A lump of coal is turned into a diamond over time, with pressure! Lots of time and pressure!
So, he's the lump of coal I presume? Pressure, what kind of pressure? I know it is not meant to be taken literally but I'd like you to extrapolate if you can. Maybe life will scrape off those layers and reveal a diamond but perhaps not in my time-frame.
aliveandkicking...I didn't say 'he' was the one turning into a diamond!
"Self-validating (love yourself) is the armor. You can't hurt me if I'm not afraid of you. This is the work we all must do and is required to have an authentic journey. Two warriors doing battle toe to toe realise that neither one will win. The stronger, wiser and more confident one will drop his shield first and offer his hand in peace. That gesture speaks volumes. Lead on." - Coach
Is that GOLD...or what?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
yep, and while you are focusing more on the positive aspects, which BTW will enhance your relationship and change the way the both of you interact, you might want to think about this:
Quote:
Me!!!! Wonderful, devoted and fabulous me. And it is who I want to be and I am trying avoid making this black and white and blaming and perceiving myself as a victim.
Know what I think? If you think he's making you do this, then you should go ahead and have him take full custody of the kids. That'll save you from having to deal with their issues.
Bullshit. Stop feeling sorry that you have the privilege of raising the kids and helping them as well as yourself through difficult times. That's not you. That's not what you meant. So stop letting those feelings get into your head.
Being positive is tough work. I can say that in all honesty. And believe me, it's not some bs I just spout. I know it to be true and I live on the same planet you do. I live with the same self-doubt you do. I live with the wondering. The kids issues. I too am a single parent. I cherish each and every day and I would gladly fight my WAS tooth and nail to have the privilege of raising my kids as the sole parent. I think you would too. You just don't have to fight him for it - saves you time and money.
Now, stop being judgmental and projecting your values on him about his kids. Start relaxing and opening your mind to the idea that his relationship with his kids is a work in progress. Just like his relationship with the rest of the world including you.
Now back to you. You are on the right path figuring out what and who you are outside the home. Go for it. Figure that out now while you're wondering what else to work out for you.... That's what makes you so awesome! AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Know what I think? If you think he's making you do this, then you should go ahead and have him take full custody of the kids. That'll save you from having to deal with their issues.
Bullshit. Stop feeling sorry that you have the privilege of raising the kids and helping them as well as yourself through difficult times. That's not you. That's not what you meant. So stop letting those feelings get into your head.
Huh??? I was being serious. I do what I do because it is who I am and I love being a mom. I don't even know how that wasn't made clear.
Now, stop being judgmental and projecting your values on him about his kids. Start relaxing and opening your mind to the idea that his relationship with his kids is a work in progress. Just like his relationship with the rest of the world including you.
Too late. I agreed to go to lunch with him (stupid) and it was so boring and he commented on how he'd never seen me so quiet.
He mentioned a friend who had decided not to separate due to financial reasons and was going to try again with his GF (mother of his child). I said something about choices and we were off.
AND, it all came out...about rock star and the kids thinking you have to leave your family in order to really pursue your dreams and I can't even say it all because it was just about everything I've said here.
And at one point he said it was all about the kids and all of my reasons for wanting to try are all about the kids and I sort of took that in and later mentioned that it is not just about that but I am not going to put energy into trying to love someone who does not want to love me back.
Later, I, in a very heartfelt and sincere manner told him that one of the best memories I have of the last few years was when we went away just the two of us and it was so wonderful. This was actually a moment that I could see something in him.
He talked about how he doesn't think that worrying about me hooking up with someone or my kids having a step dad is a good reason for us to try again. I said that these are reasons to try to deal with our own issues and try to see if there is anything there to work with.
He said something about being friends and I mentioned the Nietzche quote about being friends and married and that if we are friends and sexually attracted to each other and have these beautiful children, I just don't see the point.
Then he went to the old standby..."see, you always had to dictate and have things your way, just like right now"...I said "ok, so me wanting our marriage and our family to come first is why we can't be married?"
Blah, blah, blah...
He had mentioned somewhere in there that there has to be some acceptance. I said that there absolutely is and I am prepared to live my life as a woman who was married. It is just hard to watch the train wreck and know that we're the ones steering the train.
I did a sucky job on all fronts of DBing. I validated a tiny bit. But, he brought up issues that I defended. He says that I said no other woman would ever want him...I get that he's proving me wrong now (I don't even remember saying that).
He said something about me dating other people. I said I might go out on a date but I will not be romantic while I'm married. He said with guilty tone, "but we're not together, we're separated." I actually hit the table. "We are married." And I get that he is living as a single man (he did not deny) just said "we're separated." I said something about his EA's before we separated and that it doesn't even matter now.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! I don't know what I'm doing. I think I almost want it just to be over. It is too damn hard.
Lucky, I think that getting to that list is too much for me right now. I will do it but thinking of all of the reasons I love him is too painful at the moment.
The only major clues I took away are that he feels this is all about the kids and not him and once early in argument/convo, he said that this is not helping my cause. I said, "what cause? I don't have a cause. You've already left."
I can't think of one thing I left out. Even brought up his dad...aaargh. I don't see this as helpful but I had all of this on my mind and there was no closing the box once it opened.
Nothing wrong with saying how you feel. You have to get your anger out. Let it out - cry, use your support network, vent here, exercise, scream, ....... whatever it takes. It's normal what you did. I screwed up bunches of times likethat in my sitch. Let it out so you can handle it. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Nothing wrong with saying how you feel. You have to get your anger out. Let it out - cry, use your support network, vent here, exercise, scream, ....... whatever it takes. It's normal what you did. I screwed up bunches of times likethat in my sitch. Let it out so you can handle it. Cheers Coach
What a relief...I saw you posted and thought it would be quite different.
Thank you.
I don't know how to know if I give up on this...I think he may actually believe himself. I think he thinks that famous rich people are better and happier.
He looked around our house and said he was going to "make something happen so we don't have to live in this sh*t anymore. We live in a middle class neighborhood, have more than enough. I said something, " we don't need more, we need our family..." But, he is telling me what he needs. He needs "more."
A lump of coal is turned into a diamond over time, with pressure! Lots of time and pressure!
So, he's the lump of coal I presume? Pressure, what kind of pressure? I know it is not meant to be taken literally but I'd like you to extrapolate if you can. Maybe life will scrape off those layers and reveal a diamond but perhaps not in my time-frame.
aliveandkicking...I didn't say 'he' was the one turning into a diamond!
"Self-validating (love yourself) is the armor. You can't hurt me if I'm not afraid of you. This is the work we all must do and is required to have an authentic journey. Two warriors doing battle toe to toe realise that neither one will win. The stronger, wiser and more confident one will drop his shield first and offer his hand in peace. That gesture speaks volumes. Lead on." - Coach
I love how passionate he is about art, literature and music I love that he could cry and express himself and be vulnerable I loved how romantic he was, cards and gifts and little expressions of love I loved that he was open to trying things like yoga, therapy, alternative viewpoints I love that he was so into our kids, always going to doctor's appointments and child behaviorist and classes. I love that he comes to any and all school events that he is able to I love that he has shared very profound insights with the kids and with me I love that he is a fantastic cook I love that he is cultured and educated and has taught me a lot I love that he has been willing to go to therapy and try to work on himself, that he searches I loved that he was so in love with me I love that despite our financial troubles, he carried the workload so I could be with our kids all of these years I love that he cares so much about being a "good" person...he may miss the mark but it still matters
What is sad is that so much of this list is now past tense...he is disillusioned and I feel so associated with that. Some of it is still there but just not for me.
Inherent in so many of his qualities are/were exhibitions of his lack of identity. Caring so much what others think (including me) and that of course was detrimental to our relationship.
I'm actually not sorry that you had that conversation. It was stuff that was building up and you had to let it out. Good for you.
Now like a typical WAS, he dodged and at points started to blame it on you. Don't fall for it. It's their defense mechanism. He figures that if he doesn't acknowledge the marriage, poof, he's not married.
Take my W for example, when we separated, she took her ring off. Poof. She's not married any more, just separated. When she told me that I felt like laughing in her face. Are you kidding me?
Where do they get this ostrich mentality?
Right now no matter what you tell him, he's not going to believe. You go it out and that was that. Period.
Now you need to go dark and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids. Detach. Right now your kids are going to need you more than ever.
{{{stuck}}}
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
