Where to start?

[dmkdmkdmk]

And I'll only be able to take 6 weeks off of work, because all of "our" extra money is going to his separate life.

Thanks a lot, H.

And he just called to let me know he had gotten the keys to his apartment and would probably be staying there tonight. I told him DD was sick. Like that would make a difference, I'm the only one who needs to lose sleep to take care of my family, right?

Hello, anger. And he's probably going to take the laptop with him tonight so there goes my "lifeline". I'm just going to go cry and get it out now before he comes home so I can be all cleaned up and nonemotional.

[dmkdmkdmk]

All right, shiny new morning...

I did my ten minutes of crying after H left. Not even because I love him and he's leaving me, but just that he's leaving me trapped in a life that he had so much say over, and now I'm just stuck there until he figures out what he wants to do. Frustration and anger, not sadness this time. Not really feeling the love...

I didn't sleep so well last night, I kept having bad dreams...

The last one I had before I woke up was that my mom had done a complete 180 and no longer cared about her family, and my siblings and I were trying to figure out what to do about it. The consensus was to wait it out, and someday she'd be our mom again.

I'm at work, I have some forwards from H, he just called my cell but I didn't pick up. I'm sure he is checking on DD, or he has some kind of "task" for me...

Last night I mentioned that I had invited a recently divorced friend along to my sushi girl's night. She and H had been good friends in high school, and married another one of H's good friends. H talked to that friend last week, and that friend was trying to reconcile with XW.

H asked if I knew why they had gotten divorced? What were the prospects of reconciliation?

I said - XW had a baby, and suddenly she had to take care of a baby, her husband, the house, work full time, completely lost herself. She is much happier now - she actually has a life of her own - and she doesn't want to go back to that.

H said it sounds familiar. Hopefully it will make him think a little bit - if I get too used to doing my own thing, I really might like it too much.

I'm starting to reconsider the prospect of him being in the delivery room. I think I'd rather do it myself just to show him I can.

[dmkdmkdmk]

H has already called me twice today, just to see how my day is going, see how Megan is doing. I was cheerful. No "how do you THINK I'm doing" or other snarkiness. Probably helped that I read a big chunk of Divorce Remedy before I went to bed.

He wants me to go see his apartment tomorrow. I will, I guess, just to play along or whatever. I've had friends who've lived in that complex before, it's not great. I've told him before that my babies will sleep in their own beds, so anytime he "babysits" at night it has to be at our house.

I'm getting lawyer recommendations just to be prepared. Is this a good idea, or should I wait until that's where it is?

[Ready2Change]

The more knowledge of relationships,divorce procedures etc the better. I spoke to a lawyer early to understand my rights. Get a list of questions and go see three layers if possible.

[Ready2Change]

Keep reading as much as you can (see my list on my first post of my thread).

I just finished reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne and highly recommend reading it right after DR.

[dmkdmkdmk]

Thanks for the list! Back to the library after I finish reading DR!

It's H and my day off today, DD is napping upstairs, H is snoring on the couch, and I'm catching up on my DB message board for the day... H is "stuck" here because his car is getting worked on. I'm sure the couch is more comfy than his sleeping bag on the floor of his apartment anyway. He ordered himself a bed.

He didn't come over at all last night - I admit I smirked when he said he wasn't coming over - and I tried to play it off as amusement at something DD was doing. I think he saw right through me. He said "You're thinking 'It's starting already'." Well, yeah... I'm the one who was stuck with a snotty baby who didn't want to go to bed all evening! I just don't get where moving out was the best thing for him to do right now... He said his coworkers say that moving out is the best thing to do even if he wants to work on the marriage. He works with a bunch of divorced guys. OK, one is married.

It just starts to feel like every day I'm starting over, giving myself that pep talk to be cheery and not bitter. Not resenting the fact that now I'm 100% responsible for the house and the kids, and he gets to come and go.

On the upside, we've laughed a lot today, joked around about many things. I do start feeling a little wounded about the separation, and then I try to suck it up and keep moving forward. And just be happy that we're going to counseling a week from Wednesday. And I look really cute today. And I'm going out with my girlfriends tonight for sushi. And I'm going to get all dressed up tomorrow for my cousin's wedding.

On the downside, one of H's coworkers/buddies was killed in a motorcycle accident yesterday.

[Ready2Change]

Sorry about your loss...HUGS

Be positive all weekend. Stay in the NOW and enjoy every minute of dinner tonight as well as every minute of the wedding. Focus on the good things that are happening. Remember them. Post them back here for us.....Enjoy the experience.

[dmkdmkdmk]

I really did enjoy going out to dinner with my friends. My friends are excited that they have me back. I didn't realize that my 'depression' really carried over into the one or two times a month that I hung out with my friends, but I guess it did. We ordered a ton of different sushi rolls and just sat and BSed for hours. It was great.

H didn't spend the night last night, he ended up going back to his apartment when I got home. I think his bed is supposed to be delivered today.

I'm just having one of those days when I'm so angry about everything that I can't even breathe. I don't want to go to my cousin's wedding today. I'm just sitting here crying because I miss my husband/best friend. Because I hate the person that he is today. Because I feel so angry every time my baby moves that I cannot even enjoy this pregnancy at all. Because we were pretty happy less than three months ago - and now it seems like he's rewriting history in order to make it easier for him to not love me.

He got so mad at me last week for venting to friends over email - and one thing that I said that I said I didn't mean at the time - was that he was acting like his "narcissistic b-word mother" because he was prioritizing his happiness over the well-being of his family. You know, I totally meant it. He can discount the effect of his mother's craziness and his parents' crappy marriage on his current outlook as much as he wants, but if he'd had REAL role models (instead of all of his bitter divorced friends) he'd probably be looking at this the same way I am... that every marriage has ups and downs and the feelings ebb and flow... I could have sworn several times throughout my childhood that my parents would split up, but they never did and after 30 years they are happy.

In the time H and I have been together, neither of us ever even slept on the couch until last week.

I know I just need to give it more time... maybe more time for H to see that I'm not going to drop back into hormonal crazy mode.

I did tell him yesterday though - "You're a big boy, you're on your own now. I'm not going to be your errand b---- anymore." (this was said jokingly). But I meant it - I'm going to make sure our joint bills get paid, but everything that is for his "new" life he will have to deal with. He told me that his electric bill was going to be put on the one that is sent to our house, and he figured we'd split everything by half - I told him "No - you pay your bills and half of the house bills." He said "But I can't follow you around now to turn off the lights when you leave the room!" Well, who made that choice?

Oh well. Just venting so that I don't unload on him at all. I don't think I want to talk to him today until later, so I put my phone on vibrate and put it away.

One thought I'm having - how honest should I be about my feelings when we start MC?

[Mach1]

One thought I'm having - how honest should I be about my feelings when we start MC?

Imperative for you....Honesty is YOUR key...

Just let it come to you before you interject it.....

How is that needlepoint coming along ?

[dmkdmkdmk]

LOL, I think I am better off c&p in word with some pretty colors and fonts :-) Too busy chasing a toddler and trying to keep a house clean to sit down anymore!

I know, when the time comes, to actually be honest and not lash out and try to be hurtful. Until then I am just being... My friends say I'm a lot more "myself" since last week, which is good to hear. Not much feedback from H - I think he's still trying to figure me out.