I was not quite ready to deal with that right now as I got a good bit of it 3 days ago. I didn't answer but will tomorrow. I will be too busy to get anything tomorrow and hope I don't anger her but she will just have to understand. Anyway, I teared up during the writing of this reply so I guess my strength only goes so far..
Oh my BIL died only 5 short months into our M. He and my SIL were married 6 months before that and I believe were together 3 years before that??
