@lucky Yeah, I need to go there. I've taken a nice little vacation but I need to get back to work.
Meds masking the pain? Possible but that is certainly not the intent. I've been (finally!!!) dx'd with dysthymia (low grade chronic depression) and was happy to learn p-doc has mostly r/o'd bipolar II (need a few more months of stable moods). I have been gray for years with deeper periods of occasional happiness and unexplained sadness, and things were only getting worse . This med and current course of therapy are really the first things that have worked. Yes, we need to experience our pain but I've had too much of it. It killed my enthusiasm for life and love. Thich Nhat Hanh said, "To love is to be there" and we certainly can't begin to love if we don't love ourselves first.
@Thinker Quote: "Being happy in our R is too risky for her as it would open her up to emotional risks and pain. She can't feel happy in our R right now because she does not feel emotionally safe in it."
I feel she's going through the same thing. I get little bits of warmth and emotional releases but overall she's guarded. And now I'm going through the same exact thing.
@city You are the toughest girl I know.
@SP I'm dealing with the dilemma of "tough love" too. How far do we let our loved one fall? How do we remain compassionate and keep the door open?
@Coach Quote: "You can't hurt me if I'm not afraid of you". I thought my "retreat" was a show of confidence ("I'm too strong to show I care") but perhaps it is just a shield from the truth.
@all I'm afraid to be open again to someone who's already walked away. In a sense she told me I wasn't good enough, or valuable enough to stay in her life. One of the things I must do is work through these things; to let the ripples calm so I can see the reflection clearly. Emotions must be free to enter and free to leave. Only then can we understand why they are there.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
LOL! Is that a good or bad thing? Trust me - I spent months in a state of shock and many months after that nothing short of a true mess. But I matter and I know that now. I matter to ME. If you could see me IRL you would probably laugh because I weigh about 105 pounds and I am barely 5 foot 3 and pretty soft spoken.
I had to be tough - for me, my illness, my present and my future. But without my dr.'s, counselors, family, friends and my own sheer will I still would be rocking in the corner in a fetal position
In recent years, my W put up a wall between us, and built her own life - own friends & confidants, own goals, own sources of happiness. I am on the outside, and in her R with me there is no joy, no laughter, no deep discussions of hopes and dreams, no open discussions of needs. I understand this as her defense mechanism. If she isn't happy when we are together, then she can't get disappointed. If she doesn't talk about her needs and dreams, then I can't minimize and dismiss them.
My W has also done this. Sad. We do some friendly things together but I feel I'm on the outside of her world.
I don't minimize or dismiss her needs, but perhaps she doesn't have to be disappointed in me or the way things go if she's not there.
Last edited by orangedog; 06/10/0908:54 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I'm afraid to be open again to someone who's already walked away. In a sense she told me I wasn't good enough, or valuable enough to stay in her life. One of the things I must do is work through these things; to let the ripples calm so I can see the reflection clearly. Emotions must be free to enter and free to leave. Only then can we understand why they are there.
Stosny says that your core value in invincible. The world can cause you expense and inconvenience; it can hurt your feelings and even your body, but it can never harm your core value. It's the source of your inherent value, your strength, your resilience, and your personal power. Nothing your spouse or anyone else says or does can lower your core value. You are worthy of value, respect, and compassion, whether or not you get them from others. If you don't get them from others, it is necessary to feel more worthy, not less!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Short talk with W about kids. Not much other than this gem: W said she hasn't talked w/ BFF all week but saw a line in her email group saying BFF would marry Fling if he asked her. It's official. W thinks BFF is clearly off the deep end.
I just want to yell, "I told you so!"
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
W "I feel like you've been really quiet or standoff-ish this week and I don't know what your deal is. Maybe you're working on something. Or it's just the transition. But if you want to call and talk to the kids or me then go ahead."
Me: "Likewise, you can always contact me. It's just the transition and I'm a little busy. OK, let's try to talk more."
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Had a good evening with kids yesterday. Just wastin' time. Ice cream. Playground. Walking around on the tide flats. Good times. Tucked them in bed and ordered the dog to stand guard against the bugbears. They slept soundly.
--
I'm feeling rotten today. It's not likely the Black Dog but just this emotional struggle re friendship w/ W.
It was so much easier at the house. I could express myself. I could show I care. I feel like I'm one of those people who has to be face-to-face otherwise the emotional connection fails. "Out of sight. Out of mind" isn't working in my favor.
Rhetorical question: She's starting to show concern for my quiet but why am I the one who has to pick up the phone all the time? I've done everything to make myself better and give her all the space she needs. Why I am the one who has to continue making all the investment?
Last edited by orangedog; 06/11/0907:25 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Rhetorical question: She's starting to show concern for my quiet but why am I the one who has to pick up the phone all the time? I've done everything to make myself better and give her all the space she needs. Why I am the one who has to continue making all the investment?
Well, your "quiet" is not what she is used to or what she expects. Your "quiet" indicates loud and clear you are no longer pursuing her and you are detaching and moving forward (maybe not "moving on" but for certain moving forward with YOUR life). You have changed the dynamic (no pursuit and showing signs of acceptance and detachement to her) and she doesnt know how to operate in that dynamic hence her "concern" for your quiet.
You dont have to be the one to pick up the phone all the time (nor should you be unless it is a true emergency about the children). And its up to you what you want to continue to invest in this R... be it a co-parenting R, a friendship R or a romantic R.
She may be realizing she doesnt have you on puppet strings anymore and that might make her nervous. Its real easy for a WAS to have both (the single life and the LBS who clearly still wants the marriage). Once the WAS begins to see the LBS is no longer quite so available, willing and ready to jump when they say jump, well, things change. It either makes them wonder, makes them angry or makes them 'something'. But, I would not even attempt to explain or justify your 'quiet'. She wanted space, she got space and maybe all that space wasnt quite as lovely as she thought it would be.
Like I said - WAS are famous for thinking they can have things both ways. They cant and most LBS allow them to for way too long. That is not a jab at you (in fact, its a jab at myself). Your life right now is about you and your children and those are the two major investements you should be making and growing.
Rhetorical question: She's starting to show concern for my quiet but why am I the one who has to pick up the phone all the time? I've done everything to make myself better and give her all the space she needs. Why I am the one who has to continue making all the investment?
I know you are venting but be mindful of your thoughts. The Black Dog sees your thoughts right now as a big juicy bone. Do you know the ABC technique (it's a cognitive therapy drill)? So let's flip your thoughts: She's starting to show concern - she cares, good news
why am I the one who has to pick up the phone all the time? - why do you have to pick up the phone??????? use the time to do something for yourself
I've done everything to make myself better - everything? everything, always, never - thinking like this leaves no room for opportunity. try this: "I have been working hard for myself and I am bettering myself. I can keep working and will continue to improve myself."
give her all the space she needs. all the space she needs? using that word (all) all makes it over, it's not
Quote:
Why I am the one who has to continue making all the investment?
You don't know what she is doing. If the investment is really about making you the best OD you can then it's win-win.
OD be aware of you thoughts, manage your energy, notice what triggers the down times, coach yourself up when you feel it coming on. You can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Note to self. ABC drill tonight. Write down thoughts.
Thanks Coach. Thanks CityGirl.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
