We also have separate accounts due to him having been irresponsible with money in the past, and all of the savings are in my name. He is hard core about paying down debt right now so he's not going to be opening up any credit cards or anything to finance his adventure here.
Geez. If we make it through this, I will use some of my savings and we're going to go on a vacation. A real vacation (our last was a camping trip in South Dakota in 2006).
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
We, as people, go through several periods in our lives where we transition from one stage to the next.
We experience it from infancy to being a toddler
From a toddler to an adolescent
Adolescent to a teen
Teen to young adult
Young adult to a responsible parent
Then we switch from that to Middle age...
Sometimes these transitions go smoothly, and sometimes, people get stuck in them. I think that it is fairly normal to become stuck at one point in life.
Most people process this normally, one hears a lot of stories of a rebelling teenager, and we can ALL relate to that.
If there is an obstacle blocking a normal transition earlier in life, then THAT process gets delayed and hence it is skipped, only to be replayed later in life by that person. The process HAS to happen for that person to move on, therefore, it is re-visited.
That is the overwhelming need to relive something that they feel they missed earlier.
Most MLC'ers, or TLC'ers ( transitional life crisis ) people have the need to find that missing piece to their puzzle, something that just doesn't quite fit in with the rest of them.
Starts as a depression, and by then, the wheels are turning so fast, that it cannot be stopped once the process has begun. It HAS to play out. Some make it....Some don't
Anyone that applies any "rational" thinking to them, gets cast aside for "better" friends.
Not so sure that logic and rational thinking can be used in the same sentence as MLC.
Selfish behaviour totally envelopes them that it is almost paralyzing, because this is THIER journey to take.
So basically, I think that a crisis is a crisis at any age....
We, as people, go through several periods in our lives where we transition from one stage to the next.
We experience it from infancy to being a toddler
From a toddler to an adolescent
Adolescent to a teen
Teen to young adult
Young adult to a responsible parent
Then we switch from that to Middle age...
Sometimes these transitions go smoothly, and sometimes, people get stuck in them. I think that it is fairly normal to become stuck at one point in life.
Most people process this normally, one hears a lot of stories of a rebelling teenager, and we can ALL relate to that.
If there is an obstacle blocking a normal transition earlier in life, then THAT process gets delayed and hence it is skipped, only to be replayed later in life by that person. The process HAS to happen for that person to move on, therefore, it is re-visited.
That is the overwhelming need to relive something that they feel they missed earlier.
Most MLC'ers, or TLC'ers ( transitional life crisis ) people have the need to find that missing piece to their puzzle, something that just doesn't quite fit in with the rest of them.
Starts as a depression, and by then, the wheels are turning so fast, that it cannot be stopped once the process has begun. It HAS to play out. Some make it....Some don't
Anyone that applies any "rational" thinking to them, gets cast aside for "better" friends.
Not so sure that logic and rational thinking can be used in the same sentence as MLC.
Selfish behaviour totally envelopes them that it is almost paralyzing, because this is THIER journey to take.
So basically, I think that a crisis is a crisis at any age....
Mach1, that seems very relevant Although I'm trying my best not to be "inside" my H's head...
A few weeks ago we were talking about responsibilities. How draining they are as of late, for both of us... How there have always been responsibilities for him for almost 10 solid years now...
H and I started dating when I was 19 and he was 20. He was a typical fun stoner-dude type down to long hair and hemp sandals (yet very politically conservative!) and I was a college student right out of 12 years of Catholic school. He could afford to live on his own working 15 hours a week. He had a good party life for a little while.
H's dad died within a few months of us starting to date - there was an incident prior to when we were dating and he was in a coma/hospice for several months. H was very close to his dad.
H's mom has a personality disorder of some kind that prevents her from thinking of anybody but herself. Around the same time that H's dad died, H's mom was selling drugs out of her house while my 13-year-old BIL lived there.
H made BIL move in with him, bought a house, and he took care of him off and on for the next several years (he would get sick of H's rules and move back in with MIL only to move back when things got too crazy over there). BIL moved out for got shortly after H and I married.
When we were married we started having financial trouble. We both were working full-time, and I was in school full-time - then when I finally was done and free he wanted to join the military. Then our daughter was born. Then we decided to buy a house, and conceive another baby, and that's where we are today.
H didn't really get much of that time in his early 20's where he could party with his friends and go out and do anything because he was raising a teenager. He's always been the kind of guy who likes to have guy friends, and he hasn't had much of that since around that time, and the tends to cling to it when he has it.
I've been really pushy about it over the past few months because "I'm Pregnant!!! Pay attention to MEEEEEE!!!" and I think that is what pushed him over the edge - otherwise it would just be normal stressors. If we hadn't gotten pregnant again things might be OK - but I wouldn't have the self-realizations that I've had over the past few months...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
We moved in January and I'm still sleeping on a mattress (there is the metal frame underneath) but we have no bedroom set.
I'm thinking about splurging a little bit, or financing it a little bit - just to change my scenery in that room. It would definitely make the bedroom a place that doesn't remind me of him. That would be nice...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
H called me on the way home - he was a bit put off and worried about when we were talking about the counseling when I was at work. I was at my desk and I was being very vague about everything because I don't want my coworkers to know my business.
I had said something like he could come with me to see if that worked for us - he asked it I meant that that particular counselor worked for us or if counseling in general worked for us and I said both.
He sounded like he was worried that I might not be thinking of this as temporary any longer. He said he has been a bit concerned because everything I've been doing for the past week is so different than what I've been doing forever. He's worried that the hysterical breakdown is right around the bend, I guess...
I told him no - I've seen what doesn't work. It doesn't work for me to cry, for me to beg, for me to reason with him or try to get inside his head. I told him I'm dealing with this right now by working on me instead, instead of trying to work on him. That I'm having fun making plans for my life. He said I had become where I wasn't even a person anymore. I acknowledged that it must have been very frustrating for him, that I realize that I didn't do well at integrating my new role as a mother along with my other roles. But that I'm doing what I have to do now to be happy as me - and I'm going to roll along with his need for space and to separate, and we'll see how things go from here.
He uses the word "temporary" more. We watched the Colbert Report when he came home and laughed together for a while. We joke more. He said he wasn't going to take any pictures with him to the new place - that would make it seem too permanent. I joked that his girlfriends might not like to see pictures of his wife and kid... He doesn't want to get a TV because he feels like he'd just be throwing it away in a few months anyway.
We joke more. Things feel lighter. I think the separation will be a good opportunity for us both to grow.
I would like to believe him. He usually doesn't say anything he doesn't mean. He certainly hasn't spared my feelings for the past few months, so I don't think he'd be feeding me a line... But I know he's going to be skeptical for a while about the changes I'm trying to make for myself, and I can be patient with that.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
It's like - I'm hoping I didn't show too much of my hand... but I wonder if it helps him relax that he knows I'm not about to blow up. I told him I haven't cried about anything, no hysterical breakdowns for at least a week. That I'm just going with it to see how things end up.
It actually feels good to talk to him.
He had said "if I had fallen asleep and napped all evening you'd be pissed at me, but last night you let me nap". I said - well, you had a long day and you were tired. (Not too long ago we had WWIII because he napped b/c he was out late with friends, and I was hungry and my need for food had to be met NOW!)
I like that I'm surprising him.
Oh, and I picked up Divorce Remedy at the library today. I'll have to make some time to read that tomorrow...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
It really does help to know that something I'm doing is actually getting to him. He says I've gone from one extreme to the other. So he's definitely noticing the 180 - it helps keep me motivated to keep it up!
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I know I'm a little tired today - I was watching my 6mo nephew in addition to my DD. I haven't really had much to eat, and my DD is getting sick again. She's really whiny today and I'm feeling really impatient.
Plus H is out furniture shopping for his new place. Nothing big, just a bed and a couch so that his place isn't totally empty - but it still stings. Like I can't actually believe he is doing this to me, no matter how temporary he calls it.
I'm making the decision to formula-feed the next baby - H is completely against this but I just want my body back at this point. I absolutely HATE that I am completely resenting this pregnancy. My mom was talking to me today about how excited she is to see if this baby looks like our first, if she has dark or blonde hair, etc. - and I just don't care anymore. I feel so sad about that. I know H will be just as in love with this one as he was with DD when she was born, but I'm afraid I just won't care then either. I'll be stuck at home with all of the work of two kids, 24 hours a day, and H can come and go as he wishes.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Although I'm trying my best not to be "inside" my H's head...