Well, I realize that I succeeded in diverting all attention to H and our past and stuff I have really hashed through so many times.
It is incredible to watch myself fall into the same traps over and over.
I'm giving him sooo much power. And much of it is ego and my insecurities. Looking at myself through his lens and seeing an attractive woman who values simple pleasures and motherhood and family but who doesn't have much bling. I like who I am, I appreciate who I am. I don't think I fit in his world and I haven't much wanted to since I gave up acting and even then, I did it for the "craft."
Lucky- I actually don't see him as abandoning his children. I see him as falling short and into the model he was raised in. I think he is more emotionally available than his dad was and that helps to assuage his guilt. In his crowd, selfishness and narcissism reign so he measures up much better than many of his peers. Sad, I know. He is half-a**ing but he hasn't abandoned. IMO. Even with $, he is giving it, he just can't wrap his brain around order, a schedule, budgeting etc.
I also really reacted so intensely and he only just got back. I am not making excuses. He's acting like a jerk. Still, he needs to settle into reality here and re-acclimate to this life.
My job is to figure out how I get off of the roller coaster. How I have the stability mentally and logistically that I want for myself and my kids. I was willing to go on the ride with him but he dropped me off and if we're not together, I don't want to continue living as his sidekick. Wasn't really working for me even when we were together. Honestly, if we had a lot of money and could travel together and experience his successes together, it would have been more appealing. But, I have to question if that is a lifestyle I want for myself anyway...
Gotta run. Please stick with me here guys. I appreciate it.
