I wondered if I could get some advice here. I was fuming last night and this morning so I thought I would calm down a bit before posting!
I don't know how to handle this one.
He sent me this email last night.
Hi, get the standard today. There's an article about (my work)!
Got your message about exchanging. They rang me too. Just wish they would bloody get on with it!
I have only one free weekend between now and mid-August believe it or not, so I have kept next weekend free completely and also reserved a van for both days. Are you happy for me to take some stuff out like desk etc. next weekend? Happy to help you with stuff too.
Sorry we never got round to lunch, I forgot but I've got a gig at the races tomorrow so I'm on a train right now. Next week?
H.
My quandaries are 1. It feels like he has all the power over this lunch thing. It was just supposed to be a casual lunch set up a few weeks ago and I feel crap about it. I know it has been a horrendous work week but a quick email/ text a bit earlier to say sorry but he was away on Friday wouldn't have hurt. I hate this leaving everything to the last minute, it makes me feel as if my life revolves around him and I hate that!
2. About a month ago we had a long discussion about how he would help me move. Hire a van etc and do it together. Now, from this email, it seems to be all about him. I won't be able to find somewhere and be ready by next weekend. It seems to have turned back to all being about him again (was it ever not??). How do I get this across that it doesn't solve the problem of how I am now going to move (yes I could hire a firm but I don't have the money and the other guy I had to help now has other plans as I said I didn't need him).
3. H sent me a text this morning asking if I got his email last night. WTF?? I don't respond instantly and he pursues. When I want something, nothing. I have just ignored that text and don't intend to respond- a 180 for me, or spite I'm not sure.
It was funny because I spent the last few days being jealous of ow and I got that email and just thought 'yeah, good luck ow'. I took off the rose coloured glasses and realised, yes he has always been like this (I remember instances with his parents etc) however he wasn't with me. I suppose as I am no longer special I am lumped with the 'I'll be crap with you generally' people.
What do I do with that email? How do I get him to move me? And what do I do about the lunch question.
What I want is To discuss things with me instead of informing me. For him to help me move my stuff into the new place. Jody suggested I invite him along to view places with me (perhaps this could be instead of lunch which I don't even want to do anymore).
Sigh! P.S - on the plus side, work is going really well, I should finish all my packing tomorrow and it is my nieces christening this weekend where I will be god mother and my friend had a baby today! Life isn't all that bad then!
Sorry you are 'fuming'.. although I'm not sure why exactly. You may be placing too much importance on these interactions with him and I can hear the expectations in your post? Perhaps you are hurt.. becuase he is now saying he is getting booked up... making it clear in yuor mind that he is getting on with his life?
I feel I want to say this to you, as your friend.. I think you should let go. Really let go. You are only 26 and I cant see how this ongoing situation is healthy for you in the long run? I mentioned "framing" to Mish and my C said that to me about bf.. I needed to reframe him as he actually is, not how I wanted to see him. Funnily enough, I am more able to do that now we are back together. Your H appears to have moved on, BUT does want to remain your friend. Thats how I frame him.. but I am at a distance. How do you have him framed in your mind and what does your intuition tell you?
I dont see anything bad in his email to you..As for your stuff.. I think you should move it yourself. Even now me and bf are back together I have ZERO expectation that he will help me pack up this house and move out, even though we are now a couple again and this is all our joint furniture. I dont think you have the right to expect him to help you move and I cant see how it would help your goal to get him to want you back.. I feel it may make him feel a little resentful in fact. Be a strong, independent woman, who can cope and doesnt 'need' him and sort out moving all by yourself. How about if he offers to help, say, no its ok, I can manage thanks, but it would be lovely to go for a catch up drink sometime instead??
Friends is what you are aiming for and friends shouldnt put unrealistic expectations or obligations on each other.. if they are happy and willing to help you move house and turn up, all well and good.. but most friends dont do this.. they just come to the house warming party afterwards !!
Ok.. 1. If your life revolves around him and things are left to the last minute, thats your choice and your responsibility and not his fault. He isnt responsible for your feelings anymore as he did when you were a couple. If a friend cancelled lunch because of a work thing, would you be fuming? No, you'd say, hey, hope it goes well, catch up soon...
2. It IS all about him for him, because you have split up and are no longer a couple. If you cant afford to move.. get your friends/family to help out with car loads, or hire a cheap van (�35 a day is typical)?
3. I think the follow up text was possibly because he has left a weekend free and booked a van and as its now Friday and you hadnt replied.. he needs to know if he is or isnt moving his stuff out this weekend. I dont feel that he was pursueing you, I think he just wants to know if its ok or not. I dont think you will gain anything by not responding to it by saying yes it is, or isnt ok for him to come move his stuff this weekend.
I'm sorry it still gets to you, I'm not surprised.. it always got to me. I realised I'd never really let go and be ok about it until I fell in love with someone else. So I do understand.
xxxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Julia, I am going to make my best attempt and helping with the quandries, but I don't know if I'll be very objective seeing as how I'm ROYALLY PISSED at your H right now!
1.He only has whatever power you choose to give him. So he's totally inconsiderate....not new, right? I know you try to hope for better from him but he keep proving himself to be a self-absorbed f*tard. Sorry, that's just the way he seems to be living his life. Forget the lunch. More discussion about logistics or the house really isn't going to resolve anything.
2.Yup. All about him. He isn't concerned with how you are going to move because that would not be... ALL ABOUT HIM. I would suggest that if you do talk to him (or text or email) that you tell him to come and get his things as well as making arrangements for a service to move you when you are ready since this it's only necessary for you to move because of his actions....ok, sarcasm doesn't come through very well in written form! Don't really do that! I'm at a loss as to how to handle your move on your own. Can your friend come help you on another weekend? Do you know anyone that owns a truck or van? Anyone who drives a truck or van for a living and could arrange to borrow it for a weekend? Do you have anything like U-Haul or Ryder truck rentals there?
3.Yeah, I like the not responding. You are not at his beck and call.
The lunch question? Hmmmm......again, I say don't respond. He can't give you the courtesy of canceling or giving adequate notice of a change, you don't need to respond to his rudeness.
Ok...this probably isn't sounding very nice. As a matter of fact I KNOW it doesn't. However, you have proven you are a strong, independent woman. He is treating you like crap and he doesn't deserve any courtesy from you either. Like for like.
A Godmother??? Fabulous! HUGE responsibility. You'll have to post pics in the alt. Love a good christening.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
What I want is To discuss things with me instead of informing me. For him to help me move my stuff into the new place. Jody suggested I invite him along to view places with me (perhaps this could be instead of lunch which I don't even want to do anymore).
Unfortunately, I don't think there's much chance that you get what you want.
He isn't going to discuss things with you. It seems to me that he wants to be in control of your interactions, and your opinion doesn't count for much.
The only way he is going to help you move is on his terms. Is that really what you want? I'd make another plan, and when he mentions it just tell him you have it covered.
It feels to me that you have been better served when you see him less. Am I reading that wrong?
(((Ali))) What you said about expectations etc reminded me of something you said on your post about it coming across that way as we post on here about that particular situation in our lives so it amplifies it. I don't have expectations. I guess the thing for me is I had every intention of doing it myself however he offered on three separate occasions to help me with anything to do with the move. When he said he had access to a van he offered to move my stuff for me. It was on the third occasion I said yes. Jody said he needs to do this to feel less like a shmuck in the hand he has dealt me and relieves his guilt. Now I feel confused as to whether he even remembers that conversation/ conversations?
I don't hold stuff over him, I'll admit it bothers me he is booked up but really he can do what the hell he likes, it isn't my concern anymore. That is my general attitude. People would say I am a very strong, independent woman. I single-handedly run a charity and have done since the age of 26, this is one of the things H admires about me (and I can still use the present tense for this) and I allowed him to help me not the other way around.
I do frame h as a friend who has moved on, however I aspire to more, to move onto the next stage.
With regards to lunch if he did cancel me I would rejoice that at least I'd got an answer or response that firms up some plans. That isn't the issue. It is the non-response and then waiting till the very last minute to let me know he can't do something. If he cancelled those are probably the very words I would say.
The text wasn't refering to this weekend. He is playing at the races. It is next weekend he wants to move his stuff.
As to letting go... For the next month or so we are entangled in this house no matter what my feelings/ hopes or aspirations for him are. I want to handle whatever comes my way in the best, most solution-based way possible. If it improves the h situation then great, if it stays the same, fine, if it gets worse, well then I tried my best. I haven't mentioned my long term goals in my thread above, this is dealing with the here and now. As you said there is no magic off switch, for me anyway. I'm getting through this process the only way I can. I seem to remember people saying that stuff to you and you being mightily offended by it and finding it unhelpful. Look how your sitch has turned out? I really don't see what age has to do with it. He is my husband regardless of age, why would my commitment be different if I was 38 not 28. This process is a personal thing and we each give it the length of time we need.
You are right in saying that I shouldn't have relied on him, however he gave me every reason to. I will have to rope in friends and family to do it if necessary.
(((Mishka))) Thank you for always supporting me, it means a lot!
You are right that he has whatever power I choose to give him. However this wishy washy arrangement thing annoys me so much. The thing is, it gets better for a while and then comes back again. I can't identify if I do anything wrong therefore I come to the conclusion it isn't me, it is him therefore I can only control my reactions. I think this may be my chance to show him that if he treats me respectfully he is rewarded with my attention if not, it is withdrawn, hence not texting back.
I would love to see the look on his face if I suggested that - the thing is he probably would pay for removals people because of his guilt. That isn't what I want, I want him to be a man and step up. I'm going to ask around, I'm sure I can get a few people if I need to.
I will post pics, my sister is lending me a fabulous outfit which I am excited about wearing!
Sigh! Good question about being better served seeing him less. Yes, when he behaves like this but when it is all ok we get on great and he is especially helpful as a sounding board for work. I just hate being put in this position but I don't think it has happened for a while. Maybe it is me that needs to get better in control of myself for dealing with these things. I think when the house is gone it may be easier.
I think you may well be right about getting what I want, I will be quiet this weekend and see if he comes up with anything next week.
I have just been told by the solicitors that the exchange has been delayed till at least Tuesday. This is dragging on and stressing me out but I will try and take the weekend off and enjoy my niece and family.
