WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Great job. You see how she changed it to you "yelling at her". She again turned to assume the role of the victim. She totally doesn't see it.

I don't know, maybe you should be upfront and just tell her what her issues are if she's not going for help. Not necessarily now, but soon. My W wasn't getting help either for her issues, just kept heaping them onto me. So I stopped her and put my foot down on HER problems. But rather than saying that they were random problems, I had facts and events that backed them up. She actually listened then.

Thanks Stuck,

This is one conversation, even though it was about a really difficult subject (child support), I feel good about it. I think I held onto my NUTS (I will not be treated unfairly).

I do have to be careful how I do handle it, as she had, in the past, said that she felt that I was lecturing to her or trying to "beat her into submission" with my words. I tried to be careful to not repeat myself (I will NEVER forget how Sandi beat that into ME!) and if I felt that I was heading down a path in the conversation that I was repeating myself, I would say something like "I don't have to explain how I feel about it any further as I've already told you how I feel about it".

When she started to get quiet/sad, I did notice this time as I notice she has done this before when she felt I was just hammering her with my words again. I would just stop talking and wait for her to say something.

When she tried to bait me with stuff from the past a couple of times, I would either say that we had discussed that stuff again and going over it again really won't be productive. Or I'm not going argue with her about that stuff as I don't see how it really helps resolve the issue that we were talking about.

I don't think I have to call her out on her issues again (not letting go of her hurt) as I had done that before and she even brought it up on Sunday during our conversation about how I said that before. I don't think she believes it, but I know she remembers.

I did think it was intersting how after that call, she text me about chit chat stuff (complaining about work), where she hadn't initiated anything like that in a couple of days. Not sure if she was feeling bad, or was trying to play me or what.

I did follow what was suggested is respond to her like I would respond to a friend.

One thing was in one really long text, the tail end of it got cut off.

I then sent her a text message telling her it got cut off, but guessed at the ending.

She said that I got/guessed it right

I told her that I guess I must be getting better at reading her mind

She the responded maybe

I think this is the balance that I am going to create. Dark (no initiation of contact). If she initiates, respond like a friend. If she starts rehashing the past/blaming, I will take the position that we had talked about all that all ready.

I will see her tomorrow when we take my 7 year old to get his cast off (he broke his wrist 3 weeks ago). I will be the upbeat/positive and the best CIPA I can be. I don't know if I should just treat her like a friend or continue to be warm/affectionate limited to non-sexual touching like I had been the last 3 weeks.

Any thoughts?