GETTING UN'STUCK'

[MrBond]

Thanks Coach for the responses.

"I would get your D out of your bed. D used as a shield, it's the marital bed, and it's you "manning up" in a healthy way."

I've been thinking about how best to do this with our living conditions. I think she's open to it.

"Blow off her not wearing the rings - "Your WAW mind tricks won't work on me."

Nice attitude. I'll remember this. It's like Darth Vader trying to trick Luke Skywalker. You will not change me to the Dark Side WAW!

"Have you acted as a parent in your M? ie Pay all the bills, handle financial issues, deal with the house, cars etc."

Yep, I handle the bills, cook dinner most of the time. We take turns washing dishes and watching the kids, changing diapers, etc.. Cut the grass, etc.

"Have you read "No More Mr Nice Guy" ? (NMMNG)"

Yep, read it after the bomb so that I knew how to better treat her with respect. Although I don't think it was ever that bad, I learned that because of her father leaving her and damaging her trust, me putting in the little digs to her lead her to not trusting me.

"Did you say this in front of any one else besides her? If so it offended her deeply."

This was said in the bedroom between us when we were joking around. She even laughed. This was 17 years ago. Never brought it up again since.

"Not good. Were you now the "bad parent?" "

This I admit was my wrong. I let the resentments get to me and had a "superior" attitude towards her. It changed from me leading her to me being better than her. I've been changing that. I'm always the disciplinarian in the house for the kids. They won't listen to her or she'll threaten them with "you better calm down or I'm going to tell daddy". I told her before to stop using me as a threat and that it needs to be mutual.

"Do you understand why this upsets her even if she was asleep? "

I don't think it was the actual issue of the video games themselves, but what they represented...immaturity. She made a comment when she first left, that she was happy that we were breaking up because then she wouldn't have to go into a toy store anymore for my birthday. Now I never told her to get me games, or whatever, it was her choice. She could have gotten me underwear and I would have been happy. So I think it's the issue of maturity.

Funny thing is that when I talked to my mother-in-law about our problems, she told me one of the things that SHE didn't like about me was the fact that I had games. This was before my W told me that. So it's odd that both of them had the same issues against me. The answer I gave them is that it's just a hobby like playing basketball or cars. It's just something I do. And the fact that I never played when she was awake left me perplexed as to why she said it. So I think it is the maturity issue. I definitely don't act immature. But then again I don't act all serious and too mature. All this coming from a woman who buys things from the Hello Kitty store for herself. I think to a certain degree she was also projecting what she might have seen as a problem in herself.

"sure AOS isn't one of her LLs? "

If it is, I don't know more I could do. Even when she comes home, I try to do things for her that I have no expectations of them being reciprocated. Wash her car, clean the bathroom and the rest of the stuff I mentioned earlier.

"compliment her in front of people, praise her when she does something you appreciateRegain trust by consistent, loving actions. Strong boundaries for you.
Dad walked out, trust issues - abandoment"

Good point. She stays home most of the time so I don't know how I could compliment her with people around, but I'll continue to compliment her privately and do so publicly when the opportunity comes up.

"Why did she trust you enough to marry you?"

I think it was because I was her first and only boyfriend. As a whole I'm pretty empathetic and alot of people come to me for advice because I can see two sides of an argument. It took me awhile to break down her wall initially but after that, she opened up to me more than even her mom and sister. When her boss came along whom she admired like a mentor at first, then trusted, she fell for him like a rock.

"Take pictures of the kids, share them, talk about how beautiful they are, point out what reminds you of her in them."

I do this quite often. In fact I just did this yesterday. She seemed to like it. I've been trying to up the "fun factor" to get her out of her depressed state.

"People get lethargic when they feel hopeless. "Things will never change, it's always going to be like this so why bother." Google Martin Seligman and "learned optimism" for a primer and the ABC technique. It is a cognitive therapy - emotionally detaching from the outcome."

I think that's what my W thinks now. Or it could be that she's afraid of what she's been thinking and doing and just can't process. She hasn't gone to any therapy on her own aside from 2 IC sessions when she was in heat with her boss. She told me that the IC encouraged her to go on with her new life since she finally found what she wanted in life. What garbage.

I'm going to do more reading on learned optimism. Thanks.

"Show her how to open up. Google Imago Dialouge by Harville Hendrix it might give you some ideas. Get very in tune when you listen - look for all the signals and then ask her what she thinks/feels, then ask why - validate, ask is there more, and how can you help - help don't fix."

Will do. I think this would definitely help.

Thanks again for everything Coach. I do feel much more confident though that things will work out.

Let me know if you have any other insights based on my answers above.

Thanks again!