and u know what? if it rattles him to finally make his true decision to come home, a separation agreement is just that - a separation. not a finality. does not have to convert to a divorce.
i think its what u needed for u, and if in the end it shocks him back to reality and to you, then good.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Yea guys, agree completely. So H calls back and says that he doesn't want to lose me and that we talked about that he's fixing things and that he wants to be back home and if ow could find a place tomorrow he would be happy, but he told me it would take time and he's spoken to my mother and she said to take time. Bs bs bs. Oh and why spend the money for the agreement when it could be paying bills, etc. I was actually very nice. I told him that I need to protect myself legally and financially and I'm not sure where this thing is going to fall and I need to protect myself financially as well and the agreement will put all that into proper order. I told him that I didn't want to have to spend the money either but its the cheapest route to go instead of the divorce. I even mentioned that as time goes by I feel like he is losing me and that look a few months ago when people mentioned a sep agreement I didn't want to but now I am so comfortable with it and I could see myself getting comfy with the doing the divorce as well. Then I used my quote "if you starve it it will die" and that our R is starved and this is the best thing right now. And I do believe its a good move. He even talked about how in our R I never listened to him and how that made him feel and that's what I'm doing now - doing my own thing. I know he has some validity to what he says, but he's making excuses. I'm tired of his empty talks. I also told him that he could take the time to fix his stuff but I need to do this for me. I also got to tell him that H you know me and I can't sit on things too long. Some people can do this forever, but my personality is not made to sit on things too long - he knows too well that I'm a go-getter. He said yea I know you've been waiting too long.
So enough said. My money has been paid and my attorney is drafting the agreement. I gotta do this. Only god knows how long this will go on for and H is still on the fence and not putting my best interest at heart so I have to think of me. It's been 9 mths separated already.
I saw he called my phone again but I won't even bother answering, this is a done deal.
who knows, he may come back and u wont even want him then!
good for u vicky, really doing something for u.
they say u cant help how u feel and that u cant make yourself ready for something until u are truly ready.
and it seems u are ready.
looks like a good move on your part, protecting yourself and asserting yourself.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Yea. Not sure about the getting back thing. But I'm also not sure how long this separation is going to last and I will be nervous as even even getting back together. Piecing is scary and I don't think he is even in that mind set. I've been reading a book about the teachings of the Tao that says don't try just allow things to happen in your life so I'm trying to embrance that concept. Hard for me since I tend to push things but a great concept.
How are you all doing? I've been reading threads but haven't written much. Really because there wasn't much to update. Up until this morning, I hadn't spoken to H since last Wed. So I have an update I just had to share.
So, yesterday I went over to my inlaws to visit. My cousin in law babysits H's son and his sister some weekends and the kids were. So while I was talking to FIL, the two kids came up stairs and the little girl, whose about 6 said who's that. And I asked do you know my name. But they were just there peeping at me from a distance and stayed away from me. Anyway, I didn't think a big deal. So they kids ususally go to the basement and watch tv and they were down there for a long time all alone. I got worried since they are only 6 and 4 so I went down to check on them. The girl then said to H's son, don't talk to her, she's mean. I said mean, I'm not mean. I said you don't know who I am. And she said yes I do you're "Vicky" and I knew that was you. She then said my mommy told us not to talk to you because you're mean. So I said what did I do that was mean, and she said, "you married our father." Yes, a 6 year old girl said this and who is not H's child either. I just said but I knew your father for a long time. And I left them alone.
So then I was on quest to be extremely nice to the kids, don't want any kids thinking that I'm mean, and I just love kids. Later on H's son came crying because he hurt his head and no one at h's family was paying attention to him and he left the room crying so I went and got ice for his head. Checked in back on them later. Ask if they were hungry, and got them juice from MIl, etc. I think I even made headway b/c H's son came and said later "Vicky" I hurt my hand. And I rub it and ask if its all better now.
Anyway, that said, I know the kids would report to OW that I was there with them and at about 12:15, while I was asleep my phone ran, private call. Jumped me out my sleep. I answered and it was OW, saying "let me tell you something." All I did was click, hanged up my phone. She then called back and I set it to voice mail. I then turned off the ringer and tried to fall back to sleep. But HOW DARE HER? What the heck is she calling me for, she doesn't have any right to pick up her phone to call me as she feels the need. We are not friends or even acquintances like that and we have nothing to say to each other. This little girl is very bold. She's sending her kids to my family who don't even pay them much attention when they're there and she can't even go there and then wants to dictate whether I interact with them while they're at my family's home. Is she out of her mind?
I know I'm not consistently good at DB and setting boundaries, but this time I am determined to set the boundary for this little girl to know that she doesn't have the right to call me. I have been there done that. Don't call me, tell my H whatever it is you have to say to me and I may or may not answer his call. Shoooot! I no longer want that girl to disturb my peace anymore - I was even mad that she had the balls to even call me and at that hour of the night or morning. She can run H's life but not mine.
Anyway, so I called H this morning and told him that he needs to tell "his woman" not to call my phone. He hated the "his woman" part but that's what she is - cake eater hates to admit that. Anyway, he had no clue that she even called me. Little chicken talks about how he even refuse to talk to her because he's tired of fighting and he just wants to come home cause he's exhausted. We had a decent conversation though b/c I started to tell him about his son's "ugly" face that he makes when he cries. We laughed it over. He instead thanked me for looking after his son yesterday. He said, "I thought you didn't care." I told him that its kids and you know how I feel about kids.
At the end of the conversation he said I just want a chance to work on my marriage and will I give him that chance. Usually I would go into you need to move first, blah blah blah, but I just didn't have the strength, I just said yes. Then he said, are you on board with that, I said uhuh. But I know very well I will do what I have to do to protect myself. My attorney should get the sep agreement over to me this week and I am planning to proceed with that until things made tangible changes.
Anyway, that was all... but is she crazy or what.
By the way, this website is really helpful b/c normally I probably would have engaged with OW. Just reading Sugar's thread about her interaction with OW gave me the encouragement to know that don't do it. We each learn from each other's sitch. Thankssssss!!!!
if she called your cell phone, u can block her number from reaching you, just call your provider.
yeah, its better not to talk to the ow. i had ignored the calls for so long, but sometimes, u do have something to say, like i did recently and i allowed myself to talk.
keep me posted on your separation agreeement.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
she calls my cell phone but blocks her #. I don't have her # nor do I even want it. Even better for me b/c sometimes it is tempting to want to tell them what's on your mind. So now that I have no clue what her # is, there is no temptation. And I have done that numerous times with this girl. I'm tired of the crap. And I think she loves having the arguments, a cursing each other, so I don't want to give into that. I'm suppose to be the older and dignified one. I really need to maintain that but it sure does get tempting. But I don't want to give her my peace. She will call again I know it - but I'm planning to train her that calling me is useless - no reaction from me.
thats the right attitude, one i had held for a very long time.
keep it up
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Ok, so I haven't written in a while. So I need to give you guys an update on my sitch. Well, how quickly things change. For the longest while I've been feeling like I really need to start seeing someone else, top move on with my life. I feel like I've done the alone thing for 9 months now and prior to H officially leaving the house he was always gone so I have been alone even longer - for years. I need someone of my own goshdarnit. Anyway, so I met someone. I don't know but I got a really good feeling about this guy when I meet him and although I was and still am terrified of dating and bringing someone else into my life, I think this guy is kinda cool. We are taking it really slow. Just being friends right now but there is definitely a good connection. He has a good religious faith and we like the same kind of readings about inner peace and walking with the Lord etc. But did I say I am terrified as hell- butterflies in my stomach. But we have a good time talking and we went out and had a great time which helps. I've been upfront with him about where I am in my sitch with the sep agreement and he kinda understands since he is still recovering from his last R that the girl cheated on him too. I'm nervous about rushing into anything and have a lot of trust issues I'm contending with, but trying to tell myself to take it one day at a time. But scarrrrreeeedddd!!!!
So H, he's getting on my nerve. Saw him last Fri and the cake eater was trying to kiss me and such. I told him no, I will not do that. But then he kept trying to push himself on me even though the guy has not called me in God knows when. Then he went into he's coming back home and all the usual. So finally I told him that I don't want him to do anything for me or to even rush to do that, that I need time to figure things out, and that he asked for time and now I need time. He kept pushing the subject and so I told him that I meet someone and i don't know where its going to go, but I want to give it a fair shot. And that is the truth, I don't know where its going to go, I'm scared of getting hurt again, but this guys is pretty cool, single, progressive, and I think I deserve to give it a fair shot without H interference. This could be God answering my prayers. I think so. H then wanted to hang out later the evening and he wants his marriage and he will fight for it and I'm the piece to his puzzle blah blah blah. I don't want to hear any of it. H had 6 years to figure this out and I feel that he is just saying those things to get me where he wants me to be. I deserve to be happy. I have lived a good life in God's ordinance and I think he will guide me to happiness. H has been texting and calling me and I just want him to stop. I don't believe anything he's saying right now. All of a sudden you know you want me after all these years. Yeah right. Anyway, just wanted to give an update. Thoughts?
My thoughts are that I wouldn't believe anything he is saying right now, LOL.
GOOD FOR YOU in:
a) being honest with him; and
b) not giving in to his affections!
Just PLEASE be careful, Vicky. I'm sure you're VERY emotionally vulnerable right now, and I'd hate to see you jump too quickly into anything, just to get hurt again. Also, just KNOW that your relationship with this new man IS going to affect to what extent you allow yourself to be open to your husband's attempts to reconcile. Now, I happen to think your husband has been f.o.s. and completely insincere so far, but what about when he ISN'T f.o.s., and IS sincere? You're going to be "blocked" to him emotionally (and even physiologically), because of this new relationship.
