GETTING UN'STUCK'

[Coach]

Yep. She's home. We're sleeping in the same bed with our youngest D between us. Things are casual and light between us, nothing too deep. Her wall is still up and has stated as recently as a couple of weeks ago that she doesn't want to be M any more and doesn't wear her ring because she doesn't consider us M.

I would get your D out of your bed. D used as a shield, it's the marital bed, and it's you "manning up" in a healthy way. I would not be in to big of a hurry and get some of the womens input on this.
Blow off her not wearing the rings - "Your WAW mind tricks won't work on me."

She keeps saying how we're not M anymore, she wants to be alone, she wants to live independently, etc. Yet hasn't made a move towards D or finding legal options, or dealing with kids, etc.

Have you acted as a parent in your M? ie Pay all the bills, handle financial issues, deal with the house, cars etc.

To me, the bomb was caused from us not feeding the R after we had our first child. She spent more time with our D than she did with me which lead to resentment on my part which had me treating her bad/guilty/wanting more intimacy, etc. Which she gained resentment for and didn't want to on, perpetuating an ongoing cycle of resentment between the two of us.

Have you read "No More Mr Nice Guy" ? (NMMNG)

About 3 months ago, she told me it was because of the little resentments she had for me that she held in. When I asked her like what, she told me like me forgetting to take out the garbage sometimes on garbage day.

little resentments:

That I "forced" sex onto her 3 times a week

no emotional connection will make it seemed forced to her - fixable

That I bragged how I could make her climax over 3 times a night

Did you say this in front of any one else besides her? If so it offended her deeply.

That I talked down to her

Not good. Were you now the "bad parent?"

My hobbies of playing video games

Do you understand why this upsets her even if she was asleep?

me forgetting to take out the garbage sometimes on garbage day.

sure AOS isn't one of her LLs?

I had to think long and hard about this one in the beginning and I would say her top one is "Words of Affirmation". So I've been complimenting her here and there without it seeming like I was kissing her @$$. She's got trust issues with people in general and men especially. She has no close friends, just her mom and her sister and her dad walked out on her mom when she was 6 (which probably explains her men issues).

compliment her in front of people, praise her when she does something you appreciate
Regain trust by consistent, loving actions. Strong boundaries for you.
Dad walked out, trust issues - abandoment

Why did she trust you enough to marry you?

Are you taking care of yourself?
Yep better than I had in the past. Working out, playing with kids, started up photography again, etc.

good keep your individual activities. Playing with the kids is powerful, get them rolling and laughing on the floor. Do you have a dog? Puppy? Take pictures of the kids, share them, talk about how beautiful they are, point out what reminds you of her in them.

Are you familiar with "Learned Optimism" ?
No what is that?

People get lethargic when they feel hopeless. "Things will never change, it's always going to be like this so why bother." Google Martin Seligman and "learned optimism" for a primer and the ABC technique. It is a cognitive therapy - emotionally detaching from the outcome.

My W had always been on the quiet side and not opened up for many things in our R and I've been mindreading.

Show her how to open up. Google Imago Dialouge by Harville Hendrix it might give you some ideas. Get very in tune when you listen - look for all the signals and then ask her what she thinks/feels, then ask why - validate, ask is there more, and how can you help - help don't fix.

"Do you have a Rx for Patiencia?"
Yep it keeps getting re-filled. My other friend offered me another prescription to deal with things... "Fukitol"

Stick with the Patiencia for now.

What do you think?

Don't try to fix her and don't tell her what you think the issues are. Stay focused on you. Love your kids and yourself. !180 - Keep doing what you are doing but don't initiate any affection. Make it a goal for her to come to you. Don't withdrawal just don't inititate.
Make yourself irresistable to her - confident, great Dad, in control of yourself, caring but giving her space, earn her respect and just thrive among the strife. Be the best Stuck808 you can for yourself. You can handle it.
Cheers
Coach