When exactly do you SLEEP? I am convinced that you don't:)
I understand how badly you must feel for your kids. I don't know how your H lives with himself. We all have dreams but when you throw kids in the mix we have to alter those dreams. It is always interesting how in many sitches it is still usually the women who have to alter their lives for children much more than the men will. And I am not starting some feminist rant...it is just women will usually give up more of their dreams to focus on their children.
But you are strong and seem to be doing as well as can be expected. I think you are on the right track with focusing on your kids and doing what needs to be done. WHEN he turns back up then you can see if you are still interested. I KNOW it is not easy. As I said to a friend , I don't NEED my H in order to survive. All I really need is God but I WANT and LOVE my H and there lies the rub. I know you don't NEED your H but you WANTED him, right? And let us face it, we have certain needs that can never be met by children or other family members.LOL...wink wink.
Anyhow,we will have a big ole DB retreat someday and we will alll be looking back laughing remembering where we were and how far we have come...
By the way, how are you taking care of AK? Are you exercising, giving yourself a facial and manicure etc. Getting into some aromatheraphy? What makes you feel good? Hope you are keeping that stuff up.
Now I NEED to sleppe.
I imagine we are in different time zones cuz, generally, I sleep plenty. Last not ran on a bit because wheels were spinning with H's return and the kids falling apart etc.
I exercise just about every day. Not much $ for the other stuff but I'm doing ok in the self-care. I am trying to hone in on what interests me outside of the house...I want to volunteer and do some interesting things that reflect my values. I've been a bit slow moving on that which I have to really own.
Well, I realize that I succeeded in diverting all attention to H and our past and stuff I have really hashed through so many times.
It is incredible to watch myself fall into the same traps over and over.
I'm giving him sooo much power. And much of it is ego and my insecurities. Looking at myself through his lens and seeing an attractive woman who values simple pleasures and motherhood and family but who doesn't have much bling. I like who I am, I appreciate who I am. I don't think I fit in his world and I haven't much wanted to since I gave up acting and even then, I did it for the "craft."
Lucky- I actually don't see him as abandoning his children. I see him as falling short and into the model he was raised in. I think he is more emotionally available than his dad was and that helps to assuage his guilt. In his crowd, selfishness and narcissism reign so he measures up much better than many of his peers. Sad, I know. He is half-a**ing but he hasn't abandoned. IMO. Even with $, he is giving it, he just can't wrap his brain around order, a schedule, budgeting etc.
I also really reacted so intensely and he only just got back. I am not making excuses. He's acting like a jerk. Still, he needs to settle into reality here and re-acclimate to this life.
My job is to figure out how I get off of the roller coaster. How I have the stability mentally and logistically that I want for myself and my kids. I was willing to go on the ride with him but he dropped me off and if we're not together, I don't want to continue living as his sidekick. Wasn't really working for me even when we were together. Honestly, if we had a lot of money and could travel together and experience his successes together, it would have been more appealing. But, I have to question if that is a lifestyle I want for myself anyway...
Gotta run. Please stick with me here guys. I appreciate it.
Sorry for all the "complete and off-base bullshit," AK.
I'm giving you advice from my gut and heart, as a real-live human being on planet Earth who can relate to the very practical needs of a wife and mother. As fascinating as that perspective is, and for what it's worth.
We all have our own perspectives and are operating from our own basis of reality. We all have our opinions of what seems outlandish.
It's your journey, of course. You are an intelligent and open-minded woman. I'm confident that you know how to take collective advice and decide what is true and right for you and the kids. Though, it must be overwhelming and I know that you are working and thinking so very hard.
Quote from AK: "Lucky- I actually don't see him as abandoning his children. I see him as falling short and into the model he was raised in. I think he is more emotionally available than his dad was and that helps to assuage his guilt. In his crowd, selfishness and narcissism reign so he measures up much better than many of his peers. Sad, I know. He is half-a**ing but he hasn't abandoned. IMO. Even with $, he is giving it, he just can't wrap his brain around order, a schedule, budgeting etc."
Abandoning. Falling short. Tomato. Tomato.
You are trying to take the high road and be understanding of who he is and what he is capable of based on his upbringing and his celeb-community. That is a good thing to do in your journey, so that you understand how you got here. But using his handicaps a an excuse to his failures? You are much more of a goddess than I.
Now let's get real.
Who was left with S6's tantrum last night? Who puts the boys to bed each night? Who spins porcupig stories and makes it all better? Who pulls the household together? Who figures out how to purchase food and clothes and shoes for the boys on a fragmented and sporatic income? Who is picking up the pieces all on her own?
Which innocent beings are going to suffer from abandonment issues (or "falling short issues," if that makes you feel better) in their relationships for the rest of their lives?
Who has chosen to chase a dream for himself at the cost of being home for his kids? Actually... He could have chased it and stayed living at home and sleeping in your bed with you, couldn't he? So, it's not even that it's hard to support his chosen dream. It's that he truly LEFT the home.
He abandoned his family so that he could have plenty of breathing room to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. He feebly tries to fill in the gaps with quick texts or gifts from his trips. He pretends to be the good guy.
So... I'm not sure how my conclusion that he has abandoned his children is inaccurate.
I need a different picture painted for me here to come up with different advice. One that doesn't illustrate your H's choices and escapades. One that doesn't illustrate the suffering of you and the kids.
Who was left with S6's tantrum last night? Who puts the boys to bed each night? Who spins porcupig stories and makes it all better? Who pulls the household together? Who figures out how to purchase food and clothes and shoes for the boys on a fragmented and sporatic income? Who is picking up the pieces all on her own?
Me!!!! Wonderful, devoted and fabulous me. And it is who I want to be and I am trying avoid making this black and white and blaming and perceiving myself as a victim. Because I have some major sh*t to work on. And, I was quite the miserable b*tch at points in the R and maybe that is understandable under the circumstances and maybe I need to just say "see, I was right about him and I knew he'd abandon us." But, my gut and my heart and my mind tell me there is more to it and this is our mutual creation.
Quote:
Which innocent beings are going to suffer from abandonment issues (or "falling short issues," if that makes you feel better) in their relationships for the rest of their lives?
What do I do about this? Makes me want to stay connected, control, tell him what I really think, maybe go to a child behaviorist myself, tell her what is really going on and then have him go see her so she can lay it out for him. But we both know that no one can teach you how to be a man or deeply value something you just don't.
I can't save them from him and his shortcomings. That is my trap. I'm not sure which way to go.
If I implied you are crazy...my bad!!! Lucky, I'd be saying the same things to you and I KNOW it. I have been complaining about these issues for so long. It is has come to a head.
Quote:
You are much more of a goddess than I.
Hmmm...I don't think "goddess" fits. I think I'm ultra-conscious of how my current actions, behaviors and interpretations of what is happening impact more people than just myself. I think I could actually use a good dose of Lucky mojo.
Quote:
I need a different picture painted for me here to come up with different advice. One that doesn't illustrate your H's choices and escapades. One that doesn't illustrate the suffering of you and the kids.
I need to think about what it is that makes me think he's still a good guy and why I can't pull off, "he's an a**hole and I want nothing to do with him."
I need to think about what it is that makes me think he's still a good guy and why I can't pull off, "he's an a**hole and I want nothing to do with him."
I am paying attention here.
Hi aliveandkicking.
Maybe it's because you still care about the man? No crime in that!
I saw a post by Coach the other day that struck me with a heavy blow. He said..."What are things you can do to improve yourself and care for your beloved when things seem the darkest?"
You seem pretty darn strong to me! And I think you bring a lot to the table! I think you're the kind of woman only a fool would leave! A lump of coal is turned into a diamond over time, with pressure! Lots of time and pressure!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
A lump of coal is turned into a diamond over time, with pressure! Lots of time and pressure!
So, he's the lump of coal I presume? Pressure, what kind of pressure? I know it is not meant to be taken literally but I'd like you to extrapolate if you can. Maybe life will scrape off those layers and reveal a diamond but perhaps not in my time-frame.
I know you are paying attention, AK. You are WORKING!
Perhaps you can think more about what you love about him. Can you share times when he does some things *right* in addition to all the disappointing things that you report on here?
I know that you're not crazy, so there must be something that keeps you from hating him. If you share some of that here, perhaps it will help me try on your shoes and feel differently than I have been.
I know you are paying attention, AK. You are WORKING!
Perhaps you can think more about what you love about him. Can you share times when he does some things *right* in addition to all the disappointing things that you report on here?
I know that you're not crazy, so there must be something that keeps you from hating him. If you share some of that here, perhaps it will help me try on your shoes and feel differently than I have been.
