Bill and Deb Please do not think I do not understand the gravity of what my wife has done, and how this has changed things. I do, and it hurts me to the core.
I have been on this board for over a year now. I have read the horror stories and know what she could be capable of.
Nothing I say, or try to say, is me making excuses for her behavior...or mine for that matter..at this point.
Most people find this site weeks or months after the initial, bomb, WAW or adulterous act.
I was here when it happened, and have yet to wrap my brain around it.
Still in my heart, I cannot believe she was stringing me along all this time so that could find someone else or have someone waiting in the wings to make her escape easier.
I know what I felt and what I saw from her this past 14 months. I also know my gut told me something was not right for the past couple of months and I did not listen to it.
That coincides with her telling me about a chance online meeting with this man who was looking for a relative by the same name(I can explain on alt u).
This was a couple of months ago....for the last 20 years, this woman barely got online to check her email, and we would have arguments because I could not reach her on the cell phone, because it was dead in her purse for days at a time.
She was with me, or she was working or with family. She never hid..she was never unable to confirm where she was and even through the worst times of our marriage, was always quick to let me know..who, what, where or when..without question.
I think I know what I have to do, but it will take a while to deprogram...to mourn the loss of what I thought I was working towards and had this past year.
...and yes..how can I..at this point still not hold out hope that the talk last night made a difference...that she still cares enough about me to back off and allow the marriage to end without consummating a new relationship...and yes I know, there is already a relationship.
Like I said..no excuses..I am not deaf, dumb or blind, but today..this minute..I still have a little hope that she has not crossed over completely.
I would not even say that if she came to me tonight, or next week with a promise and remorse that I could ever feel the same for her again. My brain is still catching up to my heart.
I am unable to say I'm done....I am not able to say I could get past this. I can't control her and right now that is the hardest thing I am dealing with...allowing her to make her own mistakes...and that is exactly what got me where I am now...me wanting to be in control.
How many of us, in our lives, cannot admit to coming so close to the edge, only to realize what we were doing and how it could affect the rest of our lives and those around us. That's how I came to the realization that I had to change if I wanted to stay with my wife...my change was immediate...the awakening that some talk about.
It wasn't perfect and it wasn't 100%...but it was a profound and immediate change, because I knew I had hurt the ones I loved.
Stay with me and don't ever feel I am rebutting anything that is said....this is just where my head is right now.
