Once again, thanks to everyone who checked on me and your concern and comments.
We finally got to talking late last night. My daughter was home all evening, which is unusual, but left to visit with friends and I broke the ice around 11PM.
I want to try to stick with just the facts that came out, and yes, I know...these are her words...her thoughts, and I have been here over a year.
I know the mantras...and I have read all that you guys have told me.
There is no way to know what is the truth and what is not. There is no way to know what is really in her heart right now. All I have right now is what she told me, and although in my heart, I want to believe every word, there has been enough lies and deceit, and enough new info to make me question everything.
Those were my words to her exactly last evening.
Also, remember, going in to this, I never thought this was going to be a choice between me and OM. She has always insisted the marriage was over and I should move on, even though she never pushed.
That was a big part of the talk last night, but not the reason we had got to that point, so maybe I will come back to it.
I tried hard not to make it an interrogation, but she was very reluctant to open up about what she was really feeling. I was firm, kind and tried to let her know that she could tell me all...no anger..no judgment...it was just time. I needed to know and she needed to get out.
She told me through all of her unhappiness and 20 years of marriage, she has never strayed. There has never been another in her heart or mind. Her goal when she decided the marriage was over was to heal, be alone and get on with her life the way she thought it should be....to be out from under my control.
This past few months was all new to her and she knew it was not right, but it happened so slowly that before she knew it, the feelings were there and she couldn't stop.
She has never met OM in person. It started out very innocently and she never planned to let it go this far. They text, chat and speak on the phone.
She feels that it may be something she could pursue, but has not given that much thought....in her words, he lives there, I live here...it's not possible at this time and no one has talked about packing it all in and having a future together.
She said, although there are strong feelings, she is not naive enough to think that "he is the one". Like she said.."I have never met him..I have no idea what I will feel when the time comes, but right now I feel something".
He will be coming to the area, and she has looked forward to finally meeting him.
She could not rule out physical contact, or even sex when they do meet.
That turned the talk into thoughts about our agreement, as we were supposed to be ending the marriage this year. Thoughts about the past year and the closeness and friendship I thought we had developed....My thoughts on infidelity, cheating and the sanctity of marriage...even one in which both have agreed may be over...was over.
Questions to her as to why she did not actively pursue a separation / divorce this past year.
.....and me finally asking her, her thoughts about not meeting him, or putting it off until which time we have agreed to some sort of separation...or her being certain in her heart and mind that was the way she wanted this all to end...questions to her about whether or not she could do that now, knowing where we have been so recently...is that really her...is that what you want.
...and I told her I didn't want an answer, but would ask again....to make sure it is what you want, and remember the past year..remember things will never be the same between us.
Can't do much more right now...I know I left some things unanswered and there is more.
I still don't know how I feel about all this or whether it was the deal breaker....or if she is too far gone herself.
The time has come to move on, no matter what she does, or what we have had this past year. I can't pursue, I can't hate her and I am not sure I still have it in heart to love her unconditionally.
My decision process is a little haywire right now, and the fact that she will soon have the opportunity to be with him in person makes my mind race at times.
Sorry if this rambles and sorry that I did not give the answers to all the questions that were asked last night.
I will try to fill in the blanks, but if any one has any questions or comments I would be glad to hear them.
