Oh Renee.......you made me cry. I have to tell you when I first read a little bit about your stitch I nearly came unraveled to think you have submitted to this treatment. But something was said on another thread about a completely different stitch and it made me realize that just b/c I was raised up the way I was....does not mean everybody has the same "tools" to see situations as they are and know how to deal with them. I do not mean to imply that I am sooooo smart and always know just what to do about everything!! I most certainly do not. However, I was very blessed to have the parents I had and to be given the training I had. You could say that I was raised with a "tough love" approach and my mother's attitude (and my father's also) toward everything in life....infuenced me tremdously. I too have that tough love attitude, but that is not to say I do not have compassion for others. I hope I did not come across as being cold hearted in my post to you, but in a way.....I was hoping to kind of shake you up a bit.
I really did not know if I would ever post to you again or not b/c I did not know if I could ever make any headway......but what you said in this last post has touched my heart and to just cut to the chase here.....let me tell you that you will have "me" to talk to....okay? I am old enough to be your Mamma and you can talk to me about how you feel and the problems you face. My grandmother, mother, myself, and my daughter....have always been very close and talked about EVERYTHING to each other. As I said.....I have been very blessed. Haven't had tons of money, but lots and lots of love. Wouldn't trade it for all the gold in this world!
I knew I was scanning over some of your posts, but I sure misunderstood about you NOT having contact as long as you have. That is a beginning!
I will warn you that I am very different in my personlity and outlook toward MR, the role of the husband and wife, and everything (probably) than you are. But I will try to understand where you are coming from....as best as I can....and try to give you any guidance or glimpse of wisdom that I have gleaned over the years.....if you want me to.
The part that tore at my heart was you talking about your dad leaving and your mom not having time for you. I believe that is your basic problem where your R with your H is concerned. It seems as clear as a picture. As long as you don't play games with me just to pull me along.....and as long as you are honest and at least "trying" to learn and make some changes, then I will try my best to be here for you, Renee.
It blew me away when you said you did not know if it was "cake eating" or not.....and then described your experience of begging your H to let you in the house and trying to make him have sex with you. Last night, that would have really bugged the daylights out of me. Tonight.....well, I feel very sad. You do need help, sweetie, and I am no professional, but as I said.....I will work to try to help you in any way that I can. As you saw, I am plain spoken and I get my 2x4 out when necessary.....but it is when I care. If I don't "care"......I won't bother with the post.
So, there it is......I'm offering my shoulder and my "mom" expertise (lol) if you want it. I probably have never had the experiences from life that you have had......but I bet I've had some bummers that you have not had to endure also. Together maybe we will be able to cover some ground and get you feeling better about yourself.
The way I see this thing is that the core of "your" problem is based on your low self-esteem. Yes, your H is a huge problem (and that is a nice word for him :/) but until you can have self-respect and actually learn to like Renee.....you will not be able to deal with him or anything else successfuly. I may be repeating myself from last night. If I do that occassionaly....just over-look me.....
You have not been intimate with him since he moved in with his GF (which I am very proud of you for that!!)and you have not contacted him in about two months.......BTW, is that this past two months or was it another time? The longer you can go without making contact with him......the quicker you will get stronger. If I am able to help you at all, it will be b/c you trust me. There will be lots of things that I will tell you that will be hard and you may not fully understand "why" but you will have to try and cooperate. I don't mean this to sound like a "power & control" thing going on here. I was thinking more in terms of adopting you as one of my girls......
So.......I will be asking lots of questions. I should just go back and read everything, but it would help speed things up if I could ask specific questions and you answer and go from there.
Okay, so back to the cake eating and your answer to that.....I believe what happened goes far beyound cake eating, sweetie. I do believe that you were scared to death and was so "forceful" b/c your desparation to stop another man (in your life) from leaving you and shuting you out....felt so strong that it drove you to do what you did. Begging him to let you in the house was as if you were that little girl again begging your dad to let you into his life. Almost forcing your H to have sex with you was your way to be assured of his love. You were desparate to have him prove his love right then......and by having sex, that was the proof you needed. But he was so ugly in his treatment to you and it must have made you feel terrible. Anyway, that is what it made me think when I read it again and we will get back to that later.
Renee, I would like to ask a very personal question and you don't have to answer if you do not want to. Remember that nobody knows who you are......which makes us feel safe here. Were you abused by a man when you were young and defenseless? Do you ever remember being a happy little girl?
Did you have bad experiences when you started dating? By that I mean, did you feel that the boys were the ones that broke up with you leaving you feeling rejected and unable to keep a boyfriend? Have to ask lots of questions to find out more.
BTW, I saw you mentioned a son, how many children do you have? How do you see yourself as a mother? Do the children get their traits of self worth from you or their father? I do believe that parents influence that to a huge degree and it takes a very stong, determined person to overcome negative things that would keep their self-esteem down.
You do know that your H is a very selfish man, don't you? Can you "now" look back and see him as a bully when you were living with him? How can he say that you always had to have things your way? I find that very hard to believe when it seems obvious as to who ruled the roost. Did you feel more confident when you were seen as his wife......and do feel like you have lost "something" of your self value after he left you?
I want to talk about Dropping the Rope and tons of other things, but a storm is coming and my H just told me I need to shut the computer down. So, I will talk to you tomorrow.
BTW, you have read the DR book, right?
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
